Discovering My Missions

Summary: Three dream sequences interrelated to defining roles I falsely believe will provide me satisfaction, while helping me envision a setup that captures the truer essence of my joy and purpose; how my desire to belong is misunderstood and hinders my ability to carry out my soul missions; highlighting one's strengths in a creative and fun way with a Character Sheet. 

I've needed a way to define what my missions are in life at this time, and what I'm wanting since I've been dreaming a couple nights lately of just the type of setup that would make me rather happy. Those two dreams featured me as a member of a group, led by someone I respect and seek the approval of. We are a community team of maybe five people handling strange jobs, though I don't understand the purpose. I just know I thoroughly enjoyed the tasks and the community was minimalistic. The sheriff at the police station, a good friend of our leader's, entrusted us to locate three missing white llamas that were reported escaped. These were special gifts for an exchange to take place as a sign of good faith with another community. They meant peace for our town. I drove around determined to find them. We searched through the dirt roads and streets overrun with grasses so that only the tire tracks marked the paths. I found one, Martin, and loaded him into the backseat, where he lay down. Another I sensed was being unrightfully claimed by a patron when it wandered into his yard. These llama were valuable, a prize to catch for a lowly farmer. One another was already caught by one of our teammates. I heard (information download style because it was not by radio) that this last one was being claimed and I felt comfortable to negotiate with the farmer with honesty of the situation, trusting he would relinquish claim for the good of his community. I was disappointed these other two were found before me, as I wanted to earn our leader's praise for catching them all. Still, I was satisfied to find the one right off and help negotiate for the third.

Another Theme Completed

Summary:  Stubborn math test finally completed and stress overcome for a satisfying completion of this lesson's term in spirit school; An old relationship with a young dead man returns;  Field trip to distant island and ruins; Circular artifact with pictographs improperly decoded; The failing of modern ability to translate ancient picture messages.

A common theme I've wrestled with decoding the meaning of and finding completion of (how I get recurring dreams to cease), is the school based dreams where I am going to be taking the final or some test and forgot to study or refresh material I've studied earlier in my education. Often I had fallen behind on my math homework or made a silly mistake on a test that would sabotage the whole grade. I become overly stressed. To be clear, I am not in school, I have not taken math in a few years; I perceive this as a metaphor not derived from immediate content of my life in such a direct ratio, rather it is conveying the idea that I am forgetting to do something I already knew the math principles at some time before. 

Sometimes this same message is portrayed as forgetting to have practiced my lines before a play and the build up of stress as my part approaches.

Well, whatever I did yesterday, my soul approved of.

Why are we being Harrassed by Unknown Visitors?

The contact whose case study I posted about in the Red Grid Marks Phenomenon, "Michael", the alias I've assigned him, continues to have levitation and probing experiences at night by a visiting presence. We chat via email or Skype semi-regularly to check in on any progress he's made at changing the dynamics of these experiences that illicit dread and terror in his consciousness. (To read about Michael's case study, see the links for Case Study #1 listed on the Investigations page under the 'Red Grid Marks' heading.)

Discussing with someone the reality of these night-time experiences and the accompanying feelings he unwittingly hides from his everyday relationships has seen minor progress in the level of control he has during the events. Most importantly, he has found a voice to be able to question and speak to his offenders. Our goal together is to determine why it is happening to him, given that this might also provide clues as to the grid marks that appeared on us both, as well as enhance his ability to affect in the unconscious state:  comparable to having direct affect in the content or direction of ones dreams, though his experiences are "half awake, half asleep".

Virtual Reality's Impact

Do our actions in virtual reality, in playing pretend, have impact on our lives? When we shoot a person in an FPS, what is reinforced in the mind by that action? Despite paranoid assumption, studies are disproving the inclination of kids and teens to lean toward violence by playing violent video games. They may be offering an outlet for natural aggression. Anger, usually perceived as a negative emotion, has a place like any other, and has incredible power for change when directed properly. Wrestling for fun is an aggressive sport. It provides a means of releasing that energy in a somewhat controlled and productive manner. Is it instigating violence? These aggressive sports are a mode of learning. Coaches and parents can use these activities as the medium through which other valuable lessons are learned. Athletes can be the most disciplined, generous, quick to act and help, motivated individuals around with a deep sense of morality, if guided to be so.

Race for Freedom

Swore I had a flying car racing dream a few nights ago, but it didn't stick very well. Last night, I had a clearer running racing dream. That alone is interesting. It suggests a message will be repeated in a different context if the previous one did not encode well enough for me to grasp it. I am currently in the process of data analysis now that I have nearly 200 dreams recorded over the last 9 months. I averaged a recording every other day. Many are still not posted here on this blog, but I have them compiled in detail in spiral notebooks. The hope is that I can begin to put together an idea of what is going on, what is so important to be sending me series of thematic dreams, as many as five in one night. Is there a linear pattern? Do they tell a story? Up to this point I have believed they have been responding to my daily life, irrelevant for the most part to one another. But after summarizing a months worth of dreams, there may be a progression. I will update my results here in semi-real time, for free to readers. If it all turns out to be significant, as I suspect it will be, this will all be the subject matter for my second book after the one I am trying to wrap up on imagined beings.

Night of July 24th/25th 2013

Facing the Fear of Rejection

Series of recreations with people from my life. These were not memories, and actually now that I think about it, my dreams are rarely ever replaying memories, they are usually recreations and slight alterations added. Otherwise, my dreams are purely new stories using some elements of my life experiences, sometimes not.

Call and Response

Summary: Dream answers two clearly stated questions and adds the next step of training on a deeper one I always ask; Medical dreaming works only with request from person in question; wrestling with my polyamorous nature; being misunderstood while fighting for greater mission; bringing two sides together in harmony rather than ignoring one and leaving their sounds to overlap in cacophony (polyamory); rainbow pixels implant in crowd to generate holographic interfacing capability; crowd is granted the fan desired version of Lost' series finale (mysteries revealed and connections linked up).

