A Mother's Plea

I know that abductees recall their experiences as far back as toddler-hood. My son is two and a half years old and has been waking up crying and calling for me, hurriedly running into my room or too terrified to move out of his bed, saying in the few words that he has "Scared. Dinosaur. Scared." I had thought, he must be having dreams about dinosaurs. I asked him one morning about it "Did you have a dream about a dinosaur last night?" His smile changed to seriousness and he nodded in confirmation "Dinosaur.." babbling and
gesturing to his room about being scared and seeing a dinosaur. Now I have never shown him real depictions or dinosaurs. We read books from the library sometimes featuring cartoonish and silly dinosaur characters. How he could have made a connection on his own that dinosaurs are scary leaves me with a terrifying reality, one in which might be more than just a dream. On another occasion, when my partner was watching him, my son woke up upset. My partner went in and my son simply handed him the new little dinosaur stuffed toy (purple and blue, very cute and nonthreatening) his grandmother gave him two weeks ago. Then he laid back down and fell asleep again. Somehow, putting the dinosaur in Daddy's care, away from him and where he slept, was (I can't stop crying as type this).. As his protector, and given my absolute love for him, I have been resisting the idea that he might be experiencing encounters that I cannot prevent or save him from. All I can think to do is activate my own guides to fight for him and tell him that no matter what anyone or anything says, that Mommy loves you, on the off-chance that these dinosaurs would try to manipulate him away from me. I won't let them take away the foundation I have worked so hard to provide of love and support. It's important to me, given my own history of childhood abuses, that he feels protected, that he has someone present in his life to rely on while he is young.

Why are we being Harrassed by Unknown Visitors?

The contact whose case study I posted about in the Red Grid Marks Phenomenon, "Michael", the alias I've assigned him, continues to have levitation and probing experiences at night by a visiting presence. We chat via email or Skype semi-regularly to check in on any progress he's made at changing the dynamics of these experiences that illicit dread and terror in his consciousness. (To read about Michael's case study, see the links for Case Study #1 listed on the Investigations page under the 'Red Grid Marks' heading.)

Discussing with someone the reality of these night-time experiences and the accompanying feelings he unwittingly hides from his everyday relationships has seen minor progress in the level of control he has during the events. Most importantly, he has found a voice to be able to question and speak to his offenders. Our goal together is to determine why it is happening to him, given that this might also provide clues as to the grid marks that appeared on us both, as well as enhance his ability to affect in the unconscious state:  comparable to having direct affect in the content or direction of ones dreams, though his experiences are "half awake, half asleep".

Red Marks Cases - "Michael" Testimonial #1, Part 2 with Latest Theory

Summary: psychological factors; abduction dreams; similarity between us in UFO dreams; family history of abduction; trouble in bringing self and outside world to acknowledge the real effects these experiences have on the individual's sense of safety and control over their own consciousness; empowering the mind to regain control as a participant thru fair dialogue, if not purge itself of the negative source; marks as clues to our ability to manifest physical effect?

"I flared up, felt angry and resistant at this intrusion. I had the sense that the entity was showing me that nothing much had changed. Almost like they had a handle on my primal emotions or I didn't have control."

- alias 'Michael' on his attempt to reclaim control over his sleeping consciousness

The following is continuing email interview with "Michael" dated May 20, 2013:
(Continued from Part 1)

Red, red, red

I have been depicted as 'the girl in red' in recent dreams. Well, the following is a dream from last December with a woman in red and red-skinned beings. 

Night of Dec. 7/8th 2012

Wandering about a junkyard. There are buried tables under sand that are still useable and look new. Furniture on display. I am outside but darkness around the area until treeline, and sky is at sunset. No overgrowth, just sand and dirt and flatness. Link is playing on a toddler push car. I call out re-directions once a while to him. (Second-hand furniture lot? Makeshift goods lot after a disaster?).

I lose track of him, my son, while looking around at items. Panic. Searching, calling for him. I erupt into an opening where I can see the sky. Link is unconscious AND (somehow) awed at the sight in the sky. I gather him up. A human shape and a cow in a light beam are suspended high in the air above the trees. 'An alien abduction! I'm witnessing one!' I think to myself. Two hand lengths to the right in the sky is another figure from the torso up waving at me. I say aloud "It's waving at me!"

My perception zooms toward the being and now I am on a ship with him. I immediately voice my first concern "Did you do something to my son?" I ask accusingly. It pauses and simply shakes its head. "Oh." I said, knowing it was being truthful. My mistrust was on display. I quickly changed my attention to the fact I was on a ship with this human-like creature. They were tall in simple robed dress. Large heads. Same facial features and appearance as humans, but head where brain juts out is double the size, close to the elongated craniums from archaeological records, but not quite as long. No hair, skin tone is reddish in color, and more veins visible subdermally (not bulging). Skin looks the color of a flushed caucasian, but all over and natural state. These are either our ancestors/galactic roots, or future humans. They look like what an older human might look like if we didn't age, whither and die, but kept growing. Taller, bigger brain, more veins, still smooth texture. Everything else physically the same.

I am seated by an older woman who is wrinkly. She says "You don't remember me do you? I am Jen, the woman you saw at the party collapse. I had to come back here." "But you were younger, a beautiful blonde in a red dress (which she still was, just older now suddenly)?" I was stunned and excited seeing these pieces of research and rumor come together in this vision. At some point I had been in a different time line seeing through her eyes, trying to effect some change at a party before collapsing to the floor and people all around me/her. Funny that her name is a variation of mine.

More individuals were coming aboard. The Elders (as I have called the red-skinned talls) were organized, silent mostly, telepathic perhaps, coordinating so many people and things. I respected their calm, yet deliberate actions.

I sat near a door to a small room at one wall of the craft on a bench with a human male. We discussed what the rooms might be, agreeing on time traveling units. An elder opened the curtain in front of us to let a little blonde girl sit by us and told us to explain to her what's going on. The girl stared at me expressionless, innocent white face with doll like short blondish hair. I know her. I've seen her before. How do I know her? "Shouldn't we explain what's going on?" I asked my chatty male companion. She was the same girl I talked to in another dream, the only one who received my message when I veiled myself. Why is she significant to my dreaming? Who is she? My unknown daughter? She's maybe 8 years old.

He explains briefly to her about time machines and the Elders as best as we know. I say it's going to be okay, that others went in and came out better than before so it must be safe.

We each went into one of our own rooms. Doors closed. Room began to shake violently. Put my head between my knees. There was a time paradox here. I went and did other things but know I came back, like a dream within a dream, just not sure if this was perceived immediately or after the events.

Our doors opened and we were all covered in gold dust sparkling on their heads and shoulders like it fell on us like rain, and we all shared the feelings of awe and joy. There were many of us I could see through the walls of our rooms like the walls and ceiling of the ship became transparent and looked out into space. Were we linked to one another now? Were our abilities awakened? Were we returning in unison from a time travel episode?

Next, or preceding scene, I am in a car on a grassy hill with Jim (my spouse/partner) overlooking Erin and Michelle (old friends I fell out of) entering onto a field and into a transparent gateway or cloaked ship with their kids and spouses (they have kids and spouses?). I wanted to say helo but couldn't decide to bring Jim or not. Didn't feel it fair to exclude him, but figured they'd respond better if he weren't joining me. Should I bring Link or leave him with Jim too? I couldn't decide and thus couldn't seem to will myself to get out of the care before they disappeared into the field.

I ran after them only to find some of their abandoned stuff in a room (not sure spatially where I am). I am fixated on Michelle's stuff, a few books and diary on a white desk. White everywhere. Transparent walls with cloudiness, like the light is emanating from the wall material itself, but brightest around edges. One book in particular has a cover that shows images of the classic devil icon (red skin, horns). The title is referring to how the concept of the devil has been connected to all things fun and misrepresented as sinful, like in sex jokes; how the devil has become a symbol of humorous fun at the expense of moral seriousness. Lies perpetuated by false ideas of good and evil.

