Mar 8, 2013


Night of March 7/8th 2013

Two dreams this night, both on vaguely similar ideas, of which I must write to reveal the connection. The first about participating in a series of obstacles or challenges with groups of peers. One was hiking through a descending forest, crossing a creek to a broken down cabin entrance. On the mountain face where we started from, which I could see now being out of the dense forest and now by this old building was like a V for Vendetta mask. It felt creepy, eerie, trickster, sadistic. Why were we beginning there?

Hmm. I've been wondering lately if children come into this world directly from the state of pure imagination and joy. They have difficulty adjusting to this physical world because their every immediate need and wish is not manifested. They must learn to communicate with language rather than telepathy, effect what they need at great expense and effort rather than simply think it. Could it be different. Could the souls of newborns have once been from the selfish side of things? We are not only training them to function in their physical forms as parents and experienced people (including older children), but also teaching previously 'evil' souls who forgot their past existence and agendas to change? What a terrible notion. I always thought my baby had a pure link to the divine that I drew strength and wisdom from when he was still developing inside me. How could he possibly be 'evil'? We would say he's just inexperienced. But I am analyzing the default behaviors of babies and children before they conform to expectations and conditioning.

Maybe its a recycling effect. A soul is being given another shot to evolve and ascend by being reborn from a previous life.

Back to the dream, it feels like I'm trying to race the team that dragged behind. My group, whom I was separated from and met back up with at this old building, entered this building. Cobwebs, made of wood, multiple levels and rooms. A vertical labrynth of tight rooms and ladders leading mainly down into the ground. I feel hesitation, fear. Place feels ancient, haunted. The maze concerns me, causes a sense of claustrophobia. We are driven by what? What is our purpose in searching through this maze? We are trying to find a prize?

Our team splits up as more and more rooms and directions make it difficult to cover enough ground. We are in twos. I am with a woman by default. I am glad to have someone with me. I did not want to search alone again like I ended up doing in the forest. Two old friends from elementary and high school went down one ladder. I fretted it would drive them deeper into the maze until they couldn't find their way back out. I worried whether to go after them, but they were already turns ahead of us; we would just get lost ourselves trying to follow them. Which way to go? Stay put or try a way? I worried.

I receive a call from my old friend Chris who is still behind just now emerging from the forest on the location but has to figure a way across the river. I explain there is a rock bridge further down (too precisely aligned to be natural, looked more like a damn or fish ladder). I asked if he'd eaten. I told him to use my card to get food (where? I don't understand). He said he's survive. I scolded him saying he needed to eat, I would share mine with him if he was low on money. I saw him needing my help but he didn't want to take it. Not pride. Didn't feel right taking food from me and my child. I though it absurd that he would starve himself when it wasn't fair that he already went without food while so many others were slow and in need of losing a few, but had sufficient lunches to eat.

Voices from below me. The two that I fretted over getting lost emerged from a different ladder. Their path looped back to where they started. My son was with them. Upon seeing me he started to cry with relief. I did as well, swooping him up into my arm from where he was still many rungs down the ladder. I thanked the two of them for making sure he followed and was cared for. The male looked offended at the comment. How dare I even suggest they wouldn't have looked out for him. I tend to offer empty thanks to be polite. Is that wrong though? Something weird. I was holding my son close, yet he was still down the ladder crying for me. As I was holding him, what seemed more a soul essence, again that glowing outline, the physical side of him was still down there wanting me to pick him up from the hole. I said he needed to wait, that I was busy comforting him already. What a bizarre paradox!

There are layers to our consciousness, to our soul. We are trying to get our upper dimensional layers of ourselves back! What else would it mean for both myself in last night's dream and then my son in this dream have an outlined essence of themselves removed from their body while they still occupy that body. Why did I not scoop him all up? I want to comfort his whole, not just one layer of him while the others continue to suffer. That joy, that power, is it one layer we are missing? Where is it?

Is that the white fibrous string that comes out of us, behind harvested for commercial use by someone? Why are they collecting it? What do they use it for?

Why are there so many scary underground labrynths in my dreams? I dread them. I know I should explore them, but I dread and fear them. Do these labrynths represent the difficult pathways about myself I dread going down and so are taking the form of complicated mazes I am trapped in. What are the labrynths? If I had absolute faith and trust, I could bravely walk through the mazes without fear and panic.

The next dream I am in a race with other peers again. It may last days, or weeks. The goal is confusing. We are supposed to choose a vacation spot to go to, but we are supposed to also make it to the finish line by traveling the shortest distance. Where is the finish line? The participants rooming with me the last night in an apartment designated for this competition are emphasizing Italy, wanting to go to Italy. Italy felt much farther away? Why were some choosing there and others Hawaii and others even further places? Shortest distance to the finish line? I weighed the options everyone was taking. They were mostly all already gone. I was less certain about which place to choose. I landed, unconvinced, on Italy, and walked into the host apartment sponsoring people going to Italy. I went up to my room. Still night time. I felt I had a head start on people because I was not being distracted by the scheme to go on any vacation you've ever wanted. The finish line was somewhere before the East coast. I recall a vision of a map laying out the travel arcs of people in the race who were overshooting the finish line by going to these vacation spots. But I felt lonely and confused why everyone was giving in to the distraction. I doubted my conviction. Was everyone else really more preoccupied with a temporary vacation than with pursuing the greater prize of this race? Was I missing something? Did they have information I was not aware of? I stirred over this question, concerned why I was not fitting the enthusiasm and rush everyone else had.

A storm arrived and rained on my bleak state of mind. A taxi was coming for me tonight so I could get a head start. I would not sleep while the others slept. I would need coffee to stay awake. I don't take the easy ways out. I sacrifice. I have such difficulty accepting good things, feeling I deserve good things. I can't help but expect a negative repercussion to balance whatever positive I received, that its better to remain fighting and depressing to at least moderate how much negative comes with the moderate positive that comes. If I do not receive the  I expect a pay out but would never allow myself to enjoy it when it came. And my life right now is a pretty good pay out that I still can't believe, and yet I stir still. Is there a greater prize at the end of the sacrificing?

If joy is the finish line though, they still might beat me there by going somewhere they've always wanted to and living it up. This was also explaining how to bring that magic into the physical world. I would need to accept joy, allow myself to feel it. Enjoy a nap. Enjoy a game. Enjoy the sunshine. Hard to do these things with a kid though. Soon, with child care, it will be Enjoy the balance of work and more quality time with my son. I never let myself be happy too long. Doesn't feel right knowing so many others do not have that. It would feel selfish. But I can't teach them the key to the power if I cannot exemplify it. I have to make the commitment to being happy when I find the stasis in my life. The solution to one problem tends to leak into the creation or awareness of another problem though.

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