Jun 25, 2013

Lego Land on Water

Summary: Correlation between my state of mind before bed and subsequent dream; lego houses and boat on lego platforms floating on sea of water; perspective shifts between in-game avatar and larger self; protection from lurking evil presence; collecting treasures and assembling a garden as a side quest, how these motivations help me resist fear; further meaning of recurring water theme and ignored lifelong fear.

 Again, how is it I dreamed of this when I was reading a scary book about a family's experience as abductees? I must be seriously crazy to not be affected by that. Muahaha! Honestly though, as scary as it is, I believe my excited curiosity keeps me out of that category as abductee (of that nature anyway), or at least keeps me blissfully unaware. No I would not be surprised if I have implants, if I have been visited all throughout my childhood. In fact, I have a distinct memory when I was maybe five years old of waking up as a bright light was leaving outside my window. I had just had a dream that felt like my soul fully merged with my body and it was a bright white space or large room with a waterfall and clear pool. No greenery. A boy and a girl both in white. One on a step closer to the waterfall, the other looking at them on the step like they are the one leaving. I can't remember what was said if anything. They just look at one another knowingly. This may have been where my higher self separated. The boy had light brown hair and the girl had sandy blonde hair.

Anyway, here's last night's dream.

Night of June 24th/25th 2013

Lego world, everything is made of legos. Setting is out at sea or after a Noah's type flooding, feels like a large tank that I don't bother to notice the walls of. A few structures are floating like little islands that I swim or boat to back and forth exploring. At an empty house, I collect all single pegs (like in Lego video games you collect singles like money), finding them hidden and out in the open scattered around. Each find is exciting, something I might be able to use later [exactly why I read a scary abduction story and power through my anxiety as I read, its information I might be able to use later].

I collect the two part pieces of flowers and assemble a garden of the same looking plant (because they're mass produced legos) but with a couple different colors:  red and purple. I connect the pieces and set them in the center of four raised bumps (like on a lego platform). How funny to be zoomed in and engaged in a lego world, connect giant sized legos that feel appropriate for my hands. Each flower piece is the size of my head. I know I am zoomed in, that my avatar body is a smaller version of my larger self, but I still see through my avatar's eyes. I believe there might be a reward or clue that will help me understand what happened and what to do to progress further if I complete the garden.

I feel a presence in the area, that their is a haunting, but I keep looting and searching anyway, trusting my attention to the 'game' will keep me safe. It won't get me if I don't give in by acknowledging or fearing that it can appear anywhere. I feel like there were others and no one else would face the risk of coming to this house because of the haunting. But whatever presence it was never showed, though I knew it lingered around faintly, in a dissipated state. Any fear I indulged would help it coalesce.

There is another building and a boat nearby. Didn't I come from there? Do I hear people over there?

When I find something, I sometimes pick it up like a point and click mouse game with my larger self looking in at the game, instead of with my little avatar. I zoom back and forth between the two to use whichever self is easier to get at certain items or see around certain angles. I'm looking in at the floating lego house like it is missing a wall and roof.

I find a stack of flags.The flags show progressive images and words that would bring attention to my situation, being stranded and letting others know someone is alive in the area. But I wonder to myself "Do I really feel like I am stranded? This is kind of fun. Should I put these flags up?" Maybe as a precaution. But it didn't feel very pressing because I was making do just fine, I didn't feel I needed help. Were the singles meant as posts to hold the flags up along the edge of the house platform? This little logic puzzle distracted me and was what ended my dream, so I awoke still thinking about this: how to prop the flags.

What a silly little dream.

How am I able to accept the possibilities that traumatize others? I entertain the idea that I would be able to dissociate on command if say I were to wake up and be carried off by little greys. The curious, investigative part of myself would take over and observe so I could come out of it with some benefit, a more detailed understanding of what's going on by first hand account that I could report about and help others looking for answers from their same traumatic experiences, answers to questions. Likely I would still be scared, but hopefully I would realize I have another option other than dealing in agony with the uncertainty and potential of pain. There is a greater opportunity even in that dark situation. Perhaps this is what protects me. I would be no fun for them. The only abduction experience I had was during a time when I was overwhelmed with anxiety and felt out of control to begin with, BEFORE the incident. Even then, I didn't see Greys, I saw who I believe to be an Arcturian and Pleidian on the first ship, and an unknown fat, tanish creature on the second.

This is a great opportunity to delve deeper into what water might also mean for me. In most of my dreams where there is a large body of water, I am on top or at surface level. Never am I under the water. Only once can I recall and it was purposeful, I laid down in a stream with a third of my body lengthwise sticking out, to rest and regroup myself so I could have better control in the dream. However, the dream was still darker than usual, finding myself in a haunted house again, using an electronic pad that also became possessed. So I've wondered if laying in the water was not a good thing.

In my platform dreams, I am at surface level or above on platforms. This is very common. In one dream by the ocean, I was atop a hill, another I hopped through a mangrove swamp after a flooding. People were trying to salvage any usuable or treasured items from the debris washed ashore. There was a long monster, or malevolent presence swimming through the mangrove trees. The ocean or lake in the distance is a theme. Why am I never under water? I need to explore more images of under water exploration, and I firmly believe this will provide strong content for my dreams, since it is a topic of greatest occurrence (water is my number one theme).

The deep ocean or depths of a lake do remain one of my strongest fears related to the unknown. I really should go scuba diving. I love to swim, but not being able to see what's below me, like in a pool, makes me uneasy. Trouble is, I know there is so much to discover under the water, but it feels more spooky to me when ancient things are sunk.

I fought a zombie in a waterfall pool, using the water to slow it down and for hiding. This was a great example of how deep water can work toward my advantage; an example where deep water isn't scary. But I was still wading through it and touched ground the whole time.

How exciting, and terrifying. What will open up for me once I conquer (shift how I view) my fear of deep water (not related to an inability to swim; in fact I am a great swimmer and can handle myself well swimming a distance in a lake or deep river, but never the ocean). The ocean does scare me, though I know some of the greatest discoveries to be made are in the depths of the ocean.

I can go through a self-guided series of systematic desensitization techniques to acquaint myself with deep underwater swimming. Fear of deep, dark, seemingly bottemless water. The catastrophe aspect of my fear is that a large creature will come up to me and pull me under or eat me. I also worry about simple fish nibbling at me, even if they realize I am not edible and become scared and swim away. I was always scared of piranhas as a child, and the amazon river, home of piranhas, was the focal point of that aspect of my fear. I worry about getting tangled in underwater plants or just feeling them because its unfamiliar and slimy. I should dissect and get acquainted with the feel of seaweed more.

First step for me is to watch videos of these things: scuba diving, dissecting water plants, putting on a wet suit (so I feel I have more protection from at least small brushes, nibbles, and textures). For such a seemingly fearless person as I am, this all sounds so bizarre for me. Why haven't I dealt with this sooner? I'm always quick to identify where psychologically I am lacking. And the nudge was in my dreams all along. I actually appreciate that my dreams tried not to force the issue of portraying me under water, though when I was pregnant, those fears were strongly portrayed as my baby falling into a lake and not being able to find him. I need to make a friend of an underwater creature so I have a psychological source of protection I believe in. Maybe that's why I have been channeling seals?

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