My understanding is good is all about happiness, passion, enjoyment, paired with other attributes of graciousness, consideration of others. The book was written with a comedic tone by the author whom the dream was branding a son of Satan. I wanted to open and read a bit of it because at this time I was struggling with how religious perception of good and evil may be corrupted. Everything available to us like sex and alcohol are neutral, how we misuse them is what determines their connotation, and how we restrict others to partake of them when it clashes with the personal exploratory desire to. I've wondered because Lucifer was supposedly a beautiful being, how the ugly, scary image came to be associated to him, and could that have been a deliberate manipulation to instill fear in us for this kind of creature. I was being held back from reading it thoroughly, though I wanted to. I have seen this book in my dreams before. It was important enough to repeat.

Next, or preceding scene, I am with a band of three other military type individuals as a unit on a battlefield. Two warring factions of large, animal shaped animated machines are closing fast on our position [I dislike war, why do I keep seeing myself involved in it]. Think mech techs from video gaming that resemble different animals but animated with souls. Their eyes and mouths glowed with anger and consciousness.

My unit was trying to disable them by hacking into two fallen animal mechs, one from each opposing side. They were a threat toward us humans too, some spotted us and charged us so they could have the satisfaction of fighting their war. Such bitterness and hate. Side of mammals had been wronged by the other side of dragon-like. My unit's mission was to stop the fighting, regardless who was right or who wanted revenge. Humanity was endangered by their bitter war.

I could coordinate my group's activities based on their skills from a holographic interface that appears over my vision like a video game menu, but it does not pause the action when I bring it up, so I must make choices quickly. I hoped to catch my breath by bringing it up, overwhelmed with anxiety about the situation.

We rigged one fallen mech. As were heading to the other, the charging fleet of mechs on one side steered toward us to intercept. We were surrounded. We posed a greater threat to them than each other did. Both sides diverted their attack to keep us from deanimating them.

Today, June 3rd 2013

My sister has recently divulged to me how she has always visualized the imaginary being I call Darian when we were young. She saw him with a red aura. This struck me as crazily coincidental. My image of him derived from the place I got his name: that show Sailor Moon we loved as kids. How is it she saw such a drastically different being, though I shared my own description on many occasions. She said whenever I talked about him, she saw a red colored being that loved me with a father's love. I asked her to describe him more in detail:

-almost reptilian in that head has layer of scales upon scales, maybe more like a Klingon's ridges from Star Trek
-bat-like ears
-tribal markings
-pale red or dark red aura or skin tone depending on my mood
-protrusions like extended bones at shoulders, elbows, and head.

"Katie" I said "Do you mean to tell me you saw the Devil following me?"

"Well I wasn't sure how you would react to what I envisioned, but really I was upset for you how the image of the your Darian as that creature was misrepresented by people to be evil."

"But why red?" The color only has evil connotations in the religious community, though blood is red.

"What else is red?" She replied. She used to despise the color too because it was too bright and bold. It says alert, stand out, notice this, though she preferred the comfort of hiding, since she is a shy and unsure soul. In her research though, she found from Chinese myth that red warded off evil entities when children would be taken away, they wore red to protect themselves. Dragons became red in New Year celebrations because of its symbolic nature as protection from evil. Egyptians had a red stone accepted by people who were dying to indicate a calm readiness of their approaching death. It showed humble yielding to the cycle of life and death.

I had always wondered why I never saw Darian in my dreams, though the name Darian was just what I gave him, the imaginary presence of a loving, mysterious companion I could call on whenever I needed for whatever I needed. Even now, I hesitate about the symbolism. The human form I gave him was never quite right. I usually assigned him as a hybrid of three forms: part human, part dragon, part vampire. Very girlish, I didn't think much of it. But reptiles and dragons are in my dreams, vampires are in my dreams, even a three-form demon joined my party at one point with a human form, pale blue form with the same protrusions as my sister's description, and a red one I couldn't picture. The blue one felt more threatening than the other two though. Odd that the blue color would be the threatening one. My mind wanders on about how complexly I may have been manipulated, because I am more inclined to connect and trust a being of this type than I am a beautiful angelic form. At least the beast isn't trying to be deceptive by showing himself though others will fear and threaten him this way.

Why does it have to be a devil form? I couldn't open the book because I wasn't prepared (and still am nervous to) for the truth of my guide? His race may have been targeted to appear Yet I would more easily embrace him this way, than Jesus in his etheral body, as blasphemous as it is to say that. Perhaps even its clever reverse, reverse psychology. Frankly I don't know and I won't commit either way still, but Darian looking like a devil is not far from how he usually is represented in my role play exercises, at least as a dragon who is feared and hides in human form to not hurt humans by forcing them to confront something they will jump to preconceived notions and inherent fears about.

Neutrality. I am meant to protect, but not in war, not by hate-bashing another side, despite how corrupt or evil they are. Love is not a war, peace is not a war, unity is not war. Perhaps now I am ready to finally see the true forms of my guides?

To Serve

Night of March 6/7th 2013

I am in combat with giant hovering eyeballs (not beholders) with red veins. They don't do much. I am armed with a sword, slashing and thrusting like a kid again playing a make believe adventure game. Facility is evacuating. People are running out. Alarms going off like a fire drill. I have a partner who is the primary fighter. He has to go off to fight the boss eyeball, and I must protect these people. I question leaving me to fend for them alone. He runs off, insisting I will do fine. The responsibility concerns me and I tell myself to just strike. I cut down an eyeball in a room. Someone tells me the eyeballs are getting to the escaping crowds of people though. I panic and come out. In a reaction of faith I cast a storm spell over one of the eyeballs nearest the lines of running people. Funnily, I make the sound effects for the storm thundering lightning on the enemy. There is no actual visual that my spell worked. It was like I was playing pretend. I tell myself I wounded it, that it wasn't strong enough to be a finishing blow. I slashed it down. But I acknowledged to myself I wouldn't know if the spell actually had affect. I get hit, and act as I would if it really happened, but I felt no real pain. Again, I was playing true to it being pretend even though I believed it real.

Zombies and Souls

The night of Feb. 17th/18th I experienced another zombie dream, which I haven't had for some weeks. But for now I wish to discuss my findings from library research and to record my thoughts on connections I'm exploring before I carry on to other non-related research for my book.

In Haitian culture, at least up to the 1980's, zombis were thick in local lore. My research is from a book "The Serpent and the Rainbow" by Wade Davis. Through magic, a targeted person's soul would be pulled from its body to hover (still tethered) around the body until which time it could be captured, or returned to the body. In many early cases, victims were pronounced dead and buried alive or kidnapped by mysterious secret groups in the night and the victim would later be found wandering aimlessly days later (reminisces of a classic alien abduction). The catatonic state Davis reported was biochemically produced by a tetrodotoxin which simulates the appearance of death. People were terrified not about being harmed by a zombi, but about becoming one and being buried alive. The zombi, then, by vodoun practice is a body without an intact soul. In common ritual of vodoun practitioners, spirits are welcomed in to temporarily occupy the body of the participant who is inducing a trance state through exhaustive dance with the help of drumming and singing by others. But that is voluntary. Being forcibly pushed out of one's body by a curse (contact with poison powder) eliminates the element of control the person has over what happens to their soul or body. An empty body may be, in rare cases, occupied by a wandering or summoned (not sure which) malevolent spirit who could wreak havoc with a vessel.

This is what I see. I do not see decaying flesh zombies rising from true death, they are vicious, evil spirits incarnate . People who were lost in the dream were not torn apart for a hunger to eat the flesh, but to occupy it. I got the sense they were turned, and it was important they didn't touch you. 

Would we not always be vulnerable to these spirits when we sleep? Are we fighting off these spirits as souls while our body rests in the dream state? We fight for to protect our rightful claim to our bodies from these invading spirits? Do they ever win in taking over our bodies while we are asleep? What do they want to do in the physical realm with our bodies? Why are comatose patients with nothing wrong with their bodies (which would make the body unfit to carry a soul) not constantly taken over by these spirits? Are they only trying to occupy certain people? People of power and ability, bodies with advantageous skills. The truth then, comparing notes from my abduction and zombie dreams, is that our souls can be summoned, stolen, manipulated in the dream realm, and can be forcibly evacuated from the body if it suits someone's interests.