Thunderbird

Summary: Original encounter with a reptile-bird "Thunderbird" creature fossilized in magma; unknown transport craft that adjusts in size and makeup to accommodate needs; clear visual of map traveling to caldera in desert location; telepathic call for help and awareness from creature.

Ready, Aim, Imagine

Summary: Effect of the zero point energy field on guns; how belief governs whether outside force has affect and how this relates to being shot at or shooting another in the higher dimension where dream experience resides; reference about an underground movement; questions about the nature of the soul.

Night of March 26/27^th 2013

Stream of Ponderings

Returning to previously mentioned topics of the communication device dropped in my hands by the UFO in a dream; suspicion of the push for gun control to have been staged in lieu of a welcoming interference by the Ashtar forces to establish a field around Earth preventing weapons fire - bringing into question for me the limit to the sacrifices to creating peace; empathy as the nature of my dreaming; and water, according to the Mormon writings of Nephi, represents God's love and what that means for my predisposition to dreaming of water.

To Be A Pet

Night of March 11/12th 2013

Dream: Held against my will by two people I used to know who both loved me then blamed me for problems in their lives which they denied responsibility for. I was the catalyst I suppose. One was in his relationship. He desired me, it hurt his relationship, I was blamed. The other was a good friend who got into drugs and one-night stands to feel loved and desired. Many a times she drank and then cut herself. It was a manipulative friendship.

They were keeping me in their home to watch TV with them. I was like a pet. I would try to escape and they would fetch me and bring me back. They kept me in the car. I was quiet. I didn't protest with words. I protested with my constant attempt and obvious focus on wanting to escape. I was their prisoner, but I did have fondness for them. I just didn't want to be there all the time. I wanted to go home finally. My visit was done and they were keeping me longer than I cared to. They would leave, and I would plan an escape.

Truths always become apparent when I write and contemplate my dreams out like this. I was looking through the eyes of an animal but with connotation to myself as a pet for a lonely force (MADNESS!! No, just kidding). Always layers. First, are those two still mistreating their dogs? Her love and compassion was built out of lonliness. It was selfish love and it shown how she neglected them. No walks, missed meals (I remember I was hungry, wondering if they would ask if I wanted food the next time they came home), feces littering the backyard. They left a side door unlocked. I thought to myself "Do they realize I'm just going to walk right out of that door? Do you not understand I just want to escape?" I got up and went out it immediately. I walked around the side of the house. There is snow everywhere. Perspective shift to them who arrived back at the house to find I had left. She tells the guy (sort of her puppet, she orders him around a lot, but they are friends) to go retrieve me. Grunting in annoyance, he runs out and gets me in no time, carrying me back.

I had stepped in poop that was scattered everywhere on the snow of her back lawn. She literally would just toss the poop out, and when it filled up one side, she'd toss it out to a different side of the house. But he was bringing me back in with poop all over my feet. I was trying to explain that I had stepped in some and needed it cleaned off and didn't want to track it in. They weren't listening. I wouldn't sit on the couch with them because of my feet. They asked and I explained. Better clean her off. 

I explain later that I have to go potty (or some reason that warranted them letting me outside). They were hesitant. I said I wouldn't run away. She told him to take me out but to go with me to monitor.

There were two layers of house, like a house was built inside an older one that was growing so dirty because it wasn't maintained. Instead of cleaning, she built a smaller house inside the old one and got a new large TV to replace the other one of the exact model that still functioned in the old house. There was a section of 4 ft of space between the outer walls of the new house and the outer walls of the entire/old house (this is where I noticed rather than clean what she had, she made a new one inside the old).

Outside was night now. There is a strange unfolding of white bricks up in the sky. They unfold to make a billboard sign. I hoped it was a sign that I was being saved. The guy was watching me with admiration. He admired how captivated and curious I was with the mysteries of the stars. I told him to be careful that his infatuation go him in trouble with his girlfriend. The billboard was only an advertisement. I hoped it was an alien UFO coming to show him the power of my allies. Disappointing. I observed the area around their property more. Hill tapers off down into blackberry bushes or overgrown vines. There were other properties with residents down the row and on the other side of this creek where the bushes grew from in the small valley of these little hills. Each backyard and house were different. Not cookie cutter suburbs. Snow covered ground.

Second, who or what is/are treating me like this? Am I letting them? Is it this way for all of humanity? Are we someone's pets? Humans keeping other humans domesticated. I wanted to roam free to my home and others' homes, not confined to one place. In my waking life, I was at my element being on the move. Staying with different relatives or at campgrounds with family. My house is wonderful, and I do love it. But I want the challenge and adventure too of experiences I am denying myself by staying in one place without variance.

Well, with Nesara law is the shift away from money and the subsequent dispersion of new technologies, perhaps the goal of gaining new experiences will no longer be held back by financial ability. Should the opportunity to explore all parts of this amazing Earth and meet people be foremost on the greater picture? Absorbing new experiences is a major purpose for living. Our souls were set out to experience as much as we can.

Interesting concept proposed by founder of new site called Earthcollective.org. You earn credits to ask for others to pray on your behalf by praying and contributing to others. My dream about living on the mothership colonies where we pay for everything in credits earned by doing jobs based on our passions/interests/skills within the intergalactic society. Much better form of currency, I think. But also helps to have an omniscient force that can fairly distribute such funds to those deserving of having demonstrated quality of intent and effort, even if not significant enough to affect the outcome for the task being focused on. Or at least telepathic knowing if someone truly cared, and can sense the amount of thought and love they contributed.

