Dialogue with Dream Programming

The mind is a receiver, tuning to a station is simply a matter of thought. Ideas, desires, emotions all have charge that attract information. Although I cannot anticipate what I will dream about or why ideas I had thought about recently formed the story of images they did to depict themselves, I have managed to have an increased awareness and bleed through of my waking personality and thought processes during dreaming. I'm able to question the choices of the dream's programming while in the dream as my avatar self.

Dream Night of Nov. 28/29th 2013

Alone in a house that is mine. A group that lives on the outside, moving town to town, is in my area. Their leader is a man I'm trying to avoid. He likes to torment me by invading my home, show little regard for its cleanliness, and indulge himself sexually in our tense attraction. I try to keep him out, not wanting to succumb to him. He comes in uninvited, using my place as a rest stop for his group.

Knowing came around that he was in the area again. I lock up my doors and windows and gates. As I'm setting the last gate, I see him through a crack in the wood panels. He pushes it open, and I relent. He knows I'm here now and I can't stop him from coming in. My effort to keep him out offended him. I was upfront explaining why I didn't want him here, that he disrespects my home, and tempts me away from my partner. "I love my family, I need to protect us." I say to him. He takes one look into my house and sees the baby gear everywhere. His mood changes. He becomes reserved and insists he'll leave us alone.

What a shock. That's unlike him. Why would he be so willing to ignore another chance to abuse his power over me? He leaves through the gate, showing me a glance of a beautiful dark-haired woman lain on a bed in a white dress in the initial throws of labor. I push the gate open with sparked interest. He has a pregnant woman in his band this time around, either one of his or someone he picked up. I walk directly to her with a strength of conviction. Someone in the group points me out to the leader. He looks up in surprise and displeasure. "Wait, no. What are you doing? I don't want your help." He says to me. I don't listen, I go to the woman who hasn't quite started the birthing process, but will soon. "She needs someone who knows about birth, which none of you do. I have the right setup for her with all the baby stuff already. There is no where better for her to be." I direct them to take her in.

A Mother's Plea

I know that abductees recall their experiences as far back as toddler-hood. My son is two and a half years old and has been waking up crying and calling for me, hurriedly running into my room or too terrified to move out of his bed, saying in the few words that he has "Scared. Dinosaur. Scared." I had thought, he must be having dreams about dinosaurs. I asked him one morning about it "Did you have a dream about a dinosaur last night?" His smile changed to seriousness and he nodded in confirmation "Dinosaur.." babbling and
gesturing to his room about being scared and seeing a dinosaur. Now I have never shown him real depictions or dinosaurs. We read books from the library sometimes featuring cartoonish and silly dinosaur characters. How he could have made a connection on his own that dinosaurs are scary leaves me with a terrifying reality, one in which might be more than just a dream. On another occasion, when my partner was watching him, my son woke up upset. My partner went in and my son simply handed him the new little dinosaur stuffed toy (purple and blue, very cute and nonthreatening) his grandmother gave him two weeks ago. Then he laid back down and fell asleep again. Somehow, putting the dinosaur in Daddy's care, away from him and where he slept, was (I can't stop crying as type this).. As his protector, and given my absolute love for him, I have been resisting the idea that he might be experiencing encounters that I cannot prevent or save him from. All I can think to do is activate my own guides to fight for him and tell him that no matter what anyone or anything says, that Mommy loves you, on the off-chance that these dinosaurs would try to manipulate him away from me. I won't let them take away the foundation I have worked so hard to provide of love and support. It's important to me, given my own history of childhood abuses, that he feels protected, that he has someone present in his life to rely on while he is young.

Spirit Walking

It's late, already 7pm and the sun is down, but only now is my family ready to go on a day trip to the mountain. I'm emotionally desperate to revel in nature that I don't care how late it is. My father expects we will just sleep in the vehicle when we arrive since it's so late already, but it won't hold us. A small train with two cars pulls up and the whole side of one car strips back to allow us entrance. The inside is divided into compartments. My dad says we are each receiving assigned roles and titles. I can sense the unattached frustration in his manner. [The dream a few days ago featuring him cleaning the debris and junk out of the yard showed him with the same attitude. I have not seen my dad in over 6 months. But I suspect he is reaching a turning point in the state of his life with regard to the conditions of his home and the lack of motivation and forward movement by the household.] This was a suggestion I made to him in email about how to lead by assigning titles and clear roles that utilize their skills, so the focus is on contribution to the whole and feeling valuable. He assigns us with letters, though, not something I recommended or was familiar with. I am assigned "A" to mean second in command, assistant to the leader. My sisters each get a letter following that. Then, my partner, he calls him Mulder from X-Files (haven't even gone through 2 seasons of the show, but the concept of two partners like Scully and Mulder have been included in my dreams before to depict that kind of investigative relationship), gets the same 'A' assignment. I am relieved, because he was sitting in the end compartment and would seem to get the last letter. But my father recognized his usefulness and his importance as my teammate.