The two stories of the people who were cursed by the poison and abducted, whom Davis spoke about in his book, were outcasts and bothersome to others. It was suggested they were being judged before secret councils as the reason for their kidnappings. These societies, one of which is known as the Grey Pigs (for some reason this feels significant to me...) are known to eat flesh, conduct night time rituals to the spirits, their symbol is a coffin, they wear black and red uniforms, are extremely secretive and will punish members who break their code of conduct.

Are these cults run or inspired by the same beings that harvest blood in cattle mutilations? Are they related to the zombi idea? There is certainly an alien race that feeds off of (or absorbs rather) blood. Do they also eat flesh? What would be the purpose nutritionally or symbolically for a species to eat flesh? These are different, they have physical bodies, why would they need to steal a human one to occupy?

Mythology as History of Different ET Species
Symbology of Ancient Maya depicts warrior groups of the Jaguar (or Tigers as is the Mayan word tigre, but the image depicts a Jaguar) and Eagles, who served the Sun God and represent night and day respectively. (An Illustrated Dictionary of the Gods and Symbols of Ancient Mexico and the Maya, by Mary Miller and Karl Taube, pg 183). The Eagle along with the Serpent of course being commonly expressed in mythologies around the world throughout all of history. There is also the Insect and Ant people of Native American lore. Certain alien races seeded different regions of the world, perhaps creating the different races of humans. The different mythologies, say the polytheistic ones, may have been accurate in that that regions gods were the guiding extraterrestrial/extra-dimensional group of beings assigned to them at that time. Many of these groups may have been allied with the same higher organization carrying out their individual missions with the people of Earth. If many of them had animal features, it would stand to reason that many species have been influencing our planet's people. Mythologies tell stories of struggles between the gods for power, engaging in matters much like our own disputes. The difference with the gods though, is they command great powers and mystical objects, and a deep understanding about harnessing natural forces of the universe.

What better way to establish peaceful relations with a new people than by the old custom of combining genetics both as a symbol of unity and literally as a unification. Warring nations would marry their prince and princess to unite their kingdoms. Our alien ancestors however, may have beaten us to the punch by combining their DNA with the primitive species of man already developing on Earth. That way we never had a chance to war over differences because we are by genetics related. Each mythology's and religion's origin story can be true in this sense. And before man, various cultures of different ET species lived for a time on our planet. But was there constant manipulation of different species or one cooperation of species or only one species that created homo sapiens? Many mythologies talk about the raising of the lands up from the water, that this planet was a giant ocean. This rearranging took place by giant creatures, like Tiamat the serpent water goddess for instance who separated the earth and sky.

Were some malevolent spirit beings denied the claim to a body in the physical creation? They are the ones selfishly clawing for a hold in the physical realm, and some have always managed to find a way in. Were the Dragons who programmed emotion and love out of their DNA (according to adepts from the Galactic Federation) manipulated by these vicious spirits and given a way in by occupying these reptilian bodies? Still missing something... These spirits could very well be the followers of Satan identified in the Bible, not the Dragons as I have thought them to be (or perhaps they are one in the same) . So how did the Dragons come to the decision to remove emotion, who are the blood-absorbing race, and are the malevolent spirits ever succeeding in taking over bodies or do they already have command of zombi slaves (soulless bodies controlled remotely from the spirit realm)?

Misc notes:  Quetzacoatl is one example of a feathered serpent, suggesting a time when the serpent and eagle races were one and not divided. The name actually translates to emerald plumed serpent and was first depicted with a rattle snake. Not a being.. a personified way of explaining symbolically complex forces?

Night of Jan. 26/27th 2013

So many dreams! Argh. Complex messages.

Dream: First sequence - Driving around with Chris, Shantey, and Otus (children I grew up that were friends of my family whom I am still close with today; like adopted brothers and sisters in many respects) with intent to pick up items our communal family of relatives needed back at the house, a house I have never been to nor know where it is, but we did ride on bus or tram at some point getting back. Momentarily afraid Otus would be left behind, tried to delay the bus so he could catch up. He did. Maneuvered through a neighborhood back to our house. I went to their upstairs neighbor who was watching my son, I think. I was adament I would bring them some homemade peanut butter oatmeal/cereal bars [I have never made this, but could easily do so and have the ingredients in my home to, sounded like a good snack actually to make for later (in real world)] to thank them and as a gesture of friendliness. They started saying they were going to sue my parents because of the disarray they allow their house to be in and for the amount of activity there because they had so many people living in one place. How unappreciative, I thought. "What does that have to do with you? They're not hurting you with the status of their home." "It's hazardous to their kids." They were sounding like they just wanted someone to hate and criticize and my family was an easy target. Their own place was not a beautiful display of homely decor, but it was slightly more kept (floor was less messy and things were piled off the floor which made them more tidy somehow). Not wanting to burn bridges, but wanting to protect my family, I said in a very direct tone "You know you have not case. You could call the authorities to complain and what would you say? They live above you so..." I was implying 'there is no way you could complain about them being noisy from so many people moving around.' "If you have a problem, go tell my parents, don't threaten them through me. Work it out with them." I encouraged them to just accept our offer of friendship and not be so unnecessarily passive aggressive. "I'll be back to bring you those bars. I will, you'll like them." And we left.

Next sequence: At old apartments outside. An event is winding down. Egg hunt like for American Easter holiday using plastic eggs with little crap toys and candies. Sifting through the piles of 'left over' or abandoned eggs, most of which were already opened. I was searching for useful items like I was a child given cheap school supplies that made me feel like a big kid. A friend my age, but less considerate and compassionate of others than I felt to be, was gossiping to me and another gal about this girl from our old high school who was coming home to her apartment about 50 feet away. I chimed in to correct their attitudes "Hey, no. She is pregnant, have some sympathy." I had imparted feelings of understanding to them while criticizing them for their unfair and snap judgments of her She looked fatigued, and her belly, I thought, was an obvious give away of her state of mind, which the girls with me were misinterpretting as her being stuck up. She didn't think she was more mature, even though she was, she was just exhausted from working and because of issues with father. They ceased their verbal assault.

Two older figures were starting to clean up all the eggs we were sifting through. I panicked, "Can we keep looking through them, we are having fun and no one else is going to use them!" They explained we would have to talk to the person who coordinated the event, who was my old 6th grade teacher (I was very close with and was a force of change and guidance in my life; she appeared in the dream where I was supposed to survive in competition with two other students from Dec. 18/19th 2012 - which I have not typed up on this blog yet). She was sitting nearby sorting through some things. I ran to her and plead my case. She accepted and allowed us to keep going.

Third Sequence: Group of old and new friends arrive at an crammed motel for the night. It is small inside. Is this the lobby? I ask one of our leaders later on. Where are the rooms? One is above us. The door is a story up but there are no stairs to it. Think of a high ceiling where the main room ... wow this is tough to explain. There are two floors in a way, because one of the guest rooms is at the height of a second floor but there is no floor connected to that doorway. How do we get up to the door? Felt like a Zelda game puzzle. The main floor of the lobby was actually an elevator that rose up to allow access to the next floor of doors. I only focused on one door though that I called to be my room. As the floor started to rise, I worried one of my friends left on the bottom would be caught between a portion of the ceiling that was lower because it held up a room from the next floor, and this rising platform, but she was okay. I went in the second story door and wondered how to send the platform back. It automatically went back. We were all talking to each other, explaining what was happening and voicing our questions aloud. "Here its coming back down. Get on this time." I called to my friend Chelsea. My dad entered from the main door. "I'm calling this room. I'm tired. The center floor is the elevator." Then I move in to explore my room.

Large space, big bed, too much for just me. Kate enters in from a side door. How'd she get up here? "There are stairs by the entrance." "Oh." She is ready to clean up and relax as well. What have we all been doing that would make us all so tired and want to clean ourselves. Feel like we have been traveling and training. I'm awkward. Does she want to share this room with me? Is that going to be weird because I have romantic feelings for her? A male leader, Angel character from Joss Whedon's show enters from the bathroom. Now how did he already get up here? Another secret entrance I wasn't aware of? Were we all going to share this room? Maybe it is the only room. Or he came from another room down that hallway where the bathroom is in between the two rooms. Yes that explains the layout I saw clues about but didn't put it together in the dream. Then another male leader... I know him. I know him intimately. I have seen him before many times. I know his name. But I can't remember it. He is blonde. [Not generally attracted to blonde guys but I guess I am to this guy.] His hair has grown so it has been awhile since I've seen him. Everyone is chatting as they move about to get settled in. I make a not so subtle joke that he can stay in my room, that I'll have him. He didn't seem to hear me and is chatting with Angel. I am wildly attracted to this blonde guy, and have been secretly for some time. Now who the f-ck is he? I don't even know if there was a name, rather an feeling of familiar presence like a fingerprint that was recognizable as being only him.