Side note: About the Bird woman of possible nordic relation; she may be a close ancestor. Studying my face structure in the mirror let me finally look past my face as just being me and saw that I also have that peaked nose and elongated chin. Am I descendent of this bird/nordic people? I was blonde as a child. My child is blonde, although I am brown haired and my partner is dark brown/almost black haired. Is this his heritage? And the amphibious alien was similar to one of the zeta reticuli species (see serpo.org , and Earthfiles.com). I didn't mention previously, but I swear it had only four fingers on each hand. I hesitated because I was confused what the connotations were between the four fingered ones and the six fingered ones.

Layers

Night of March 7/8th 2013

Two dreams this night, both on vaguely similar ideas, of which I must write to reveal the connection. The first about participating in a series of obstacles or challenges with groups of peers. One was hiking through a descending forest, crossing a creek to a broken down cabin entrance. On the mountain face where we started from, which I could see now being out of the dense forest and now by this old building was like a V for Vendetta mask. It felt creepy, eerie, trickster, sadistic. Why were we beginning there?

Faith, Trust, and Love

Night of Feb 1st/2nd 2013

In prelude, I asked whilst in meditative thought before bed, prompted by a recent message through medium and writer Elizabeth Trutwin (see http://garuda.co for links to her other sites as well) if what those in the Galactic Federation belief system (I call it thus simply for those who do not know of it yet and I do not for certain of its existence, although my personal evidences so far suggest it does) call Twin Flames are responsible for helping guide us in dreams. Is my TF the experiences I am perceiving in my dreams, the other half of myself that is placed in particular experiences on the ships to supplement my physical existence? Dreams are very often determined by what we are struggling with, they can answer pure thought questions when it will benefit our ascension and return to a complete merging to true selves with our TFs. Theories I've had in the past weren't supported, such as: is the consciousness transferred to a clone body somewhere else where it is programmed for specific tasks; which started with the wonder if our bodies are literally abducted and programmed, then returned. Drugs and manipulation would have to be involved. But there was never even a trace memory of being physically taken, and my family never noticed my absence. I could jolt back to my body sometimes. There just wasn't any evidence or feeling of truth to this hypothesis. It had to have a more esoteric component. Then it was deciphering whether humans are being used at this time when they are most vulnerable, or if the imposition of dreams had a more benevolent agenda. I increasingly suspect that ideas we would call inspiration are implanted or observed through our TFs, especially if we prompt them to scope out an answer by devoting intense thought to a problem we want solved. Consider how often mathematicians, scientists, artists, writers, sculptors, inventors, philosophers throughout time discovered their answer in a dream after rigorous contemplation during their waking state.

What does this all mean? That truth is not as far away as we expect. We need only calm our minds and wait for an answer that will honestly appear in our consciousness'. I analyze questions and problems to death, knowing that I need only close my eyes and let the truth come in. But out of mistrust of my own filters, I must sift through all those "knowings" anyway. In time, if the 'truth' that came to me holds up, if it increasingly feels right, then I learn to trust it to be truth. With concepts like dreaming, and the existence of influential telepathic beings of energy that communicate with us constantly and can see and hear us constantly -  invisible things difficult to prove - it partially comes down to faith. Faith is always what it keeps coming back to. That thing we struggle with that is a choice and holds the key to our freedom.

I have been researching and writing a book on imagination. As I've been doing this dream tracking and exploration, I realized just how intimately intertwined faith and imagination is. By imagining that which we want and need and working to bring those imaginings into the physical world, we thus prove for ourselves that we have control in shaping our world. Confidence, self-esteem, faith can all be summoned and learned and you can control how they manifest for you. We each have unique sets of problems and issues absorbed into us by this physical world and the illusion that things happen to us without acknowledgment of how we are allowing it to affect us that makes its effect. When we realize everything perceived as negative is ultimately an incomplete picture because duality is the separation of things that should be unified, then we begin to change the filters by which we let things shape us. If we resonate of love, trust, and faith, then we are impenetrable.

Dream: Ascending rows (4-6; very long) of seats like a stadium along the shore of a lake. A hundred students, myself included, sitting among them talking and facing the lake. Two by two, in sequence, we take our turns treading around in a general area of the water. Sun is setting. I feel increasingly anxious not about treading in the water or about being observed, but because I anticipate the water to be cold by the time its my turn. I am still affected by the rules of time and predictability of the illusion in this physical world. In the dream I could have trusted the water to be warm, that I would not be made to take my turn in pain. I thought "Hurry up hurry up, I want to get my turn in before the sun goes down." Based on how my other dreams have worked, all I needed to do was think the water to be warm and then I would be pleased, if not surprised, that it is when I get into it. Instead, the selection order hopped around me, purposefully delaying my turn. The sun tipped down over the horizon. The sequence was continuing. They were trying to tell me that my anxiety would be pointless if I just conveyed in faith what I needed.

As to why we were tasked to take turns in pairs swimming in the same area of the water, I had the sense we were keeping something open, perhaps an underwater portal. Are portals made out of thought energy? I've wondered this before because such a beautiful flux of colors seemed only possible as a creation of the purest of imagining. I'm sure there is a technological component as well, but what if the energy to ignite it is pure thought energy? There are ancient star gates all around the world on the surface made of stone. Do these still work? The crop circle phenomenon emphasizes the sacredness of geometry, especially the circle. Precise geometric shapes created in natural stone, what a beautiful representation of what I would call natural technology designed in cooperation with the Earth and natural intelligent laws. Pyramids, star gates, obelisks. These are the base technologies of the Galactics for communication, transportation or amplification to and with the higher dimensional beings of our Watchers/Galactic Relatives. Could be as simple as a raised hill or mountain to amplify the signal of your thoughts. Better the view, higher the price of real estate. Another control mechanism of the masses.

