Jan 8, 2013

Night of Jan 7/8th 2013

Although I ask particular questions which, regardless of the time of day I ask, bring forth answers in my dreams, what is also strongly on my mind before sleep is slipping into the messages. Hence my confusion with my message of touch as it was meant to be an expression of love and appreciation and graciousness, and has been convoluted to be synonymous with the raw act of sex without those higher feelings and selfish desire, rather than an extension of what is felt in spirit. Touch has always been misunderstood as a bad thing. It is revealing, yes, it is vulnerable, yes. But man has made it wrong. Molestation, rape, sodomy, perversion, has pulled us in on ourselves, hiding ourselves. This is an act of submission. We are submitting to what we allow to be the reality that these things affect how we express ourselves to one another, how we dress and hide our vessels, how we look on one another. The greatest deception I see is the oppression of the body, our vessels, we inflict on ourselves on others.

This is a point of contention for me even still. I strongly believe in this message which I have arrived at through my dreaming, but cannot seem to reconcile with my own intimate needs. Should there be a distinction as any moral person would tell me. The distinction I trust to be in intent. If I am serving good, if I can openly help someone, a person I already love, who is suffering and I have something that could help them, and I trust my fulfillment of intent to help them, is such a thing wrong? I wonder if Mary Magdalene ever found it pleasing to serve her Lord by caring for his physical needs of intimacy. What if there is two or more people you love with just as much ease as to provide that service if it means rising them up to a status of loving and graciousness, and gives them a taste of the compassion and beauty that awaits us. Is that kind of sex or intimate acts a wrong thing? I repeatedly wonder if there is such a companionship, even if for a day, I could offer a second someone whom I love, but maintaining an intent to heal and selflessness. This is what women can do. We are not all selfish, desire driven creatures. I can be, but I can also turn it off and choose which personality will drive my actions in any given moment. I would have to already love this person to offer such a service though, and it is that point which tells me it is not a corrupted evil.

There is a demon that tests me in my dream state. It plays on my back and forth internal debate with myself, wanting and striving to be and do goodness, where such an issue as the above lies. Is it a deception to make me commit evil or justify wrongness. Commitment to one, that proof of specialness, is important. What if a woman had to ability to remain committed in mind and spirit so much so as to perform physical sensual help to another without losing sight of that commitment? Is it detachment from the body? No. It is intent, a medicine for someone for a moment that includes the honest feelings attached to that expression of love. But in time spent, in emergency, in dedication to being with, the one committed to is absolute priority. I cannot describe this anymore than this. It does not make sense in human thinking, influenced by the laws of conduct in relationship which were and always should be the starting point for a person rising out of raw desire and physicality. How do higher beings see sex and love? The incorporation of the Ulum (machine race) in my dream that were matter of fact teaching

Dream: Two dreams, each of two sequences of images.
First, I am in a casino where the slot machines are video games that require another input of change every three minutes. I think I would get anxious with not enough time to get much done. The constant input would make me less productive. But three of four people are fixated on them, having played for hours, days maybe. I have a pad, looking down a list counting the people still stuck on these machines. All patrons/users were supposed to be coming along to something else.

Later scene, I am in back of casino. Some figure or force is threatening me or is not understanding me. In hopeless acceptance that I cannot be understood, bent over, I put a gun to my vagina and fire. The bullet explodes out my right side and I topple forward onto myself dead. A man was already dead under me whom I was enraged at the death of.

My perspective zooms out and floats into the next room into a body of myself where I am facing a galfriend (whom I've revealed my feelings toward: those of appreciation, protectiveness, and desire to feel those feelings reciprocated). I feel annoyed. "I don't care what you think, I have to go North to see him." Reference to going to see my childhood friend, which I told my partner about wanting to do yesterday. "I'm just asking that when you do, will you let me know?" Says my galfriend. "Oh, now when I am leaving you suddenly want to show feelings for me?" I say to her. I agree to let her know, just wanting to end the conversation from further hurting.

I walk into a small side room (like the office in my house) where my childhood friend is sitting playing a game. I ask him, "You want me to come see you right?" He makes a gesture of affirmation without pulling from his game. "Yes, see its fine" I wasn't expecting a big display of want to have me come up, I just wanted enough to get her off my back.

New sequence. Big campaign going on at a college level, or at least with college age people. Candidate is coordinating a rehearsal performance, the star is his girlfriend/wife. He is a sweet person, calm temperament. The girlfriend is a pudgy black young woman in an elaborate costume that sparkles, with long feathers protruding up from her hair. Walking down the steps, music cuts when her guy notices something a stage crew person is setting up wrong. The girlfriend declares she is done, her frustration having building up with having to do this performance. She had been doing so to support her guy in his run. She walks off with a sure attitude of not coming back. A couple women friends chase after her trying to convince her to return. I go after her feeling she had reason to do what she did. I catch up to her. She is already in a hot tub decompressing. I am very plain, behind the scenes compared to her. "I support your decision." She is glad someone understands. "He is a great guy ya'know..." "Yeah he is. But he was taking you to a place in his career you didn't want to be. What about your ventures? You have been so supportive of him, but there reached a point when you had to do what was best for you." She agreed and starting planning out loud what she will need to do from here. Her stuff would have to be packed and removed, she would have to look for a place to live.

...I don't want this. Why does this keep being put in my dreams?! She was already sure of her decision, I was just giving her the validation that would ease her mind. Everyone else was selfishly against her for the good of the campaign, without considering the demand it had been placing on her. ... Well in that sense I suppose I get it. What is good for me? I hate being selfish. I can't even ask for a massage or him to play with my hair (like I love), even when I really would benefit from it. If no stigma were applied, if not judgement or assumption made, I would want to see my friend once in a while for some personal time, and I would come back joyful knowing I was actively clearing up that relationship that wears on me and always will. The casino setting is a place of gambling. I would be taking a gamble. A gamble that I don't find myself wanting to stay with my friend, even though I want everything I have with my partner. 