We haven't stayed long, but we already feel like we are preparing for our next mission. I feel strong need to make peanut butter oatmeal/cereal bars as part of this mission. Am I making the peace offering or distraction? Am I the distraction? I infiltrate through intimate means. Is the inclusion of an agent with demon background, like Angel would be representing, by design in constructing our teams?

Analysis: ... I got nothing... seems to be a complex mission dream, which I haven't had in many weeks. Never been so specific about who my other team mates are. Usually I was always in a two-three person team, now it has been in a group of five or more. Am I starting to work better in a group setting? I still felt introverted socially, but when exploring and interacting with outside sources beyond our group, I did play my part well and felt like a leader of sorts, maybe more of a scout or navigator. Still unclear. Maybe my role changes from team to team or situation to situation. Makes sense that we would be flexible. What's our mission for this team?

First and second sequences I confidently confronted an issue with a clear belief of fairness, until the third scene where I wasn't confident confronting issues around my feelings for romantic interests openly. I can confront strangers, mentors, authority, friends, neighbors, but not romantic interests. I finally brought up my polyamorous compromise to a situation that I have been faced with for years

Empathy with a Tiger

I did not receive any image of a flower or rock. I have two options now. I can either assume my questions are not actually being answered by my dreams, despite the evidence to the contrary with the many other times they have been, and I am just seeing answers where no deliberate, other consciousness influencing my dreams exists. OR, I am not asking the right questions, and thus not understanding the dreams surrounding the coming storm in the right context. In other words, there is truth and inaccuracy. We are like children to the spirit beings, I imagine. We complain we are hungry impatiently while our parents are preparing the meal. It does not help the parent to whine, so it does not help for me to ask questions not ready to be answered for me.

Night of Jan. 14th/15th 2013 
 
Dream,: Lying still and sleepily on a raised cushion by a large window that looks out on natural green scenery in a cabin that has elements of being a store or stopping place for visitors as well as being a place to relax. I am hugging a full-grown freaking tiger who is laying on the cushion with me staring out the window very peaceably. I am on my side wrapped against the tiger with an arm and leg over its body. It does not seem bothered by my closeness. It is sharing with me an experience, or through the power of something else, by touch, its experience is transferring to me for view.

While I am with the tiger, another vision overlaps my consciousness. I am merely an observer in this overlapping vision. A narrator speaks over the image. "The faction that splintered from the rest of the group wanted to engage in illicit sex..." A group of alien beings unlike anything I have ever seen before walk along a beautiful ocean shoreline of calm seas and a beautiful day. They are portrayed as undisciplined, rowdy. In appearance, they each looked differently. It was a group of different species or different races of the same species maybe. I just knew they were individuals and unique in their appearances. Skeletal armor-like skin, like an exoskeleton, not skin. Varying shades of blue with pale blue on the outermost ridges of skeleton and dark blue in the crevices. One creature had large shoulders protruding beyond its head. They stood upright. Both land and water capable. Seem athletic (consider alien being in "The Watch" movie). Eyes.. no pupil or white, just solid orbs without color, a greyish emptiness.

They are splashing around teasing one another as they head into the surf. "...and kill, and torment." An invisible cage releases a tiger at their command, the tiger I am hugging while I watch from a separate time and place. They are taunting the tiger. It struggles to keep above water, trying pitifully to find shore but is halted by a couple of them swimming through the water cutting it off by the constant movement, establishing a barrier that forces the tiger to turn back within reach of the others.

My perspective shifts back to my body hugging the tiger because I have built up such helpless empathy I had to verbalize my emotion with a whine. I am still, like I am in a meditative sleep [dream within a dream]. I feel such sadness that this creature I am embracing endured such torture. My perspective returns to the scene on the beach.

One of them has a long, dragon-like tail with sharp scythes at the end, and is slashing it at the tiger's back. They intend to kill it, but toy with it first for amusement. They are doing enough superficial damage it could die from blood loss.

Perspective again reverts back to me with the tiger because again of the release of built up helpless frustration at seeing this happen. The tiger remains silently looking out the window, perhaps unaware that this experience is being shared to me. I am offering my love and compassion to it with a snuggle closer into its fur. I am drawing comfort by being near it because I know I am helping to heal it. But to do so I had to witness the event of its abuse.

Again, back to the beach scene. I am feeling I am going to witness its death, that there is no escaping. Somehow though, perhaps with my thought, it does manage to escape in a random stroke of luck. This is very unclear. Perhaps I was spared the reality of seeing it die? But here it is beside me in the room. I nuzzle it and think "I am so sorry that such an awful thing happened to you. Please take my love. You are such an amazing creature for having survived that."

Two people who are my guides or guardians, dressed in hiking clothes and gear approach the window outside. The male says to his female companion "Didn't you tell her not to get too close to the tiger?" "Yes." She replies back as she catches up to him staring at us through the window. They were worried the tiger would be sensitive and lash out if someone tried to get as close as I was. I snuggled it even deeper privileged the tiger was allowing me to be this close because I was compassionate and willing to share the memory of its abuse.

[I asked a couple weeks ago one night why I dream of lizards, why had I never dreamed of non-domesticated animals? I see random people from my past, including those who are dead, old pets included. Where is my grandmother in all this? Why hadn't I seen her? ]

Next scene:  Temporary living with my grandma and aunt as guardians. We are traveling around together. Cabin we are staying at is for people passing through, but people can stay for extended periods of time. The place doesn't belong to us, but it feels like home. Best I can do to describe that feeling. Perhaps it's our time-share home while we are in that area. Nope, doesn't quite explain it.

I am loading the laundry into washer while conversing with my grandma who I sense to be talking about something she has opinions on which I do not agree with. I think she's being narrow-minded in her judgments, but I don't question her, just let her believe I agree with her. Her pushiness on the subject is however distracting me from my chore.

Analysis: People who were abused often fall into the same behavior patterns of their abuser. The use of the tiger was in part to convey the level of control and abuse of power the alien group had that a leading predator on our world today doesn't compare. What if, they were the original perpetrators of the cycle of abuse that continues to plague our world. Orca's toss their meal of seal pups out of the water in grotesque play, as do tigers even. A cat playing with a mouse. Could the tiger have learned to be cruel, bloodthirsty, taunting, predatorial by the original predators of our planet? The world was a pristine and beautiful place of harmony and peace, where even tigers were meek. The Bible says in the second coming the lion will lay down with the lamb and will no longer hunt or need meat to survive, but will eat grasses like the cow. How is this logically possible? What will Jesus do that will create this effect? Will the genes of cruelty and selfish amusement at the expense of another be wiped from our DNA? Is this possible? Are you saying animals were corrupted by this deviant group? Will we someday be able to sit amongst wild animals like I did? What an amazing idea to indulge in.

Did this deviant group originate from the oceans? Do they live in the oceans? Where were they from, how did they slip into evil doings? Are they Satan's followers? Or were these a different group that fell into the same abyss? Where are they now? Is there any animal representation of them on our world, like a kind of crustacean or insect? Do we have an animal that was derived from their DNA? Please be clear when this connection is made so I do not assume any animal in my dream is answer to this question when it really was showing something unrelated.

About the second part of the dream - My grandmother hasn't been a guide in my dreams because we would not agree on the issues I am asking to learn.