Next sequence: In a classroom, atmosphere is tinted a pale blue, like a projector's light is the only source of light in the room. Wide lecture hall style to sit a hundred students. Not full. Maybe twenty or thirty of us scattered around, mainly down the center aisle. I start in back and find my way up front later on after an activity. A couple students are leading with the help of a couple others to help illustrate the lesson. She is demonstrating why people cheat and veer away from their partners. It was a meaningful, silent, way of convincing the class of the weakness of these people who stray. She had a very simplistic view on the issue but was conveying it with such power by using this demonstration that it would convince anyone that her approach is the truth. I interrupt, knowing her approach is convincing but fails to address the complexities of the issue and feel compassion for the other persons involved. "This is an incomplete view on this matter. People who stray aren't always just going selfishly for someone younger, acting on their physical impulse to be with a young beauty (she was focusing on males, so I tried to vouch for the males). Yes maybe some do (I emphasized there are some that do, but that there is a more important reason not being addressed), but most people veer because the relationship they are in is dysfunctional, they are not connecting with their partner, and in many cases never did truly have an intimacy with their partner. So the drift away from feeling they know and connect with their partner only compounded. They rarely have intention to hurt their partner, usually they do their affairs in secret because they don't want to hurt their partner, but the truth of the matter is that they are both miserable and keeping themselves chained to relationship that does not benefit either person. In the minds of those who instinctively search elsewhere for a better candidate, they have already begun to let go of the stagnation with their current partner. Emotionally they were always detached, regardless what they were declared as in social or legal ways."
Someone in back asked I would know this.
"I am writing a book on imaginary companionship where I have been analyzing what drives our behaviors in relationships of all kinds. The very inclination to be searching for a replacement, someone you can be fulfilled with divulges the truth that there are needs not being met both ways that, in many cases, have been repressed."
I felt like an authority on the subject. My explanation was of course just the tip of the iceberg of the full picture, but it was a start in bringing up how oversimplified and judgmental the leading student's message was.

Next sequence: Elevator in a tall building of apartments. Clean and beautiful. Meet a lady whom I walk to her place. She invites me in. I find she actually has like six children and am amazed at how composed she is. It a large family, with an uncle ... [My dream memories are mixing up with images I've seen in real life on television or music or online media. Trouble sometimes to decipher whether an image was something I saw in a dream or in media.] They were very busy. I explained to an adult male (the dad?) that we met coming up the elevator and I sort of invited myself in to meet everyone. I mentioned I have a son and am shocked they decided to have so many children. She was certainly a busy personality, but was filled with love and tolerance.

I realized they lived right next to my apartment and invited them over whenever they wanted to return the favor for letting me meet their family. I walk through a side door connecting their apartment to mine, like a hotel might have joining rooms. I shed my coat and scarf, keys and purse and called for Jim. There is two burgers on a pan on the stove steaming. My first impression is that he left these cooking. He called to me assuring me he knows they're there and that he was making one for me. I felt embarrassed I had doubted him. He comes into the living room and sits. He wants to watch the Superbowl. I was going to tell him what happened with the lady I met that lives next door with her many kids.

I think I get it. Faith, trust, love for Jim, those closest to me who are always there for me, as much as I am inclined to feel for general people and invisible divinities. I will have a great opportunity to do this when I go live with my parents for a month to work on my book.

Night of Jan. 26/27th 2013

So many dreams! Argh. Complex messages.

Dream: First sequence - Driving around with Chris, Shantey, and Otus (children I grew up that were friends of my family whom I am still close with today; like adopted brothers and sisters in many respects) with intent to pick up items our communal family of relatives needed back at the house, a house I have never been to nor know where it is, but we did ride on bus or tram at some point getting back. Momentarily afraid Otus would be left behind, tried to delay the bus so he could catch up. He did. Maneuvered through a neighborhood back to our house. I went to their upstairs neighbor who was watching my son, I think. I was adament I would bring them some homemade peanut butter oatmeal/cereal bars [I have never made this, but could easily do so and have the ingredients in my home to, sounded like a good snack actually to make for later (in real world)] to thank them and as a gesture of friendliness. They started saying they were going to sue my parents because of the disarray they allow their house to be in and for the amount of activity there because they had so many people living in one place. How unappreciative, I thought. "What does that have to do with you? They're not hurting you with the status of their home." "It's hazardous to their kids." They were sounding like they just wanted someone to hate and criticize and my family was an easy target. Their own place was not a beautiful display of homely decor, but it was slightly more kept (floor was less messy and things were piled off the floor which made them more tidy somehow). Not wanting to burn bridges, but wanting to protect my family, I said in a very direct tone "You know you have not case. You could call the authorities to complain and what would you say? They live above you so..." I was implying 'there is no way you could complain about them being noisy from so many people moving around.' "If you have a problem, go tell my parents, don't threaten them through me. Work it out with them." I encouraged them to just accept our offer of friendship and not be so unnecessarily passive aggressive. "I'll be back to bring you those bars. I will, you'll like them." And we left.

Next sequence: At old apartments outside. An event is winding down. Egg hunt like for American Easter holiday using plastic eggs with little crap toys and candies. Sifting through the piles of 'left over' or abandoned eggs, most of which were already opened. I was searching for useful items like I was a child given cheap school supplies that made me feel like a big kid. A friend my age, but less considerate and compassionate of others than I felt to be, was gossiping to me and another gal about this girl from our old high school who was coming home to her apartment about 50 feet away. I chimed in to correct their attitudes "Hey, no. She is pregnant, have some sympathy." I had imparted feelings of understanding to them while criticizing them for their unfair and snap judgments of her She looked fatigued, and her belly, I thought, was an obvious give away of her state of mind, which the girls with me were misinterpretting as her being stuck up. She didn't think she was more mature, even though she was, she was just exhausted from working and because of issues with father. They ceased their verbal assault.