Along our train ride, trouble strikes. A highly trained thief and assassin had stowed aboard. She is dressed in a red chinese kimono dress with very short sleeves. Her hair is black and pulled back with a stick. Lips that classic red that covers only the immediate center to look like she is puckering all the time, and powdered white face. Long dangly earrings.

Reunited

The following events happen in sequence as I move from one area to another for different reasons. Without bogging my memory down with the order, I will simply lay out every scene and interaction I can recall.

Night of August 12/13 2013

Enclosed colony used as venue for spirit family reunion. Tenants are organized into a women's wing of dormitories and a male's wing. In kitchen spaces with foods brought from home or immediately from the store, some middle aged women are organizing and moving in and out of.

Waiting for Chris, Shantey, and Otus (the adopted family that grew up with mine) to arrive. Excited they could come. I haven't seen Chris and Shantey in so long, and I've long wanted to build a more intimate relationship with Chris. He served a tour of duty overseas and its changed him, made him anxious to settle down and enjoy quality company of someone he loves, which he already has trouble handing out. I've been a preference for him, especially since returning. The years since our childhood have matured us, but not quite far enough it seems to return us to each other. Fate always has seemed to have a plan against us. Whenever one of is available, the other is in a dedicated relationship. I finally claimed more choice in our fate by, at least in my imagination, allowing the possibility of loving two men simultaneously:  my current partner and father of my child, and my childhood sweetheart. We aren't financially ready nor emotionally prepared for this sort of trial and commitment, but it helps me to have it as a solution to the conundrum it's tortured me with for so long.

What is a Gift of Need? - Part 2

I also dreamed the night of July 29th 2013 about being too hard on my little sister for wasting the pie I made from scratch when she was just trying to offer a gift of friendship to Jim's older sister. I couldn't reconcile my compassion for her wanting to make a friend of Jim's sister, and my own frustration at how she ignored the gift I provided by casually discarding part of the pie. I argued that she didn't respect the time it took me to make that. I do have selfishness with my gifts. While she was willing to cut it up to fit the preference of the person she was trying to comfort and show friendship for.

Decisions in Covert Ops

Am I a member of a secret program? Why on Earth would I dream of this, and how could I have put together the content into such an elaborate story as a dream experience? Operations so covert, not even the operatives remember or recognize the mission as having been real.

Night of July 6/7th 2013 - 
This dream is retold exactly how my thought processes were in sync to the dream experience. In other words, all the non-dialogue information is real-time observation and thought during the dream.

Red Grid Marks Phenomenon - Case Study #1, Part 3 and Learning to Dream

Continued from Testimonial #1 Part 1 and Part 2

Questions remaining that may prove essential to understanding this phenomenon

Why 'Michael's back, why the butts of my palms, why the top of the hand in my Case 2 study? Does the location and shape of the marks represent something about the individual? Why a triangle, why a honeycomb, why a circle? Why are certain shapes appearing on certain people and not the same shape? Why was there pain and aching associated with mine but not with others?

Power of Imagination, and The Ultimate Unknown

Summary: Week's worth of dreams -  
Water/snow theme needing more investigation even after channeling discovery of it representing "same gene pool"; dark force mist invading my town and a test in the creative power of belief and imagination; thrift store theme, now toy store and a lead toward next Level up in spiritual abilities; stretching space and thick area effect like a black hole (portal?). 

Facing the Fear of Rejection

Series of recreations with people from my life. These were not memories, and actually now that I think about it, my dreams are rarely ever replaying memories, they are usually recreations and slight alterations added. Otherwise, my dreams are purely new stories using some elements of my life experiences, sometimes not.

Accepting My Skills and Favors

Summary: Standing out in new choir; New hire at primate facility; Motherly to a chimp toddler; Ethical dilemma on caging animals leads to a recognizably self-generated scene of helping release a pregnant gorilla; Distinction made between dream content and sequence assembled by outside design and those imaginings of my creation; Acknowledging the degree of my skills and allowing for the gifts granted to me by my hard work; Gift from my distant sister and the guilt of receiving rewards being viewed as freebees or good luck by my struggling family.

Unidentified Technology and Thrift Stores #2

Summary/Key points: Vortex in thrift store again; magnetic toy set and microchip prizes; enslaved upon a hovering mass of bramble and vines; UFO makes crop circle and excavates inner area; dig site marked between 1k and 5k (depth or years?); metallic device built into discovered pottery bowl that releases black then pink liquid; holographic bio-implants with prerecorded message about family stability.

Updated June 3rd, 2013 with sketch.