Night of Jan 9/10th 2013

 Note: I may not be in the right mindset to analyze this dream because I am so frustrated with my partner yet again coming home so late from work. I can't make it any clear, I can't show any more understanding. I've tried to be considerate, that's all I've been doing. But damn it your work does not define your love for your family, being with your family does. Pressure from work, or pressure from me, unfair right. But I make it a point to help make everything else easier for you. I hate that I am even at such a point where I feel I need to list them all again. Its a job that requires you to work later than average, I have accepted that and made adjustments in our schedules and lives so that its okay. But when our agreement is for you to be home by 6pm for dinner so I can write and you can have baby time, prove you do care more about us than your work and impressing your bosses. I am not unreasonable (as I kept trying to tell myself I was being). This is just ridiculous. [See next posting for essay on how an ideal Earth existence would be as suggested by the dreams where I am living separate, which I will note, I wrote before this all exploded today, yesterday when I was in a very calm place.]

Dream: Jim and I are in a beautiful hotel room filled with a glowing warm light of colors you'd see at sunset. The room itself is shaped like a plus sign combined with an asterisk. One small arm is a transparent material ceiling to floor like glass walls that let in the colors of the sunset. Everything is white and clean. This must be another taste of heaven. We are in bed relaxing. I stand up chuckling at some crack he made. Two figures in black bust in, a female and male, one from either door armed with silencer handguns. She puts a round directly in Jim's chest, I try to run and am stopped before I make a full stride by a pop in my back that topples me forward.

My perspective shifts around. I am the female assassin. She is applying two shades of lipstick to make the desired color in the mirror at her dimmer apt, reveling in her kill. Her boyfriend walks in questioning what she's doing. He is offensive toward her, but she knows she is superior in skill and only lets him push her around because of loyalty before she got into the business. His appearance and soberness is that of a stereotypical white trash deadbeat guy who makes his partner do all the work and take all the risks. She is going out to meet her contact in the lobby and celebrate success of her mission. She dons black, tight clothing. Somehow my subconscious likes to use stereotypes. I do not watch many shows that would contribute to the kinds of things I dream about. I watch Star Trek, not crime and acrobatic, over-sexualized assassin shows. Only thing that comes close is Xena. This analysis is brought to those who are curious if any visuals from my life are affecting my dreams sequences by the numbers.

This boyfriend grabs her suggestively to assert his dominance before she ducks out. She believes she is finally free of some obligation she made long ago to an invisible/elusive authority. Freedom feels around the corner.

She goes to the lobby bar of the hotel in which she assassinated the two (us). Bartender says their is a celebration coming. People are going to be gathering. [What are they celebrating?] She says she is here to meet someone, but exaggerates her excitement and interest in the festivities he mentions are scheduled for the day with an air of flirtation. "Not for you though. You don't get to celebrate." She halts. "What?" "You didn't finish the job." He is her contact. She leans in closer and lowers her voice. "What do you mean? I did my job. I got them both." "You didn't complete the job. The woman is pregnant and the baby lives." I, as both the assassin and the woman shot and pregnant, perceive the image of a fetus in the body of the woman on the floor beside her bed in a sort of zoomed-in, x-ray kind of vision overlapping what I see in front of me of the lobby and bar. "Damn it." She looks back to the contact. "You let him know I am finishing the job." She bolsters her certainty as prevention from her big boss sending a clean up man after her. (She didn't think those words, just had the feeling that she would be forced to relinquish her freedom in the field to work missions because she would no longer be trusted to complete her assignments. She would be eliminated the last moment before she won her freedom from the job overall.) She rushes off.

Back in the room, I am healed somehow, or didn't really get shot.. not sure how, but I got up and felt grief at the sight of Jim laying still where he was shot. He suddenly awoke as well. Shocked, I ask him how this is possible. He shrugged it away with some arrogant comment about how much more difficult it is to kill him. Bullet must not have been fatal was what I thought. He moved off the bed to me. We were both relieved to have survived but were nervous about the attempt. The assassin burst in again, her black clad obvious against the white of the room. Jim covered his body with mine as we pushed around the corner out of sight for a moment from her aim. He motioned me to leave, saying/or thinking it was not worth it for us both to die and logically being already shot (again, not sure how I wasn't all of a sudden), him being shot again would only bring about the inevitable and allow me to escape instead of us both dying. I sobbed but ran for the opposite door, knowing arguing would be a pointless risk of time. I ran through the lobby. The hotel and surrounding areas were alerted that I was escaping. Everyone suddenly became in on this task to kill us (reminisces of a few other dreams). I was switching back and forth perspective between the runner and the pursuing assassin.

Hotel's entire side is open to the air. A flat rock top blends from the lobby floor as a view point. Large rocks line the downgrade drop off the mountain top this hotel is apparently built on. Patrons are gazing at the sky after the setting sun. I run and jump right off the side, and roll down the dirt side of the mountain. The assassin involved the patrons in lighting bombs to throw down at me, convincing them I am a threat and need to be stopped. They all participate in throwing bombs. I find a ditch near the end of my momentum and fall into it, avoiding two bright explosions nearby that didn't seem destructive enough to be bombs because the explosion only spanned like five feet diameter making large circle of brightness and going out just as quickly. Without much affect around the brightness. I expected to see dust and smoke. Must not have been bombs like we know them to be. Assassin says "She will make a run when she thinks it is safe. Just hold your fire." When quiet for a few moments, I run again. I am able to evade the bombs miraculously.

Runner approached a tall, barbed wire fence with guards posted at exits. I sense the knowing that this is a middle eastern country. I wouldn't be able to maneuver my way past the guards and I couldn't climb over the fence before being shot down or caught in the spirals of wire. A way suddenly opened up for me, like a tear in space to another area. The tear is a vibrant blue whereas the area beyond the fence (what should have been what I was seeing but the tear was there instead) was the brown of the dirt. I step through into this scene of a little bridge over a creek leading to an outdoor round shelter like that during the song Sixteen going on Seventeen in Sound of Music. A group of people sitting in the shelter for a teaching or story invite me over. I hide among them listening and paranoid. Anyone around me could turn and be one of them.

Analysis: Problem with dreams is how many different ways of interpreting them. It could have dark connotation, it could have answers to my previous post's questions, it could be experiences of another life or another existence in a real realm we go to when we sleep, it could be deliberate or random creations of my brain without any structured attempt to mean anything worth considering and analyzing at the depth I do. Or, like this blog is all about, it could be clues to greater questions of our existence and beings beyond ourselves and abilities beyond our physical limitations that we can choose to ignore or explore. This is my ongoing battle: ignore or explore. I wrestle with it every week. Why can't I just dream about lovely things. Why must I be so doubtful and wishful of greater mysteries that I dream in metaphor. Am I both the assassin and the woman who was living in relative paradise with her partner? Is that demon from before a part of myself? I have been sensing the need to embrace my masculine, confrontational, confident side since my search into realizing an enlightened state has focused me a lot on my feminine side. There is a benefit to bringing that demon side along as a balancing force for what we are in this physical existence. I have been trying to overcome it, as if that is the goal to reaching a higher state of mind. Really I should be trying to accept and love what I am. The dark side of myself is still only trying to find a freedom from the ruling power that holds her. She is told to kill what is essentially her good twin (since both are me) to achieve this victory. But she is wrought with fear as well, she just controls it better than the other twin. I am striving for a cooperation between the two. Again, though, how do I reconcile the part about my dark twin that uses her sex appeal to her advantage... yes that is different from my message of open expression of love without barriers that society and religion and this existence of living with doubt and fear and jealousy impose. Yes, I know that is not the same thing. That I do not use on those I care about, but as a skill to create necessary change or missions for good (dirty work if you will). I have had missions before where I have done this and known that I am an agent for good, and it is a skill to use only where necessary. So then my issue is about turning that off if and when I see my childhood friend. He is like a stranger to me, and yet I feel connected to him with a compassion I want to offer to him more than anyone I have felt ever could benefit from patience, and understanding, and touch, and love coming from me, this vessel. Next challenge is all the other 'patrons' that my dark side convinces to participate in the bomb dropping on me. I don't know what I did wrong in the dream, why they were after us. Why were they after us? Well, in my waking reality, because no one wants to hear the kind of message I am trying to send about love. But if I am to fight for this idea, I need to trust it enough to do it, right? I am afraid of this. I am afraid of hurting people without meaning to. I can't control that.

What was significant about me being pregnant and the baby being a threat to them? The baby didn't feel like my current child. Was it a sign I am pregnant (I hope not)? Was it a metaphor for the seed of the message I carry?

Note: This entry written day after title, on the 11th.