Two older figures were starting to clean up all the eggs we were sifting through. I panicked, "Can we keep looking through them, we are having fun and no one else is going to use them!" They explained we would have to talk to the person who coordinated the event, who was my old 6th grade teacher (I was very close with and was a force of change and guidance in my life; she appeared in the dream where I was supposed to survive in competition with two other students from Dec. 18/19th 2012 - which I have not typed up on this blog yet). She was sitting nearby sorting through some things. I ran to her and plead my case. She accepted and allowed us to keep going.

Third Sequence: Group of old and new friends arrive at an crammed motel for the night. It is small inside. Is this the lobby? I ask one of our leaders later on. Where are the rooms? One is above us. The door is a story up but there are no stairs to it. Think of a high ceiling where the main room ... wow this is tough to explain. There are two floors in a way, because one of the guest rooms is at the height of a second floor but there is no floor connected to that doorway. How do we get up to the door? Felt like a Zelda game puzzle. The main floor of the lobby was actually an elevator that rose up to allow access to the next floor of doors. I only focused on one door though that I called to be my room. As the floor started to rise, I worried one of my friends left on the bottom would be caught between a portion of the ceiling that was lower because it held up a room from the next floor, and this rising platform, but she was okay. I went in the second story door and wondered how to send the platform back. It automatically went back. We were all talking to each other, explaining what was happening and voicing our questions aloud. "Here its coming back down. Get on this time." I called to my friend Chelsea. My dad entered from the main door. "I'm calling this room. I'm tired. The center floor is the elevator." Then I move in to explore my room.

Large space, big bed, too much for just me. Kate enters in from a side door. How'd she get up here? "There are stairs by the entrance." "Oh." She is ready to clean up and relax as well. What have we all been doing that would make us all so tired and want to clean ourselves. Feel like we have been traveling and training. I'm awkward. Does she want to share this room with me? Is that going to be weird because I have romantic feelings for her? A male leader, Angel character from Joss Whedon's show enters from the bathroom. Now how did he already get up here? Another secret entrance I wasn't aware of? Were we all going to share this room? Maybe it is the only room. Or he came from another room down that hallway where the bathroom is in between the two rooms. Yes that explains the layout I saw clues about but didn't put it together in the dream. Then another male leader... I know him. I know him intimately. I have seen him before many times. I know his name. But I can't remember it. He is blonde. [Not generally attracted to blonde guys but I guess I am to this guy.] His hair has grown so it has been awhile since I've seen him. Everyone is chatting as they move about to get settled in. I make a not so subtle joke that he can stay in my room, that I'll have him. He didn't seem to hear me and is chatting with Angel. I am wildly attracted to this blonde guy, and have been secretly for some time. Now who the f-ck is he? I don't even know if there was a name, rather an feeling of familiar presence like a fingerprint that was recognizable as being only him.

We haven't stayed long, but we already feel like we are preparing for our next mission. I feel strong need to make peanut butter oatmeal/cereal bars as part of this mission. Am I making the peace offering or distraction? Am I the distraction? I infiltrate through intimate means. Is the inclusion of an agent with demon background, like Angel would be representing, by design in constructing our teams?

Analysis: ... I got nothing... seems to be a complex mission dream, which I haven't had in many weeks. Never been so specific about who my other team mates are. Usually I was always in a two-three person team, now it has been in a group of five or more. Am I starting to work better in a group setting? I still felt introverted socially, but when exploring and interacting with outside sources beyond our group, I did play my part well and felt like a leader of sorts, maybe more of a scout or navigator. Still unclear. Maybe my role changes from team to team or situation to situation. Makes sense that we would be flexible. What's our mission for this team?

First and second sequences I confidently confronted an issue with a clear belief of fairness, until the third scene where I wasn't confident confronting issues around my feelings for romantic interests openly. I can confront strangers, mentors, authority, friends, neighbors, but not romantic interests. I finally brought up my polyamorous compromise to a situation that I have been faced with for years

Night of Jan 10/11th 2013

Dream: 

Analysis: Helping me sort of the details of the message I bring with a caution. It might too easily lead to doing sexual acts for someone you do love and care for but do not wish to be that physically intimate with. There is a level of self gratification in it, of course there has to be. I must feel desire for them as much as they do, but with the edge that I am helping them out. Is it possible to be available for multiple partners in the paradise-like existence my dreams help me envision? Another point of clarification, that I must be careful who asks for help that they do not have other attachments that they may be involved in that are hurt by their seeking out someone else (me) for fulfillment of what they need where their partner failed. Also that I am not involving myself with old partners of friends and thus showing them up in a way.

Okay, so what does this code say about being with someone who does not have an attachment to any ... really what I am talking about is Polyandry. A rare and prohibited form of polygamy in most religions and countries. I mean the marital-like partnering (meaning not just sexual relations, but more committed and exclusive to only the two or more declared) of one female to two or more males. In my case, just the two. Of those cases that do exist are fraternal, in which the husbands belong to the same family and are brothers sharing the same wife. Not really what I have in mind.

Night of Jan 7/8th 2013

Although I ask particular questions which, regardless of the time of day I ask, bring forth answers in my dreams, what is also strongly on my mind before sleep is slipping into the messages. Hence my confusion with my message of touch as it was meant to be an expression of love and appreciation and graciousness, and has been convoluted to be synonymous with the raw act of sex without those higher feelings and selfish desire, rather than an extension of what is felt in spirit. Touch has always been misunderstood as a bad thing. It is revealing, yes, it is vulnerable, yes. But man has made it wrong. Molestation, rape, sodomy, perversion, has pulled us in on ourselves, hiding ourselves. This is an act of submission. We are submitting to what we allow to be the reality that these things affect how we express ourselves to one another, how we dress and hide our vessels, how we look on one another. The greatest deception I see is the oppression of the body, our vessels, we inflict on ourselves on others.