Quicknotes

Previous dreams last month quicknotes for future reference. These all occurred in April 2013, but not necessarily in the order in which they are listed here.

Dream 1) My oldest sister Angela depicted as an innocent, young, naive girl. Once wanting to sing with me familiar songs from our childhood in front of my scrutinizing college voice professors for an hour. I denied her saying they don't want to hear us sing that long, especially when we haven't rehearsed and hers and my voice are very different in quality and training (sounds full of myself, but honest). She felt hurt like a child who didn't understand why her older sister (role reversal) wouldn't sing with her.

Resurrection and the Wooden World

My apologies for when my posts seem to be bouncing topic to topic. These posts serve as documentation of the many leads I investigate. I will do better to identify which investigation each change in topic is referring to.

I believe I understand the primary ET relationships now. The Arcturians are the omnipresence in our galaxy serving as protectors. They are amphibious in origin and appearance (see my original description of the alien behind the panel in Abduction post). The Draconian Dragons, known to be the main evil race trying to enslave humanity, are of a different origin, whereas I thought the two major sides stemmed from the same origin or species as suggested in the biblical texts about the fallen angels that followed Lucifer. Now I recognize these two are mutually exclusive oppositions. The Arcturians, as revealed to me by Elizabeth Trutwin in email correspondence (see her site here) are scientists, and the most advanced ones of our galaxy. My experience supports that role. They are helping to handle the human experience; they monitor and guide the development of our souls in these physical bodies by what I can only describe as 'programming.' I believe my dreams are training and re-education programs specified for me, often times just meant to help me progress and reorient toward ascended existence for good and light.

One of these recurring re-education programs is understanding and being prepared for when the second resurrection occurs after the return of our higher dimensional friends. I've been speaking to my Mormon mentor to help me understand the often confusing and persistent themes of my dreams. This last meeting was spent on what Christians call "the second coming of Jesus Christ" when there will be a resurrection of all who have been on the Earth beginning with the righteous in a few stages. The last resurrection will be of the 'wicked' souls that will be cast out with the evil followers of Lucifer. I have seen zombie-like bodies taken over by a singly focused evil consciousness. It is no coincidence that our modern culture is obsessed with the zombie apocalypse idea. I believe it has been a deliberate inspired influence into our minds to be thinking of this idea and drawn to it. I was never particularly interested in the pop culture obsession with the zombie idea, but they are front and center in my dreams over the span of as long as I have been recording. A new one comes intermittently every few dreams. I have seen every type of zombie creature conjured up by human inspiration and even a couple that do not yet have their own show. Zombies that only awaken into their Earthly stolen body at night. Everyone must get indoors before nightfall, but I sharpen my weapons and ready to fight. I am always fighting them. I behead them or stab through the chest.

Not all the zombie types were evil either. One biker I saw while I was escaping the approaching darkness and they were heading into it, I asked what they are. We are transported to his house where I am knocking at his door asking my question to him (instantaneous travel with mere thought). He was receptive. He said when his soul left his body the body began to decay and when he returned to the body it hadn't realized he was back and continued to decay. When the dead are restored in the Resurrection, the Mormon religion teaches they will return to their bodies but they will be renewed. Why his was not I don't know. However, it did exemplify the idea of soul leaving and returning to old decayed body. He was a simple being, rather friendly. Why was he heading into the darkness as though it didn't affect him but it would have devoured me and others still living as original body-spirit partners?

In a few separate dreams when the zombies touch you and overpower your will to resist, they steal your body for their army. The same evil controlling force using the other zombies as chess pawns on the physical plane gain control of the person who succumbed. Every loss is their gain. When we kill zombies we are mercifully releasing the souls of our comrades who were suppressed when their bodies were taken over. We killed out of love, preventing the bodies to be used for evil on the Earth.