Night of Jan 7/8th 2013

Although I ask particular questions which, regardless of the time of day I ask, bring forth answers in my dreams, what is also strongly on my mind before sleep is slipping into the messages. Hence my confusion with my message of touch as it was meant to be an expression of love and appreciation and graciousness, and has been convoluted to be synonymous with the raw act of sex without those higher feelings and selfish desire, rather than an extension of what is felt in spirit. Touch has always been misunderstood as a bad thing. It is revealing, yes, it is vulnerable, yes. But man has made it wrong. Molestation, rape, sodomy, perversion, has pulled us in on ourselves, hiding ourselves. This is an act of submission. We are submitting to what we allow to be the reality that these things affect how we express ourselves to one another, how we dress and hide our vessels, how we look on one another. The greatest deception I see is the oppression of the body, our vessels, we inflict on ourselves on others.

This is a point of contention for me even still. I strongly believe in this message which I have arrived at through my dreaming, but cannot seem to reconcile with my own intimate needs. Should there be a distinction as any moral person would tell me. The distinction I trust to be in intent. If I am serving good, if I can openly help someone, a person I already love, who is suffering and I have something that could help them, and I trust my fulfillment of intent to help them, is such a thing wrong? I wonder if Mary Magdalene ever found it pleasing to serve her Lord by caring for his physical needs of intimacy. What if there is two or more people you love with just as much ease as to provide that service if it means rising them up to a status of loving and graciousness, and gives them a taste of the compassion and beauty that awaits us. Is that kind of sex or intimate acts a wrong thing? I repeatedly wonder if there is such a companionship, even if for a day, I could offer a second someone whom I love, but maintaining an intent to heal and selflessness. This is what women can do. We are not all selfish, desire driven creatures. I can be, but I can also turn it off and choose which personality will drive my actions in any given moment. I would have to already love this person to offer such a service though, and it is that point which tells me it is not a corrupted evil.

There is a demon that tests me in my dream state. It plays on my back and forth internal debate with myself, wanting and striving to be and do goodness, where such an issue as the above lies. Is it a deception to make me commit evil or justify wrongness. Commitment to one, that proof of specialness, is important. What if a woman had to ability to remain committed in mind and spirit so much so as to perform physical sensual help to another without losing sight of that commitment? Is it detachment from the body? No. It is intent, a medicine for someone for a moment that includes the honest feelings attached to that expression of love. But in time spent, in emergency, in dedication to being with, the one committed to is absolute priority. I cannot describe this anymore than this. It does not make sense in human thinking, influenced by the laws of conduct in relationship which were and always should be the starting point for a person rising out of raw desire and physicality. How do higher beings see sex and love? The incorporation of the Ulum (machine race) in my dream that were matter of fact teaching

Dream: Two dreams, each of two sequences of images.
First, I am in a casino where the slot machines are video games that require another input of change every three minutes. I think I would get anxious with not enough time to get much done. The constant input would make me less productive. But three of four people are fixated on them, having played for hours, days maybe. I have a pad, looking down a list counting the people still stuck on these machines. All patrons/users were supposed to be coming along to something else.

Later scene, I am in back of casino. Some figure or force is threatening me or is not understanding me. In hopeless acceptance that I cannot be understood, bent over, I put a gun to my vagina and fire. The bullet explodes out my right side and I topple forward onto myself dead. A man was already dead under me whom I was enraged at the death of.

My perspective zooms out and floats into the next room into a body of myself where I am facing a galfriend (whom I've revealed my feelings toward: those of appreciation, protectiveness, and desire to feel those feelings reciprocated). I feel annoyed. "I don't care what you think, I have to go North to see him." Reference to going to see my childhood friend, which I told my partner about wanting to do yesterday. "I'm just asking that when you do, will you let me know?" Says my galfriend. "Oh, now when I am leaving you suddenly want to show feelings for me?" I say to her. I agree to let her know, just wanting to end the conversation from further hurting.

I walk into a small side room (like the office in my house) where my childhood friend is sitting playing a game. I ask him, "You want me to come see you right?" He makes a gesture of affirmation without pulling from his game. "Yes, see its fine" I wasn't expecting a big display of want to have me come up, I just wanted enough to get her off my back.

New sequence. Big campaign going on at a college level, or at least with college age people. Candidate is coordinating a rehearsal performance, the star is his girlfriend/wife. He is a sweet person, calm temperament. The girlfriend is a pudgy black young woman in an elaborate costume that sparkles, with long feathers protruding up from her hair. Walking down the steps, music cuts when her guy notices something a stage crew person is setting up wrong. The girlfriend declares she is done, her frustration having building up with having to do this performance. She had been doing so to support her guy in his run. She walks off with a sure attitude of not coming back. A couple women friends chase after her trying to convince her to return. I go after her feeling she had reason to do what she did. I catch up to her. She is already in a hot tub decompressing. I am very plain, behind the scenes compared to her. "I support your decision." She is glad someone understands. "He is a great guy ya'know..." "Yeah he is. But he was taking you to a place in his career you didn't want to be. What about your ventures? You have been so supportive of him, but there reached a point when you had to do what was best for you." She agreed and starting planning out loud what she will need to do from here. Her stuff would have to be packed and removed, she would have to look for a place to live.

...I don't want this. Why does this keep being put in my dreams?! She was already sure of her decision, I was just giving her the validation that would ease her mind. Everyone else was selfishly against her for the good of the campaign, without considering the demand it had been placing on her. ... Well in that sense I suppose I get it. What is good for me? I hate being selfish. I can't even ask for a massage or him to play with my hair (like I love), even when I really would benefit from it. If no stigma were applied, if not judgement or assumption made, I would want to see my friend once in a while for some personal time, and I would come back joyful knowing I was actively clearing up that relationship that wears on me and always will. The casino setting is a place of gambling. I would be taking a gamble. A gamble that I don't find myself wanting to stay with my friend, even though I want everything I have with my partner. 

2nd Dream: Perspective shot looking at a girl and many dark, minion figures on a sparkling white platform in the sky above the shore of an ocean. It is bouncing and turning over to force the figures that aren't supposed to be there off of the platform, but the girl, who does belong there, is also bouncing around, she is the last to fall off, unintentionally I think by whatever force was rocking the platform. I am now that woman climbing out of the water up a bank and toward a row of computers with people from my life on them. They are all playing the same game that requires learned precise sequences of typings. A twenty digit supplementary keypad, along with the main keyboard. My choir director is pacing back and forth up the rows to help students out. I am very lost, can't get past the first part because I don't understand the computer language to perform certain actions. A code has to be entered to even get to the right starting point. I missed the day we were taught that skill, they called it Shift coding, similar to HTML I suppose or key shortcuts maybe. The director lingered over my shoulder to help me more, but I still wasn't getting it. He had to move on. I asked the guy (an old friend's brother, David, who was good with computers) what to do. He helped me some. I recall the game featured a man in a long canoe, maneuvering a body of water. Then later a person in a first person perspective searching for items in a wooden, unpainted, series of rooms and halls connecting the rooms. 

Why am I always late for my classes in the dream world? I always want to explain to everyone that I am late not out of laziness but for good, important cause that they aren't supposed to know yet, even though  I am not sure myself what that reason always is.

After this, although I was the last to log out because I didn't finish like everyone else and couldn't figure out how to save, I lined up to go down some steps like an underground train system to check in at our lockers. Next we are riding on a vibrant white train. I am at a window, and can't see anything or anyone around me other than this corner because I am amazed that as we travel we are going through walls. These walls come toward us and we pass through them. Slight panic at first at expecting to hit each wall. I mean each wall passed through the train and seemed it would crash into my body but passed right through. I said this aloud, asking someone. An answer from behind giving me the knowing (without speech) that they will not crash into me and it should be evidenced by the number of ones that have already passed. The walls came every couple seconds in a regular repetitious, single beat pattern.