This is a point of contention for me even still. I strongly believe in this message which I have arrived at through my dreaming, but cannot seem to reconcile with my own intimate needs. Should there be a distinction as any moral person would tell me. The distinction I trust to be in intent. If I am serving good, if I can openly help someone, a person I already love, who is suffering and I have something that could help them, and I trust my fulfillment of intent to help them, is such a thing wrong? I wonder if Mary Magdalene ever found it pleasing to serve her Lord by caring for his physical needs of intimacy. What if there is two or more people you love with just as much ease as to provide that service if it means rising them up to a status of loving and graciousness, and gives them a taste of the compassion and beauty that awaits us. Is that kind of sex or intimate acts a wrong thing? I repeatedly wonder if there is such a companionship, even if for a day, I could offer a second someone whom I love, but maintaining an intent to heal and selflessness. This is what women can do. We are not all selfish, desire driven creatures. I can be, but I can also turn it off and choose which personality will drive my actions in any given moment. I would have to already love this person to offer such a service though, and it is that point which tells me it is not a corrupted evil.

There is a demon that tests me in my dream state. It plays on my back and forth internal debate with myself, wanting and striving to be and do goodness, where such an issue as the above lies. Is it a deception to make me commit evil or justify wrongness. Commitment to one, that proof of specialness, is important. What if a woman had to ability to remain committed in mind and spirit so much so as to perform physical sensual help to another without losing sight of that commitment? Is it detachment from the body? No. It is intent, a medicine for someone for a moment that includes the honest feelings attached to that expression of love. But in time spent, in emergency, in dedication to being with, the one committed to is absolute priority. I cannot describe this anymore than this. It does not make sense in human thinking, influenced by the laws of conduct in relationship which were and always should be the starting point for a person rising out of raw desire and physicality. How do higher beings see sex and love? The incorporation of the Ulum (machine race) in my dream that were matter of fact teaching

Dream: Two dreams, each of two sequences of images.
First, I am in a casino where the slot machines are video games that require another input of change every three minutes. I think I would get anxious with not enough time to get much done. The constant input would make me less productive. But three of four people are fixated on them, having played for hours, days maybe. I have a pad, looking down a list counting the people still stuck on these machines. All patrons/users were supposed to be coming along to something else.

Later scene, I am in back of casino. Some figure or force is threatening me or is not understanding me. In hopeless acceptance that I cannot be understood, bent over, I put a gun to my vagina and fire. The bullet explodes out my right side and I topple forward onto myself dead. A man was already dead under me whom I was enraged at the death of.

My perspective zooms out and floats into the next room into a body of myself where I am facing a galfriend (whom I've revealed my feelings toward: those of appreciation, protectiveness, and desire to feel those feelings reciprocated). I feel annoyed. "I don't care what you think, I have to go North to see him." Reference to going to see my childhood friend, which I told my partner about wanting to do yesterday. "I'm just asking that when you do, will you let me know?" Says my galfriend. "Oh, now when I am leaving you suddenly want to show feelings for me?" I say to her. I agree to let her know, just wanting to end the conversation from further hurting.

I walk into a small side room (like the office in my house) where my childhood friend is sitting playing a game. I ask him, "You want me to come see you right?" He makes a gesture of affirmation without pulling from his game. "Yes, see its fine" I wasn't expecting a big display of want to have me come up, I just wanted enough to get her off my back.

New sequence. Big campaign going on at a college level, or at least with college age people. Candidate is coordinating a rehearsal performance, the star is his girlfriend/wife. He is a sweet person, calm temperament. The girlfriend is a pudgy black young woman in an elaborate costume that sparkles, with long feathers protruding up from her hair. Walking down the steps, music cuts when her guy notices something a stage crew person is setting up wrong. The girlfriend declares she is done, her frustration having building up with having to do this performance. She had been doing so to support her guy in his run. She walks off with a sure attitude of not coming back. A couple women friends chase after her trying to convince her to return. I go after her feeling she had reason to do what she did. I catch up to her. She is already in a hot tub decompressing. I am very plain, behind the scenes compared to her. "I support your decision." She is glad someone understands. "He is a great guy ya'know..." "Yeah he is. But he was taking you to a place in his career you didn't want to be. What about your ventures? You have been so supportive of him, but there reached a point when you had to do what was best for you." She agreed and starting planning out loud what she will need to do from here. Her stuff would have to be packed and removed, she would have to look for a place to live.

...I don't want this. Why does this keep being put in my dreams?! She was already sure of her decision, I was just giving her the validation that would ease her mind. Everyone else was selfishly against her for the good of the campaign, without considering the demand it had been placing on her. ... Well in that sense I suppose I get it. What is good for me? I hate being selfish. I can't even ask for a massage or him to play with my hair (like I love), even when I really would benefit from it. If no stigma were applied, if not judgement or assumption made, I would want to see my friend once in a while for some personal time, and I would come back joyful knowing I was actively clearing up that relationship that wears on me and always will. The casino setting is a place of gambling. I would be taking a gamble. A gamble that I don't find myself wanting to stay with my friend, even though I want everything I have with my partner. 