Another series of dreams that also happen every handful or so is living like refugees or traveling with my family stopping at campgrounds, sleeping where ever and whenever we need to stop or in temporary camps with other refugees. Along with this sometimes is another series of physical training through a wooden structure measuring obstacles of jumps and heights and falling or leaning foundation beneath me. So many wooden obstacle structures. Do they represent the physical world? The world of such base fallible material is failing. This last dream's structure was the most difficult. It was about to topple over and it felt more like a boat than secured in the ground. It was falling apart as I climbed through it. I had to avoid collapsing platforms. I used to have dreams of being a warehouse hopping between sinking platforms into the water filling the space. It was an obstacle course we took with teammates. Water... always water. Water everywhere! Flooding and torrential rains. We're always trying to escape the rising waters. Even the dream two nights ago I was visiting family friends and the house's beams were breaking. I worried the top floor wouldn't be supported enough anymore and would collapse in. Come to think of it a lot of my early survival dreams depicted run down wooden houses. A previously recorded dream after a disaster people search washed up rubble along the shoreline for pieces of their old lives. I look for gold treasure rather than old possessions, and see a creature in a mangrove swamp. And in two dreams I was in a barn and a wood structure with teammates gathering weapons. In one we were in pairs (like I have seen before in these wood house obstacle dreams) and we are taking our time going through each room while the other teams rush ahead. Its a race, but we feel we are better preparing ourselves by managing the obstacles we get early on in the race and finding quality weapons. Those who rushed ahead to win will get stuck midway and will have to back track. I get it now! Yes the wooden obstacles and mazes are the physical world. There was even one where adults (I am often a child compared to them but still an adult) were clapping and watching on the edges of the play structure while I overpowered my competition in a test of skill and imaginative power. They are our higher dimensional watchers, like the Arcturians. This physical world is a play structure to learn and build our strengths in. Oh so many of these dreams make sense now! It must be so annoying for my programmers to be coming up with so many different ways to show the same base message, trying to use the same symbols in the hope I will put it all together eventually. I think I get it now. Thank you. In one dream I was griefstricken when my playstructure/hometown/physical world was destroyed because I lost my family and friends except my little sister (whom is not any of the little sisters I actually have, and this person is also recurring in my dreams). I ran away from the two adults (higher dimensional caregivers) who were trying to console me and protect us by removing us from the area.

Okay. So the physical world in which we are navigating through is failing. Do we get out of the structure alive before it collapses? I don't know that I made it out of the structure, the dream ended before that part. I see my family as refugees, but they got destroyed in the above dream. I've asked this before, but what happens to my family when the veil falls?

To Serve

Night of March 6/7th 2013

I am in combat with giant hovering eyeballs (not beholders) with red veins. They don't do much. I am armed with a sword, slashing and thrusting like a kid again playing a make believe adventure game. Facility is evacuating. People are running out. Alarms going off like a fire drill. I have a partner who is the primary fighter. He has to go off to fight the boss eyeball, and I must protect these people. I question leaving me to fend for them alone. He runs off, insisting I will do fine. The responsibility concerns me and I tell myself to just strike. I cut down an eyeball in a room. Someone tells me the eyeballs are getting to the escaping crowds of people though. I panic and come out. In a reaction of faith I cast a storm spell over one of the eyeballs nearest the lines of running people. Funnily, I make the sound effects for the storm thundering lightning on the enemy. There is no actual visual that my spell worked. It was like I was playing pretend. I tell myself I wounded it, that it wasn't strong enough to be a finishing blow. I slashed it down. But I acknowledged to myself I wouldn't know if the spell actually had affect. I get hit, and act as I would if it really happened, but I felt no real pain. Again, I was playing true to it being pretend even though I believed it real.

Power

Night of March 5/6th 2013

Dream: Two main scenes showing me first with my son then with my partner, Jim, in a joyful state of interacting with them. Scene is shades of gray, near void of real color, but my feeling of peace and love is unaffected. A brilliant light sparks between us as a beautiful manifestation of divine approval and power from our joy being together. With my son we were laughing and snuggling and I involved myself appreciatively in his play, and with my partner we engaged intimately, naked we wrapped around one another. I said to him I wanted to show him something amazing. Immediately I brought my hands to prayer, still in his embrace, and an arc of sparking light like how 'God' appeared bursted from my abdomen in a different dream experience (one of my most profound). It was nothing short of magic that released into the gray, dim world through our love and prayer. Gives a truer meaning to the phrase 'making love' than we've ever understood. It was beautiful and I wondered if it meant I could harness water, if it was a power to make miracles happen. Jim pulled away to see it more and pulled my soul out as he moved. My perspective remained in my body though, petrified, seeing a glowing outline of myself pulled out and with him. "Whoops." He said and somehow let go for it to return.

Angels Above Us

I am filled with love. My car broke down for the fourth time in the last month yesterday. But it turned out really well. We organized for my dad to come over to the East side where I was staying with Jim's (my partner's) dad. Jim was also up 300 miles from Medford to see us since baby and I have been bouncing around up here for two weeks while he was working at his job down where we live. I was up here working on my book while family daycared. We really needed to see him and the dog. They really needed to see us.

Last post I explained wanting to give something back to Jim's dad and wife for hosting baby and I this last week, occupying Link with fun activities while I worked, making us dinner each night and helping feed Link at breakfast before I left. It really helped me to be in the atmosphere their home creates. I wanted to at least give her flowers as thank you. Stopped by store before we said goodbyes today and debated between which set of flowers to get her:  a bluish arrangement in a pot, or a cut-stemmed bouquet of mixed flowers (less expensive). Needing to hurry, I eventually landed on the bluish arrangement for small reasons that somehow surfaced as important enough to warrant choosing over the other. Turns out, she (Link's grandmother who we have been staying with; wife of Jim's dad) had been wanting hydrangas (???) for a long while and just hadn't brought herself to buy some yet. She said they were better than just a cut stem arrangement (which I was debating over). I was so relieved I was steered enough to choose that set. I asked two nights prior to help me find a set of flowers that would be to her taste, which she would be able to feel appreciated. How amazing that worked out.