In a large hallway, our group's representative and a couple others want the rest of us to vote on three options with the main idea they want to do is give some kind of lizard eggs that would hatch soon to dying kids or some good cause as an uplifting gift. The image of the eggs came into my vision as white with bolts of bright yellow and lime green on the outside. They were very strange in their brightness and apparent delicateness. I was thinking why would we give these lizard eggs to kids who would not know how to care for them? Stand way up front as a vote to go ahead with the plan, stand to the side to vote for an adjustment to the plan, stand in the back to vote we do nothing. I, confusingly, stood in the center asking "Do we have to vote? Can we be neutral?" After saying that I thought that the gesture is trying to be good and so should be rewarded for that at least, so I stood up front. Our director was overseeing, letting us make the decision how we allot the funds we would raise. I believe the plan was carried through.

Analysis: Computers (at least for educational training purposes) and mass transit will still be operational is what I gathered from that last dream to answer some questions from yesterday night's dream. I do not know what more to ask on that topic. No indication of an EM pulse, but deliberateness to what machines go haywire seems apparent since computers and railway transit both run on electricity. So its not a mass electrical outage. Things are still receiving power, just behaving oddly. Interference in only some systems seems most likely. Long distance communication would be unnecessary if we could travel THROUGH light or with light as the leaps between scenes sometimes looks like: fast movement to a different place with spectrum of light and colors flowing by. Very brilliant.

Going back now, I wish to focus on the demon fighter from a few dreams ago. It is increasingly concerning to me the potential presence of a deceptive force in my dreams. On that note, I also wonder if I am being manipulated into thinking the kind of free expression of love is even possible for humankind, and whether my ease of shame in the matter of wanting to share through touch is also being manipulated. I think it is a rocky area still that is being used to target me with fear and doubt and shame. But is the kind of love I envision (even if I can't quite manifest it fully yet in my own reality, to start) really part of the divine plan? Difficult to separate all the stigma, rules, perversions it has become in the human world from what it really looks like say in the realm of good angels. What does the ideal love and expression of look like for good, divine beings? If I can get a clear answer on this, I will not doubt my inner feelings on it so much. Why do I have a feeling of expressive love that is almost explosive within me, which I withhold and only feel embodied when I am my inner self leading people in my dreams. Do angels have physical touch and sex with one another? Is sex with multiple individuals you love while claiming loyalty to one of those persons an abomination?

Where should I look for clues as to who this demon fighter is from my building/tower dream? What is that tower? Who were those humans hunting us? 

Extra: Met with my new mentor today the 8th, as our first meet since our outing at the park where I made him lunch and I discussed my unconventional ideas and what I believe is the workings of the universe toward me fulfilling my role in bringing forth the New Earth. I am deeming him my new mentor because of the happenings leading up to us deciding to meet together for Bible study and talk. He had prayed, without my awareness of this, to have someone he could share his research and faith with. He then wondered if I would be interested and where I was in my faith (this all he told me). He prayed it could be setup that he could share with me. "Then one day there you are in my back yard talking to me about your dreams." He is my neighbor, living in a studio apt attached to our house. We saw each other a lot during the summer when I would take the kid and dog in the field outside (an empty lot) to let them play. He listens, and gives credence to my experiences, my feelings, my dreams without trying to correct them to fit his sense of the Bible's teachings. My dreams and feelings and beliefs are an extension of the Bible, built in-line with what was said as an updated comprehension, one in which man was not ready for at the time of the original teachings. Just as Jesus came to redirect the Jews from their interpretation of the Mosaic teachings, so are we due for a reiteration of what was really meant.

Night of Jan 5/6th 2013

First sequence of scenes were answering my wondering how general population will be clued into something changing. In the dream, I am working at my old job at the university library in the stacks. I come into the office because I forgot to call in the start of my shift (its an automated phone system for tracking work time), but the line wasn't working. All over the library the phones were functioning improperly.

Next scene I remember, my younger sister and I are running away from a golem-like creature that suddenly came alive... it was a car that came alive and was climbing up concrete stairs after us [the bizarre dream that I had where I was with a group of people trying to deactivate or prevent a war between giant animated machines. Our cars and electronics will be possessed/animated/imbued with life somehow? Sounds like a more horrifying Transformers movie. Who would do this and is capable of doing this? Again, why would there be celebrating people like there was in my previous dream on the day of the rain? Or are these two events separate?]. We were climbing to what seemed like an ancient stone building. The entrance door was dropping down like a blast door. Would we make it?! I reached it first, slid in hoping if I was fast enough there would still be room for my sister to as well. Just as I slid I knew it wouldn't be enough room and coincidentally was able to stop underneath it with a foot as a prop until she could get in. The golem was right behind her, would she make it without letting him in as well? Was it best to ensure my own safety? NO. I would wait and trust I could immediately remove my foot and the door would close in time. My sister slid in, I removed my foot, it barely closed. We watched the crease in the bottom of the door for a few moments to ensure it could not lift it up. Door was secure, we proceeded to explore the pyramid like corridors and rooms.

Update about the Fleur de lis: common symbol on city emblems, coat of arms, flags, and coins in France. The three petals were meant to represent the three social classes or roles, which were fighter, worker, and pray-er (courtesy Wikipedia). I felt I maybe fell into the role of pray-er more, that my service was in utilizing my dream connection, logic and intuitive balance to navigate people. Worker as secondary service, and fighter last. My dream disagreed with this evaluation of what services I had to offer.

Dream: In a wide room with a small group of others. Giant leeches are sliding slowly along the floors and walls from a doorway. Dark bluish black dire wolf-like creatures are approaching. We are trapped in this room. I am casting magical attacks at the leeches with fluid arm gestures and chanting jibberish. Nothing is happening though. My vision is clouded. I can't see the effects (if any) of my magic on eliminating the leeches. I blindly believe I have magic and that it is working. A woman of similar age near me, watching me, is doubtful of my magic. I keep casting though with an air of relaxed trust. I turned to her and said "Just pretend. Pretend it works." As if that was the key to making it actually happen: imagination and belief. Regardless of my uncertainty of what was actually happening, she still decided my play sounded fun and so joined in, calling back to the rest of the group that was also in doubt but was not stepping up to do anything to combat the attack "Whatever, its something. Looks fun at least."

I tried to focus in more after they called to me that it wasn't actually doing anything. There was no light, no physical show of affect from me. The leech I thought I attacked remained untouched. Shit. The dark animal creatures burst into the room and immediately clamped onto me with its sharp teeth and strong jaw. I'm surprised I feel no pain. I was the likely one to be attacked first. Unrelenting, I tried to pry its mouth open far enough to pull myself out of it. The rest of the group had found a side door to a hallway to exit. I followed after them. Always trouble with doors through this dream: keeping them closed, getting them open, getting everyone through them in time.

I switch to close combat with a sword. Using a sword felt unfamiliar, like I never thought it would ever be a choice weapon of mine. Necessity forced my use of it. I had to defend the group. My dog and even my child were among us. I lost track of my dog. I lost him between all the transfers between doorways we had to hurriedly get everyone through. I called for him, but he wouldn't come and we had to close the door. I kept losing people, no matter how much I tried to navigate everyone to safety. Another group of humans was after us. They seemed like us... whoa deja vu. They seemed like us in that they were caught up in some kind of apocalyptic situation, but they were determined to kill us. Who were they? Why were they after us? I had to fight them and kill some of them to protect my group. I am not one to kill someone, why would you show me this spirit guides? I would only inflict deadly harm if they threatened my family... which they were doing. But why? They had captured me at one point. Don't recall the details except that I wounded many of them escaping. I played coy and ignorant with them until I had my chance.

In a hall with my group catching our breath, we hear a quiet singing in Arabic or Hindu (sorry I don't know which). Its coming from behind a sealed door with bars over a small window. We go inside. I can see above to see the full layout of the room. It is a prison for one being separated into three parts. What I mean is that there are three forms of him chained separately. One is human-like, another has a pale blue complexion and rougher skin with raised ridges along the head and arms and shoulders. This blue one looked meaner in appearance and more openly aggressive. The human, as I would discover, was more cunning. Not sure what the third one was. In dress and figure and features they were replicates of one another with some special variants. Three species of the same entity? They stood at the center of four layers of walls on all sides, and some kind of mystical field over the top. My group looked around, piecing together the reason for such a prison. One member said "Should we let him out." "No, don't" another stated cautiously. We debated curiously why he was there and what to do. Without deliberate action, we accidentally set him free. I have the sense that he spoke to me in particular, speaking kindly and calmly, luring me to the release and tricking me into hitting it without knowing what or where it was. The three parts of him merged together into one and he lifted his arms up as if satisfied with the taste of freedom. "Get out of here." I called to the others. "Run!" I yelled. He had held me there a moment, thanking me for letting him free and saying how unfair his imprisonment was. "What did you do? Why were you put in here?" He said some obvious excuse. There was a malevolence in him, but once combined, he took on a different feeling. He was ... human. I almost empathized with him. Now complete, I wondered if the parts would keep him in balance, check his dark sides. This thought is of course based on the analysis of how his personality evened out being put back together. I worried throughout his tagging along with the group if he was a demon.