2nd Dream: Perspective shot looking at a girl and many dark, minion figures on a sparkling white platform in the sky above the shore of an ocean. It is bouncing and turning over to force the figures that aren't supposed to be there off of the platform, but the girl, who does belong there, is also bouncing around, she is the last to fall off, unintentionally I think by whatever force was rocking the platform. I am now that woman climbing out of the water up a bank and toward a row of computers with people from my life on them. They are all playing the same game that requires learned precise sequences of typings. A twenty digit supplementary keypad, along with the main keyboard. My choir director is pacing back and forth up the rows to help students out. I am very lost, can't get past the first part because I don't understand the computer language to perform certain actions. A code has to be entered to even get to the right starting point. I missed the day we were taught that skill, they called it Shift coding, similar to HTML I suppose or key shortcuts maybe. The director lingered over my shoulder to help me more, but I still wasn't getting it. He had to move on. I asked the guy (an old friend's brother, David, who was good with computers) what to do. He helped me some. I recall the game featured a man in a long canoe, maneuvering a body of water. Then later a person in a first person perspective searching for items in a wooden, unpainted, series of rooms and halls connecting the rooms. 

Why am I always late for my classes in the dream world? I always want to explain to everyone that I am late not out of laziness but for good, important cause that they aren't supposed to know yet, even though  I am not sure myself what that reason always is.

After this, although I was the last to log out because I didn't finish like everyone else and couldn't figure out how to save, I lined up to go down some steps like an underground train system to check in at our lockers. Next we are riding on a vibrant white train. I am at a window, and can't see anything or anyone around me other than this corner because I am amazed that as we travel we are going through walls. These walls come toward us and we pass through them. Slight panic at first at expecting to hit each wall. I mean each wall passed through the train and seemed it would crash into my body but passed right through. I said this aloud, asking someone. An answer from behind giving me the knowing (without speech) that they will not crash into me and it should be evidenced by the number of ones that have already passed. The walls came every couple seconds in a regular repetitious, single beat pattern.

In a large hallway, our group's representative and a couple others want the rest of us to vote on three options with the main idea they want to do is give some kind of lizard eggs that would hatch soon to dying kids or some good cause as an uplifting gift. The image of the eggs came into my vision as white with bolts of bright yellow and lime green on the outside. They were very strange in their brightness and apparent delicateness. I was thinking why would we give these lizard eggs to kids who would not know how to care for them? Stand way up front as a vote to go ahead with the plan, stand to the side to vote for an adjustment to the plan, stand in the back to vote we do nothing. I, confusingly, stood in the center asking "Do we have to vote? Can we be neutral?" After saying that I thought that the gesture is trying to be good and so should be rewarded for that at least, so I stood up front. Our director was overseeing, letting us make the decision how we allot the funds we would raise. I believe the plan was carried through.

Analysis: Computers (at least for educational training purposes) and mass transit will still be operational is what I gathered from that last dream to answer some questions from yesterday night's dream. I do not know what more to ask on that topic. No indication of an EM pulse, but deliberateness to what machines go haywire seems apparent since computers and railway transit both run on electricity. So its not a mass electrical outage. Things are still receiving power, just behaving oddly. Interference in only some systems seems most likely. Long distance communication would be unnecessary if we could travel THROUGH light or with light as the leaps between scenes sometimes looks like: fast movement to a different place with spectrum of light and colors flowing by. Very brilliant.

Going back now, I wish to focus on the demon fighter from a few dreams ago. It is increasingly concerning to me the potential presence of a deceptive force in my dreams. On that note, I also wonder if I am being manipulated into thinking the kind of free expression of love is even possible for humankind, and whether my ease of shame in the matter of wanting to share through touch is also being manipulated. I think it is a rocky area still that is being used to target me with fear and doubt and shame. But is the kind of love I envision (even if I can't quite manifest it fully yet in my own reality, to start) really part of the divine plan? Difficult to separate all the stigma, rules, perversions it has become in the human world from what it really looks like say in the realm of good angels. What does the ideal love and expression of look like for good, divine beings? If I can get a clear answer on this, I will not doubt my inner feelings on it so much. Why do I have a feeling of expressive love that is almost explosive within me, which I withhold and only feel embodied when I am my inner self leading people in my dreams. Do angels have physical touch and sex with one another? Is sex with multiple individuals you love while claiming loyalty to one of those persons an abomination?

Where should I look for clues as to who this demon fighter is from my building/tower dream? What is that tower? Who were those humans hunting us? 

Extra: Met with my new mentor today the 8th, as our first meet since our outing at the park where I made him lunch and I discussed my unconventional ideas and what I believe is the workings of the universe toward me fulfilling my role in bringing forth the New Earth. I am deeming him my new mentor because of the happenings leading up to us deciding to meet together for Bible study and talk. He had prayed, without my awareness of this, to have someone he could share his research and faith with. He then wondered if I would be interested and where I was in my faith (this all he told me). He prayed it could be setup that he could share with me. "Then one day there you are in my back yard talking to me about your dreams." He is my neighbor, living in a studio apt attached to our house. We saw each other a lot during the summer when I would take the kid and dog in the field outside (an empty lot) to let them play. He listens, and gives credence to my experiences, my feelings, my dreams without trying to correct them to fit his sense of the Bible's teachings. My dreams and feelings and beliefs are an extension of the Bible, built in-line with what was said as an updated comprehension, one in which man was not ready for at the time of the original teachings. Just as Jesus came to redirect the Jews from their interpretation of the Mosaic teachings, so are we due for a reiteration of what was really meant.

Night of Jan 6/7th 2013

How does this answer any of the questions? There is something I am missing then?

Dream: Walking with a friend uphill in a neighborhood. Some house look a little beaten down. Grass is yellow and brown here and there, with some streaks of green. Sunny. Maybe summer? Early morning after a night partying or dancing. Her friend Melissa is the same person I knew from elementary school who passed away years ago. She is keeping her distance from me. She is angry, but whatever her issue with me is doesn't seem big enough to warrant her behavior. She won't walk by us, keeps gesturing back like she wants to be lude and is holding herself back. I am still in a calm state of mind, as I often am in my dreams, a peaceful, composed, sure of myself, compassionate, helpful attitude. Probably who my inner self truly is.