My car also ended up only being a couple hour job to fix the problem, and my dad had a lovely sit down dinner with us all at their house (two grandpas in one place). Our dad's got along nicely because his was in engineering, and my dad was a mechanic. Jim's dad was giddy to work a hands on project with automechanics with my dad (according to his wife). "He is loving this!" She said to me. So my misfortune with my car became a great way to bring our families together. It even gave Jim and his dad a chance to go to an autoparts shop together, the first time they had ever done that, which was an amusing thing to them. They thought "Shouldnt a father and son have already done this by now?" Plus, it was good for me to hear someone outside of my family call my dad 'intelligent.' People of their success were impressed by my dad's knowledge and curiosity, as evidenced during dinner conversation when he enlightened us all on the progression of cars from good old mechanics through hydrogen cell, electric, biodiesal fuel, and more. My dad also divulged the sad news that he and my mother are declaring bankruptcy because of their level of debt. Why is this intelligent, generous, hard-working man not employed?? We paid him a nice tip for coming out yet again to help save us money.

I am humbled in the incidents of the last few days and weeks how much our genuine requests for specific assistance paired with trust and love and submission with the proper amount of effort and consideration and karmic return can yield supernatural results. We have beings watching over us. I know I lose faith in their presence a lot because I get caught up in whats only in front of me, but when I submit and honestly ask for what I am reasonably searching for, the circumstances arrange for it to be carried out. I felt incredibly supported and loved that here we are outside in the drawing cold of the setting sun, my partner (up for only a couple nights), my sister, my dad, both grandparents we were staying with all contributing to fix my car. It was a beautiful display of family and cooperation and coming together. For a while now I have been realizing how much the isolated setup of family units apart from any sense of close-knit community allows feelings of depression and separation to fester. There is no drive to uphold propriety and face if there is no family or others to impress. Without motivation to measure up to their standard for themselves, I too easily fall into habits of sleeping in late, making excuses for myself, missing out on chances for interaction, complaining. Knowing my partner's family is watching, I want to show them I am a good mother and partner and have interesting ideas to put out into the world. Then because I am willing this good side, I inspire the feelings attached to it. I become patient, relaxed, attentive, motivated, choosey about which feelings I express openly and thus reinforce. By imitating the characteristics I want to emphasize to others about myself, I have been reinforcing those feelings.

I needed a check on my patience and my tendency to complain and it starts with how I got up in the morning. No more sleeping in. Get up early, make breakfast for family, send Jim off to work, dress, take baby to childcare (the biggest change I've decided to make, investing/budgeting for parttime childcare), writing and walking Odin, then rest of day, baby down early. I used to survive on six hours of sleep, I can get enough if I get myself on a more reasonable schedule. What I've done before was working for a time, but now I need a new routine. We also are changing our mattress. I forgot that maybe our mattress may be contributing to why I don't wake rested and my injury aches and I'm so tired.

There are Watchers up there caring for us when we ask with genuine humility and honesty. Stop frantically searching for your keys. Pause, close your eyes and calm down. Now ask "Please help me remember where my keys are. I am late and I need to find them quickly." And trust. The answer will come to you. It is circuitry built into the fabric of the universe. It is telepathy with a universal knowledge source that connects us with all moments in time of ourselves and others so we might find the information we seek for proper handling of the physical moment, a plane of existence different from the others in how we perceive time and life. We can manipulate time. It revolves around us, not us existing along it. I wish to bask in this feeling of faith and comfort so I might reinforce it as a standard for myself.

Consciousness Abduction

Edited October 20th, 2017

[Note: The connotation I associate to this experience changed a couple months later as I developed a curiosity and understanding of the beings I encountered. My initial reaction was one of distress and confusion. I was so disturbed by the experience I woke up and immediately needed to draw. I found crayons and paper and drew three images (poorly, I might add) from the experience.

Although I've titled this experience as an Abduction, I must iterate for myself that I did state a readiness for such an encounter. Perhaps there was some amount of complicity in it.

First was a lucid dream where I met the shape-shifting blonde, eagle woman and saw a UFO scanning the trees. Then, I awoke in a different body not my own aboard an alien ship. I cannot highlight this enough. My consciousness was transferred to a clone-like, weak body which I awoke into.]

