Jan 31, 2013

Taking Care of Business

I asked before bed, having been feeling very lost and aching for change, what can I do that will allow me to better stimulate and educate my son, while granting me freedom, get away from my monotone environment, but still survive and feed us, travel but still write, and see both Chris and Jim? Is there a solution to all these aspects? The happiest I have been in the last year was when I was traveling around to and from Montana. I liked the few weeks traveling, few weeks at home balance. But how can I write and travel? Will I have time to write if I see both men while toting around a toddler? I imagine as a writer that would be the kind of living I would have to do, and I would have my own money to do it with. However, I have to actually have a writing job, and I've worked too hard on this damn book to take an unrelated gig requiring me to diverge from my topics of interest. But I can't write enough during any given week to finish the book because I don't have child care, and even then I wouldn't see Jim for months maybe.

Dream: Grabbing snacks at a mini-mart. Those with me include my dad, Chris (childhood sweetheart), two of my sisters, Kate (friend), Link? (my son). We stopped here along our travels. I am scooping a self-serve taco bar. Kate starts singing a song while she finds her own snacks. I join in near the end with a harmony, and one of my sisters (or another friend maybe) does so as well, producing a nice sound. People in the store applauded. I hadn't even looked up from choosing which toppings and scooping. Someone asked me to sing again. Humbled, I look around to gauge the reaction. Others also seem interested in hearing more. Okay. What should I sing? "Give me a moment then." I quickly grab "Bohemian Rhapsody" out of the air, its an energetic crowd pleaser that everyone can join, and its well known enough to assume most adults do know it. I dramatized every verse. Soon, everyone had joined. Much to my surprise, and entire chorus and make-shift orchestra of beats had added. We performed together there in the center aisle of a little mini-mart with diagonal rows. Some were off key, but overall, it was fun and was good enough to boost the mood of everyone there. We allowed it taper off at a point we somehow all agreed (without any cue) would be an appropriate ending point (since it is a long song). Then everyone laughed and clapped and went about their business with smiles on. Wow.

I approached the counter. My friend agreed to pay for me. I tried to be conscientious about the prices because our funds only allowed me to spend like three and a half dollars for snack. I think I went over a little. We were walking out, Chris was leading me with a hand at my back. "Didn't expect I could do that, huh?" I asked him. "I've always known you were amazing." He replied soothingly and with such a genuine appreciation. I smiled.

Next moment, we are walking into a corridor with framed pictures lining a long wall. Around the corner was where everyone was settling down to sleep. Chris and I were still talking about the random chorus number in the mini-mart. I wasn't ready to sleep, I was hyped up from the experience. I explained that I often know how to liven up a room that usually sees little positive excitement. Such places need that boost of energy.

Analysis: So what, your answer is to be a kind of traveling bard? Am I supposed to travel around surviving off limited funds and donations? Yes I enjoy singing and bringing life to a boring or awkward situation, as I do among friends and when I am out for a night on the town. I meet people, I do lots of karaoke. Hometown taverns have the best kinds of personalities. And I like the idea of bringing my knack for changing the energy of a place into that of an expected and uplifting experience. However, that requires a lot of faith to just go about trusting our base needs will somehow be met through the miracles of the spirits. And where is my writing in all this? Where is Jim? Was this a long term answer or a short term solution?

I returned to this frustration at the end of the day. That feeling of being trapped was stirring too much, hindering my patience with baby, yet again. Overcoming the weakness from the flu only adds to the feeling. Wrestling with these life-planning issues, I finally landed on an answer.

The first draft of the book is very close to being done, just a few stubbornly complicated sections. All the base material I need for directional purposes have become clear in recent weeks through my dream relationship (relationship with my dreams as a guiding force). I should travel up to my family, have them watch Link (which they would enjoy frankly, although I would need to monitor that he is being cared for) while I work during the day like a regular 8 hour job at the library until my book is done! It might be weeks, but if Jim wants to see me he can just come up, since his family is up there already. Also, if Chris wants to see me he can come down (my family is around half-way point between my home down south and Chris further north). Otherwise, I am getting this damn book finished. It is my ticket into the publishing world, I've always believed that. My sister/editor is pregnant now so she won't be able to help me much anymore. Jim could act as my editor, he would be more reliable anyway for content; I do grammar corrections pretty easily myself already. Link would enjoy being with the bustle of their house, and so would Odin. I would have my babysitters and time to work. After my client tomorrow I should pack to leave Sunday. Do errands tomorrow. I will have to say goodbye to Chelsea since she is leaving, and explain why I must see her off early. Bring her a nice present. Soccer is on break anyway for a few weeks, so good timing there as well.

I'm not certain my dream was alluding to the answer i arrived at, but I know I feel my best when I can bring beauty and love to another person, either with my presence, company, or song (for strangers and platonic friends this is the least). Can my writing capture that same essence?

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