2nd Dream: Perspective shot looking at a girl and many dark, minion figures on a sparkling white platform in the sky above the shore of an ocean. It is bouncing and turning over to force the figures that aren't supposed to be there off of the platform, but the girl, who does belong there, is also bouncing around, she is the last to fall off, unintentionally I think by whatever force was rocking the platform. I am now that woman climbing out of the water up a bank and toward a row of computers with people from my life on them. They are all playing the same game that requires learned precise sequences of typings. A twenty digit supplementary keypad, along with the main keyboard. My choir director is pacing back and forth up the rows to help students out. I am very lost, can't get past the first part because I don't understand the computer language to perform certain actions. A code has to be entered to even get to the right starting point. I missed the day we were taught that skill, they called it Shift coding, similar to HTML I suppose or key shortcuts maybe. The director lingered over my shoulder to help me more, but I still wasn't getting it. He had to move on. I asked the guy (an old friend's brother, David, who was good with computers) what to do. He helped me some. I recall the game featured a man in a long canoe, maneuvering a body of water. Then later a person in a first person perspective searching for items in a wooden, unpainted, series of rooms and halls connecting the rooms. 

Why am I always late for my classes in the dream world? I always want to explain to everyone that I am late not out of laziness but for good, important cause that they aren't supposed to know yet, even though  I am not sure myself what that reason always is.

After this, although I was the last to log out because I didn't finish like everyone else and couldn't figure out how to save, I lined up to go down some steps like an underground train system to check in at our lockers. Next we are riding on a vibrant white train. I am at a window, and can't see anything or anyone around me other than this corner because I am amazed that as we travel we are going through walls. These walls come toward us and we pass through them. Slight panic at first at expecting to hit each wall. I mean each wall passed through the train and seemed it would crash into my body but passed right through. I said this aloud, asking someone. An answer from behind giving me the knowing (without speech) that they will not crash into me and it should be evidenced by the number of ones that have already passed. The walls came every couple seconds in a regular repetitious, single beat pattern.

In a large hallway, our group's representative and a couple others want the rest of us to vote on three options with the main idea they want to do is give some kind of lizard eggs that would hatch soon to dying kids or some good cause as an uplifting gift. The image of the eggs came into my vision as white with bolts of bright yellow and lime green on the outside. They were very strange in their brightness and apparent delicateness. I was thinking why would we give these lizard eggs to kids who would not know how to care for them? Stand way up front as a vote to go ahead with the plan, stand to the side to vote for an adjustment to the plan, stand in the back to vote we do nothing. I, confusingly, stood in the center asking "Do we have to vote? Can we be neutral?" After saying that I thought that the gesture is trying to be good and so should be rewarded for that at least, so I stood up front. Our director was overseeing, letting us make the decision how we allot the funds we would raise. I believe the plan was carried through.

Analysis: Computers (at least for educational training purposes) and mass transit will still be operational is what I gathered from that last dream to answer some questions from yesterday night's dream. I do not know what more to ask on that topic. No indication of an EM pulse, but deliberateness to what machines go haywire seems apparent since computers and railway transit both run on electricity. So its not a mass electrical outage. Things are still receiving power, just behaving oddly. Interference in only some systems seems most likely. Long distance communication would be unnecessary if we could travel THROUGH light or with light as the leaps between scenes sometimes looks like: fast movement to a different place with spectrum of light and colors flowing by. Very brilliant.

Going back now, I wish to focus on the demon fighter from a few dreams ago. It is increasingly concerning to me the potential presence of a deceptive force in my dreams. On that note, I also wonder if I am being manipulated into thinking the kind of free expression of love is even possible for humankind, and whether my ease of shame in the matter of wanting to share through touch is also being manipulated. I think it is a rocky area still that is being used to target me with fear and doubt and shame. But is the kind of love I envision (even if I can't quite manifest it fully yet in my own reality, to start) really part of the divine plan? Difficult to separate all the stigma, rules, perversions it has become in the human world from what it really looks like say in the realm of good angels. What does the ideal love and expression of look like for good, divine beings? If I can get a clear answer on this, I will not doubt my inner feelings on it so much. Why do I have a feeling of expressive love that is almost explosive within me, which I withhold and only feel embodied when I am my inner self leading people in my dreams. Do angels have physical touch and sex with one another? Is sex with multiple individuals you love while claiming loyalty to one of those persons an abomination?

Where should I look for clues as to who this demon fighter is from my building/tower dream? What is that tower? Who were those humans hunting us? 

Extra: Met with my new mentor today the 8th, as our first meet since our outing at the park where I made him lunch and I discussed my unconventional ideas and what I believe is the workings of the universe toward me fulfilling my role in bringing forth the New Earth. I am deeming him my new mentor because of the happenings leading up to us deciding to meet together for Bible study and talk. He had prayed, without my awareness of this, to have someone he could share his research and faith with. He then wondered if I would be interested and where I was in my faith (this all he told me). He prayed it could be setup that he could share with me. "Then one day there you are in my back yard talking to me about your dreams." He is my neighbor, living in a studio apt attached to our house. We saw each other a lot during the summer when I would take the kid and dog in the field outside (an empty lot) to let them play. He listens, and gives credence to my experiences, my feelings, my dreams without trying to correct them to fit his sense of the Bible's teachings. My dreams and feelings and beliefs are an extension of the Bible, built in-line with what was said as an updated comprehension, one in which man was not ready for at the time of the original teachings. Just as Jesus came to redirect the Jews from their interpretation of the Mosaic teachings, so are we due for a reiteration of what was really meant.

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