INTRODUCTION

Most significant dream experience I've had in a while. Shocking, and disturbing.
My morning was extremely difficult fighting with my toddler's refusal to accept I cannot nurse him as much as he wants. I felt helpless, second guessing, as I have been this entire trip in Portland to work on my book, if coming up here was a good idea. But I must get my book done. He misses his dad so much. I miss having him put the kid to bed to help me wean. He can't nurse if I'm not in the room (I would sleep on the couch most nights). I'm embarrassed. His other grandparents and aunt want to take him out to the zoo on the weekend and I am nervous he will throw a tantrum the whole time.

A degree in psychology, experience as a child care worker, raising my own sisters, you'd think I would know a thing or two about this, but I am exhausted! I took a nap at noon, too upset and tired to work today. And this is what happened...

Family and Other Influencing Forces

I'm convinced. Some force was testing me. Did not want me to get up to Portland to work on my book. Two-three weeks ago while down with the flu, I decided the answer to my desire to get my career started was to have my family up north watch my son while I worked a regular 6-8 hr day on my book until it is finally done. I would leave of course when I was well enough.

Day before I aim to leave, my car breaks down. Figure after a couple days trying to fix it that I would have to take it into the shop (replace the alternator). Day before I am to take it in, my partner's car breaks down. His is a reliable car, so this felt random enough. We had to get towed after an hour waiting in the cold. A wonderful tow guy gets us home hours later, tows the car to his shop and schedules to have it fixed the following morning, and gives us a discount. Tewdell's towing, thank you! Friendly guy too. So my partner takes my car (running, but not safe for a long travel) to work.

His car is ready the next morning, but I end up ill again with fever from being out in the cold so long (still wasn't recovered fully from the flu). Few more days go by to break recurring fever. Rescheduled my appointment to take my car into the shop, didn't feel right to reschedule again. Pushed myself to take it in with my son on decent behavior. Yay, car's fixed finally! I can go I leave two days later.

Of course, though, the forces hell bent on delaying me decide to again strike. Mid-drive, acceleration goes out. I have no choice but to turn on my flashers and park onto the side of the freeway. I'm 60 miles from my destination. Sun is setting. I'm out $600 already on car repairs this month, so can't afford a $70+ tow (again). I call my father to come tow my ass the rest of the way. I also call my partner, "Believe me yet that something doesn't want me to get up here and finish my book?!" Two and a half hours we wait in the cold of the car. I bundle us up in double layers of clothing. Soon there is nothing more for us to do but sleep and conserve our energy. My little two year old is snuggled between my legs against my chest sucking me for warmth.

[Just permit me to complain at this point.] Another hour and a half for my dad and sister to makeshift a trailer and wench into a towing apparatus. A slow ride the rest of the way, but I was happy to be in a warm vehicle at 9pm.

Not only did I fall ill yet again from being stuck in the cold, but my car needed another fixing. Luckily my dad was a mechanic and was able to fix the engine parts without too much hassle. What a life-saver he is! I found a new appreciation for my family throughout this ordeal. They helped without expectation of payment. Two days braving the cold and bending around with his bad back and aching knees to get me home and get my car working (he's retired, but without the nice retirement package that usually comes with that declaration; they survive on SSI and credit). Despite how frustrated I felt about everything, and caring for a toddler sick, my appreciation for them is renewed. I'm intent on changing my general attitude about them.

I used to focus on how dysfunctional their relationships were within the household, how unmotivated everyone is about finding work or cleaning up the clutter of the house or getting involved with people in the community like joining a club or a finding a hobby. They're very paranoid. They are what they are though, I suppose, and they are definitely there when you need them. They put their energy forward where it really counts. I'm realizing why they are such a recurring theme in my dreams. They would do better in a survival scenario than most. They know the in's and out's of how the system fails its citizens. These are the people who would benefit the most from the Nesara redistribution. Their lives have been a constant struggle to just keep food in the house. Perhaps this sounds egotistical, but maybe their true purpose for the major changes to come will be support. If I am to lead in any capacity, I would certainly benefit from their support. As well, I fantasize being able to provide them relocation to a new house with adequate space for them all. One without mold growing in every corner, breaking boards, poor insulation, central heating and air, someplace worth keeping clean.

They have been excellent with my son. The burden of feeling like the sole caregiver are considerably eased. Having raised five children helps. I have five capable, experienced nanny's here whom are tickled to help.

When my car broke down on my way up, it stopped me facing a rainbow. I found the promise in all the breakdowns, both mechanical, emotional, and physical. I need to improve my relationships with my family in order to ascend. I cooked my dad a lovely, healthy dinner as thank you, and paid him for the gas.