We meet someone along the way, a small man, who is also trying to get to where we are going, a building on the hill where he works. He is taken with me. I invite him to join us. The ease by which he attaches to me and wants to show affection or appreciation is endearing to me. He is not inappropriate, just wants to hold my arm as we walk and hum pleasantries, lean his head on my shoulder. My friend was hesitant to bring him along and I said "Nonsense, why not." We come to a kind of fork in the road where either way we see the beginnings a lush green field/lawn and propped crops dotting and outlining the lovely field. Which one holds the building on it's top? We can only see the bottom of either hill because maple and oak trees block our way. I just choose one. We walk toward it and start to see the buildings at its summit (not more than a few hundred feet in elevation from where we were at the base of it. I thought it wasn't the right one until our companion said "No its right. See? That tower is near where I work, and that building is my work." I have been here before. I have seen that oddly shaped tower before.

We arrive inside, go up stairs to a restaurant where all the employees are eating. My partner works here and is sitting at a booth across from where I sit with my travel companion who is still clinging to me. I explained to him as we were coming up that my partner works here so be aware of that. He didn't seem to mind. An old friend from college, a buddy of my partner, is in town visiting and we sat right next to. "Logan?! I haven't seen you in so long!" We were delightedly to see each other. I explained I was helping this guy get to work since I was coming here anyway to see Jim. Logan was not amused by the little man. Looking at his menu, he said, rather accusatory "You know her partner is sitting right there?" My smile vanished for a split second at his feeling the need to point out to him that I am in a relationship, as if I was intentionally leading him on. "I told him already. He knows." I clearly state. I was offended that he interpreted my actions and friendliness as promiscuity.

The menu was expensive. Who was paying for these meals? Their boss entered and motioned everyone back to work. I said bye. The little man between Logan and I slipped out for work. I scooted closer to Logan as they were leaving. "So how are you? Would you like to hang out and catch up? I haven't seen you in so long." He made some excuse. His attitude towards me shifted. He was cold and... well, he seemed like those influenced zombie people from an old dream. In his view, my feminine friendliness was seductive and wrong, and I was now luring him into. I tried to make other arrangements around his schedule. He did not want to see me. He excused himself. Melissa was acting the same way toward me because of my willingness to accept this little man into our entourage and let him hang over me. [Note to self: Strive to analyze these dreams with the same perspective you are shown having in them. When I awoke I feared it was trying to tell me I am still being overly sexual or attractive, a trait my dreams have cautioned and corrected me on many times. But I was simply seeing things differently. I loved the friends and new friends, male or female. It was others around me that were twisting my compassion and love into a sexual thing because of our genders. As I do my Skin Project trying to desexualize the skin and familiarize people with real examples of the human form, not just the greek gods and thin models of our visual media, I have had to remember my message will not be received well by everyone, and many people will adulterate it.]

Analysis: I believe conservativist religion will lose its place as people ascend and qualities like tolerance, expression, honesty, love, acceptance of what we are become realized. Jesus showed much affection for all his disciples. He hugged and kissed them. They even expressed jealousy for why he favored Mary Magdalene over them at times. Touch and physical expression is not immoral. It is more direct to stimulating the brain's pleasure centers than mere talk. If someone is so driven to express their love in touch, than the receive believes it to be a substantial amount of enjoyment to be in their company. Why were people unaccepting of this little man's expression of affection for me and my willingness to let him show it. I didn't want to have sex with him. It has been difficult for me to reconcile this belief and lean toward open expression because touch is too associated with sexual desire. I am extremely affectionate with my child, and with friends who are also affectionate (very few). But I never know where their line is. Is it wrong that I just want to touch people, and share in making one another feel appreciated and enjoyed? Am I muddling the issue?

As far as how this answers my previous post's questions: There were no cars that I could see. Just the fact we had to walk was interesting, made me wonder if we were drunk and decided to just walk to where we had to go. One scene earlier answered this and I can't remember.

Maybe the cause for celebration is for those of us who realize our old vehicles are no longer needed and no longer polluting. We are happier to walk, but we also have a faster way of travel? Teleportation or light speed running is what it feels like. Maybe it's not that our vehicles will become animate, but they will become temperamental, in that they won't function right, and be more dangerous to be in because of their unpredictability. That was what that scene earlier felt like. We were trying to get into a car and it was distorting or changing shape while we were in it, like it was alive. It wouldn't work though.

Twice I was traveling across the border of Idaho and Oregon when my car's electronics went haywire. I thought my car was suddenly breaking down while I was going 70 mph on the highway. I figured it would start slowing down. Just as quickly as they went haywire (all lights blinked on, dials rose to their peaks) did they all turn off, then come back on as if nothing happened. Like my car was reset. Literally. The clock started back at 12:00 default. My speed kept going. I don't even know if I lost speed. EM bursts are known to cause this kind of effect. Will there be a worldwide EM burst that makes vehicles inoperable?

Okay, keeping it simple and focused on the greater whole of people. If I am understanding this correctly, when can we expect this large scale EM pulse to happen when our magnetic grid, or whatever allows our electronics to function, goes haywire making our man-made electronic vehicles in operable? Will it happen at the same time of the severe rain storm alluded to in many of my dreams? What about older vehicles that do not run on electronics. Will they be affected too? They are the real gas guzzlers. Will this be a deliberate event or an unintentional event or a natural phenomenon? Will it be caused by the sun? Will it result from a change in our magnetic field? Will this pulse harm humans? How will communicate with distant people to check status and prevent anarchy? Will vehicles no longer work how we've known them to because of a progressive change in Earth's vibration? Machines are interesting in that they are functional, movable yet inanimate. There are no other self-automated, mobile objects in nature that match this kind of illusion of life. Can you provide me confirmation that this analysis is accurate.