Jun 11, 2013

Facing the Fear of Rejection

Series of recreations with people from my life. These were not memories, and actually now that I think about it, my dreams are rarely ever replaying memories, they are usually recreations and slight alterations added. Otherwise, my dreams are purely new stories using some elements of my life experiences, sometimes not.

My anxiety level since doing the contact session with that intelligent force has been debilitatingly high for the first time in over a year. After three days of fighting to bring it down to center, trying to correct my spine alignment with moderate success, I finally delved into the difficult analysis of why am I feeling lack of control? What am I afraid of to keep me from taking charge. I worry about the affects of every little thing on the future. Why am I terrified about starting the search for a publisher/agent/editor? Why do I insist on perfection in writing my book, that sucks the joy out of it? What am I afraid of? Rejection? Is that really all it comes down to? I have to be prepared as much as I can for that, though if I am to enter this field. Fear that I will have wasted my time... determined by how accepted my work is. Strong will, that is a lesson my dream guides keep underscoring. I tried to familiarize myself with the worst outcomes, a kind of flooding therapy for myself.

In turn, the vivid dream of last night showed scenarios of rejection and how best to handle them. People from my life who've faced unrelenting rejection made appearances:  my overweight uncle not because of his weight but because of his bitter attitude, as one example. In this case I was explaining to him why someone I knew well seemed to not like him, redirecting his attention to his own treatment of people, and that my friend meant no harm, but prefers not to be around his negativity and tendency to judge and misinterpret.

A young woman who pursued me up a long hill, and eventually won me over (I'm masculine in this section; running away from her by climbing a snow hill with my best guy friend as a game), left me moments after I accepted capture and happily turned the pursuit and attention toward her. In a highschool reunion scenario, everyone had to walk through the double doors in celebration with a companion. Mine changed her mind here, preferring to join two close friends rather than walk beside me. I was suddenly without a companion to walk into the celebrating crowd with. Everyone was happily, and playfully strolling down the isle into the music and streamers. I tried to join other small parties of friends I knew, but they didn't seem to notice me. Guess we weren't as close as I thought. Finally, I had to enter alone, but then was denied access to the after party club where the real celebration was taking place. I didn't purchase the necessary pass because I couldn't afford to. Snowing outside in this scenario and the next.

I was rejected subtly by a close friend's husband out of her home because he wanted to grant his family with their newborn privacy to figure out how to manage parenthood. She, herself, rejected me by siding closer to old friends who banished me from their lives. And again when I realized she worked at the same place I did, based on what I started to accept about the falseness of our friendship, I knew she would prefer I didn't make our association known because she didn't actually care for me.

How often have I already experienced rejection in my life? It was a constant. Why give in now? Yes it always hurt. Yes it reinforced my introversion. But it taught me to march to my own beat. Maybe I need to think smaller. Big ideas will still make big changes, but there's no need for me to stress about the extra risks of big ideas and big changes when it impedes the process from even happening. It's not doing me any good to worry about catching every possibility where someone could take something wrong or sue me for copyright infringement. Yes, I will need to consider those possibilities, but first things first:  getting the first complete draft done.

Now I am calm again.

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