Perspective Shift

Night of Feb 5/6th 2013
 
Dream: So much water! In a warm climate on beach front. Small, broken down shack. Windows and doors open. Water is rising. Beginning to leak in our open front door. Person I'm with dismisses it saying it will only recede now. She (my mother again, it felt like) mops up the area at the front of the door. Something odd about the delay by which the water was coming into the house. The water level was a good half foot above the level of the entrance, but only a slow, thin amount at the bottom was flooding in. According to the physics of time and space and gravity, it should have been moving in much faster and in greater quantity. Suddenly water is filling the room. We are running out of space at the ceiling to gather air before we are trapped in a box of water. We concede we have to escape.

Next scene from this, driving in a full car with a few friends now excited to survive a life of adventure on the go. Daring, our driver heads straight to where a peninsula is supposed to be; want to see the water's edge. Shocking, we all exclaim "Where is the peninsula?" "The water flooded it! It rose that high." Water seemed calm, never actually seemed stormy. Perspective pans out so that I am viewing the car my dream self is in from out above the ocean. Not sure what purpose this served. 

In a stream, fall asleep in stream, curl up and doze. Can breathe fine, like a pocket of air extends down in front of my face. I am not completely immersed. Awake with the feeling I have been irresponsible, that Link (my son) has been left unsupervised in a river. I look down the river and see a figure doing somersaults in the water. Panic that it is Link. Didn't start out as behavior declaring help, but became so. When I arrived, he had already fallen unconscious. What if I couldn't resusitate him? I knew though that this was dream state rules, so even though I felt superficially the desperation and grief of the possibility that he may not wake, I knew within that he would wake because it was a dream and I willed him to be okay. There was not an actual resusitation. The scene simply moved on. Maybe I passed the test?

iPad-like device was possessed. An intelligence living in or as the device was trying its hardest to scare me with a game it insisted I play. I'm in an old house with part of roof missing in one room. Call for Jim to show him the game, and to also calm my spooks on edge from the game. Didn't want to admit it really was getting to me. No answer. Where was he? Nervousness. Can I keep up this charade? Will the evil device win?

Return with group of same age men and women. We all want a shower. Only one shower room. A few women immediately begun to prep for their showers. A line of of mostly the men stood at the entrance. Before they could turn the corner to see the undressing few who led the pack to arriving first, the issue learned from my previous dream inspired me to take control. I turned and told everyone we should do each sex separately. Women would start. "Well that's not fair." I anticipated. Need solution. "We'll start this time, next time we do this much activity, the guys start and so we'll just rotate back and forth who showers first." They agreed. I shoed them out the door. Everyone was satisfied. I devised a quick compromise based on the immediate situation. What was before a pointing out of my arrogance with forcing my vision of an equal, respectful way of interaction onto others not remotely ready to follow such a change was identified as being resolved with this scene of the dream.

Analysis: For reference, I love water. I birthed in water, I love swimming, and have a weird desire where I become so mentally thirsty to be enveloped in water while drinking pure clean water that I imagine being water. I want it to fill and flow through my body like I am a being of pure water identifiable by only a human outline.

However, I am beginning to wonder if the dreams of flooding are metaphors for when I am overanalyzing, when I am flooding an issue. Can it be both? Because it has been rather uplifting believing I have prophetic ability.  If dreams work like how the shower scenes worked, in that another chance will be granted to determine if my approach has changed,. What am I supposed to do with those flooding dreams? I ruin a peaceful moment with worry, as what was illustrated with the river napping turned shameful for irresponsibly letting myself have a nap when I should have been watching Link. I figured it was a warning to not doze off so much and let him do his own thing unsupervised, like I tend to do in the mornings. Perhaps though the trick is "believe whatever brings you to a state of ecstatic joy and by fulfilling your truths, you will not have the need for a self-improvement dream.

I imagine my spirit guides are rather frustrated with me. 'How many times must we show her that for humans to achieve a higher vibrational consciousness, we must accept that we have the power to create and manipulate time, events, and what we used to consider separate: reality and imagination?' How many times before I believe that enough to imagine myself finishing my book in record time, feeling rejuvenated about my future career, finding the right attributes and knowledge I need to demand my book be published and myself represented by quality professionals that will take my message seriously and help me toward success.Why does doubt rule over me? Probably because I let it. My greatest weakness I think, but has been my strength in some ways, allowing me to see things from both sides, and know in and out how it accumulates in a person's soul.

I've only been pointing out the negative possible interpretations of these dreams. Maybe they were in answer to last night's questions. Where can I find the right mud? On a warm coast, or in a soothing stream that makes me sleepy. I can't let the evil device win! Also, another example of machines imbued with life. Is it possible for a machine to have free will? Aren't humans biological machines? Is there so much of a difference? If the soul originates from a source, then unless a soul can occupy a machine (something that has been suggested many time in my dreams actually through many different examples), a machine can only imitate and execute programmings without true awareness.