We have to run and hide more, I navigate people through a hidden door to a small apartment. It's my partner's apartment. Why don't we live together? This is the the fourth of fifth time implied my partner and I are living separately in this alternate dimension. I am raiding his fridge and cupboards for snacks.

There was some part very early in this dream where I stumble upon these beautiful mushrooms of this glowing red tint. I call it a shaggy mane (native to Northwest), but later it is also referred to as a bolete (also native, and not similar looking). I cut a near perfect specimen, save the odd color, of a cluster of them to show whomever I was with, parental figures I think. I was so excited to find food and such a quality, plump source. I was beginning to cut them to throw in a pot of water when my fatherly figure grabs it and says "What are you doing? That is not a shaggy mane. Look!" He points to one I had cut in half already. There were small worms seeping out of it. They were (somehow) causing it to glow uncharacteristically. They weren't glow worms, the mushroom was just glowing to point out to me there was something strange about them as a red flag. This only became relevant in the above scene.

Back at the apt. I am laying across the counter to reach stuff on the top of the fridge. Score, I find a couple doughy bites with sugar and scarf those down. Image of my partner appears in my thoughts hassling me for eating his food when he chose things I don't usually want. Got to eat, babe. Another member is playing with something in the sink, and there is a lovely green plant on the other counter by that sink closer to me. My teammates are questioning our new guest: the freed prisoner, wondering, as I was if he was a demon. I kept this in the back of mind, but accepted for our current situations that he was at least a useful fighter as he had helped us fight through the beasts and pursuant human group. He was doing his part when it was time for action.

He responds to their questioning with one comment "I am most interested in her." He turns to me and climbs toward me with a determined look on his face of desire; head low, eyes locked on me. I am caught off guard, surprised that he would show such aggressive intentions toward me in front of them and after his combat behavior had already suggested he wanted to contribute to the group. Now in a cool down he jumps at the opportunity to express the darker side that still flows freely through him. He is touching my stomach and waist. Waiting, I suppose, to make a more threatening move toward harm, I realize the intent was seductive, as I am beginning to desire his further touch. I have to pry myself from his hold. After much mental effort and pull away by literally falling off the counter (on my feet) and stumbling to the sink where a group member holds a bag hanging from a netlike handle filled with algae water and what might be little fungus or something the person living here was growing (contradictory to the overall cleanliness and vibrant feel of the apt.). Something had spilled or been thrown at the demon-guy that burned him. The algae water and the mushrooms growing in a sill pot on the side of the sink were his weakness. I took the net and chucked the water at him, not to kill him, but I guess as a warning.

Transitions are unclear. We were having to run from the human group again. Switching between floors to find some safety. All throughout this dream I had been trying to hold open doors until the last possible moment for that last person still catching to us. At the elevator this time, we were too late. The person was caught by the monsters. We had to close the elevator. I had lost someone. At another time we piled hurriedly into a car at the base of this building outside. I only strapped my son in halfway so someone else could jump in quicker and we could get moving. The pursuing group nearly side swiped us from the other direction.

We return to the building. We have secured one area, and we hear word they are coming to this exact spot, but they don't know we are there. We abandon that large room to hide around the corner. I run into a glass room telling my son to hurry up and come inside. He is standing there peaking around the glass door, then without an explanation, turns around toward the other party. "No, no come back here!" My panic is exploding as my loud whispering for him to come back maxes and becomes normal decibel sound I was supposed to keep down or else risk exposing the rest of the group. He walks right past the two guards we had stationed (a woman and our demon-guy) in slow motion . I'm thinking as he walks past our two lookouts "Why aren't they trying to stop him?!" I can't yell the order without giving us all up. He gave himself over, walking right up to their circle and looking up at them. I halt as they look down and notice him. Tears fall from my eyes and I am overcome with loss and failure. What was he doing? Did he just act out of sweetness to say hello to people, running away from me thinking it was a game? Did he somehow know what needed to be done to end the conflict? They still hadn't seen me (their backs were turned away from us). I heard their decision to use him as motivation for us to surrender instead of killing him. He had a chance, there was no point in me sacrificing myself by going after him like this. I turned and ran back to the group. End.

Earlier part where my group and myself are running through dark woods. We are encountered by large wolves (white this time I believe). They are threatening, snarling, surrounding us. Feeling the only way to help us is to flee for help, one of us leaps over some fence or barrier out onto the highway that lies nearby. Semi's and logging trucks travel it frequently. They hitch a ride. What was the purpose of this scene? Supplement about the beasts that were after us? Message being we could not escape, one desparate, solitary remaining person free enough from danger to escape should? I used to wonder why I never dreamt about mammals except domestic dogs and cats.

Analysis: So much of this is so fantastical I have difficulty believing this is all meant to be literal depictions of upcoming events and creatures that exist. Using my questions still as a template for understanding the often confusing and bizarre dreams I have, I acknowledge the reality being portrayed that I will lose people. But my role as leader... Many dreams of leading people to safety, being navigator and feeling their was someone else as leader but not being able to pinpoint who that was. How am I supposed to be a leader? How am I supposed to deal with the feeling of failure when people in my group are lost if I am the leader? The responsibility will eat me up with guilt. I am not meant to be a background pray-er, navigating our decisions in planning while someone else carries out the difficult actions of being a fighter. The only evidence of my magic working was that I wasn't trying to see the effect of the magic, I just believed it was working blindly and despite the attacking leeches, they remained at bay. Only when I tried to see it by focusing through the cloudiness did it fail and the leeches and beasts reach us. But not even an after effect? I couldn't even see residual energy suggesting real magic was emanating from me.

Who was the imprisoned demon-fighter bent on seducing me? It is ideas like that which seep doubt into my faith and into my confidence in myself and my dreams. Did I let him out by giving into him somehow? Why is my partner and I repeatedly shown to live in separate spaces, even if we aren't necessarily separated by relationship? Does he represent something in me or a being in the world at large?

Who were the humans? Why were they hunting us? Was this a transition from the soulless zombies, then to the influenced people that were out to kill me when I was trying to explain that they were being manipulated and only a little girl would hear my message when I veiled myself (the sight of my face became the trigger to turn people onto the plot to kill me that some unknown force was behind ) [other dreams as well, I honestly don't know how I am going to update all my other dreams in any recognizable way for potential readers. One thing at a time I guess.].

How am I supposed to believe the animated possession of our machines? Is this literal or metaphorical? For sake of clarity, let's answer one thing at a time, if possible. Let's start with this one since I have had another dream about angry, possessed animal machines that I thought was on another planet altogether, and because it was closest in answering the question from the previous night's dream. Average people will be clued into the changes by their electronics acting up? What does this have to do with the rainstorm? An electrical storm? How is this cause for them to celebrate??

Update:  Imprisoned demons is a common theme in many religions and mythologies. I am not sure I will be able to figure out which one it was and whether I released him or he was accidentally released or will be released and it hasn't happened yet. Which demons are imprisoned in towers or tall buildings? The game Baldur's Gate (as my partner clued me in on; he is so helpful in guiding my understanding of cultural references and symbols with his vast useless trivia knowledge) was about a tower ruled by angels and divine priests who were actually there to hold the demon in the basement. Another lesser demon was also imprisoned in the tower somewhere, but he was captured later after the tower was already erected for the larger demon. Was the demon fighter, because he was on some random floor in a side room, also a lesser demon? Was the human party trying to keep us out, acting like sentinels? I don't even know how we got in though, and we certainly didn't have the intention to let the demon out. He was tricksy.