Taking Care of Business

I asked before bed, having been feeling very lost and aching for change, what can I do that will allow me to better stimulate and educate my son, while granting me freedom, get away from my monotone environment, but still survive and feed us, travel but still write, and see both Chris and Jim? Is there a solution to all these aspects? The happiest I have been in the last year was when I was traveling around to and from Montana. I liked the few weeks traveling, few weeks at home balance. But how can I write and travel? Will I have time to write if I see both men while toting around a toddler? I imagine as a writer that would be the kind of living I would have to do, and I would have my own money to do it with. However, I have to actually have a writing job, and I've worked too hard on this damn book to take an unrelated gig requiring me to diverge from my topics of interest. But I can't write enough during any given week to finish the book because I don't have child care, and even then I wouldn't see Jim for months maybe.

Dream: Grabbing snacks at a mini-mart. Those with me include my dad, Chris (childhood sweetheart), two of my sisters, Kate (friend), Link? (my son). We stopped here along our travels. I am scooping a self-serve taco bar. Kate starts singing a song while she finds her own snacks. I join in near the end with a harmony, and one of my sisters (or another friend maybe) does so as well, producing a nice sound. People in the store applauded. I hadn't even looked up from choosing which toppings and scooping. Someone asked me to sing again. Humbled, I look around to gauge the reaction. Others also seem interested in hearing more. Okay. What should I sing? "Give me a moment then." I quickly grab "Bohemian Rhapsody" out of the air, its an energetic crowd pleaser that everyone can join, and its well known enough to assume most adults do know it. I dramatized every verse. Soon, everyone had joined. Much to my surprise, and entire chorus and make-shift orchestra of beats had added. We performed together there in the center aisle of a little mini-mart with diagonal rows. Some were off key, but overall, it was fun and was good enough to boost the mood of everyone there. We allowed it taper off at a point we somehow all agreed (without any cue) would be an appropriate ending point (since it is a long song). Then everyone laughed and clapped and went about their business with smiles on. Wow.

I approached the counter. My friend agreed to pay for me. I tried to be conscientious about the prices because our funds only allowed me to spend like three and a half dollars for snack. I think I went over a little. We were walking out, Chris was leading me with a hand at my back. "Didn't expect I could do that, huh?" I asked him. "I've always known you were amazing." He replied soothingly and with such a genuine appreciation. I smiled.

Next moment, we are walking into a corridor with framed pictures lining a long wall. Around the corner was where everyone was settling down to sleep. Chris and I were still talking about the random chorus number in the mini-mart. I wasn't ready to sleep, I was hyped up from the experience. I explained that I often know how to liven up a room that usually sees little positive excitement. Such places need that boost of energy.

Analysis: So what, your answer is to be a kind of traveling bard? Am I supposed to travel around surviving off limited funds and donations? Yes I enjoy singing and bringing life to a boring or awkward situation, as I do among friends and when I am out for a night on the town. I meet people, I do lots of karaoke. Hometown taverns have the best kinds of personalities. And I like the idea of bringing my knack for changing the energy of a place into that of an expected and uplifting experience. However, that requires a lot of faith to just go about trusting our base needs will somehow be met through the miracles of the spirits. And where is my writing in all this? Where is Jim? Was this a long term answer or a short term solution?

I returned to this frustration at the end of the day. That feeling of being trapped was stirring too much, hindering my patience with baby, yet again. Overcoming the weakness from the flu only adds to the feeling. Wrestling with these life-planning issues, I finally landed on an answer.

The first draft of the book is very close to being done, just a few stubbornly complicated sections. All the base material I need for directional purposes have become clear in recent weeks through my dream relationship (relationship with my dreams as a guiding force). I should travel up to my family, have them watch Link (which they would enjoy frankly, although I would need to monitor that he is being cared for) while I work during the day like a regular 8 hour job at the library until my book is done! It might be weeks, but if Jim wants to see me he can just come up, since his family is up there already. Also, if Chris wants to see me he can come down (my family is around half-way point between my home down south and Chris further north). Otherwise, I am getting this damn book finished. It is my ticket into the publishing world, I've always believed that. My sister/editor is pregnant now so she won't be able to help me much anymore. Jim could act as my editor, he would be more reliable anyway for content; I do grammar corrections pretty easily myself already. Link would enjoy being with the bustle of their house, and so would Odin. I would have my babysitters and time to work. After my client tomorrow I should pack to leave Sunday. Do errands tomorrow. I will have to say goodbye to Chelsea since she is leaving, and explain why I must see her off early. Bring her a nice present. Soccer is on break anyway for a few weeks, so good timing there as well.

I'm not certain my dream was alluding to the answer i arrived at, but I know I feel my best when I can bring beauty and love to another person, either with my presence, company, or song (for strangers and platonic friends this is the least). Can my writing capture that same essence?