Jan 2, 2013

Night of Jan. 1st/2nd 2013

This night's dream featured a common theme of what I refer to as my 'training dreams.' They seem to be designed to signal to me there is a lesson to pay attention to. This lesson may be in reference to the subsequent scene. In particular, this dream may have been designed, like the previous two, to help me sort out an aspect of my personality I repress and can't figure out how such a truth has any place in my culture.

Dream: I am on a campus of sorts, with old, large, plain buildings. Along a concrete road, on the sidewalk, I am fussing with my feet or shoes, preparing them for something. I ask my older sister to retrieve my athletic tape, and a couple other items. She sighs but brings them to me, from somewhere (details like this, the logistics of things are not always relevant; things do not occur the same way in the dream world as in the physical world. If it does not feel important, it probably is not). There is commotion around the area, sirens some 300 yards away in the parking lot on the other side of a row of trees lining the road I'm sitting at the edge of. Am I evading them? No, just curious what's going on. Late for my class. Nervous the commotion will further delay my attendance.

A law enforcement SUV (didn't look like a police car) approaches to question us. They are looking for guilty parties. I am hiding some truth... what did I do? I am clever though and manage to dissuade them from further suspecting us. Am I in my own vehicle? Trying to hide something in the car.

Arrive at plain beige building where class is located. Dropped off by my partner. Did I forget to do the assignment again? How frustrating. Didn't know there was one. [Academically I was always an outstanding student; Magna Cum Laude, 3.8 GPA. Odd for me to be persistently dreaming whenever I have a classroom dream that I forget to do my studies. Clues when I am missing something?] There are two teachers. One asked the other to relinquish teaching for the day to him by sitting in the back of the room like an observer. He agreed not wanting to cause a scene, but didn't believe the teacher would teach the lesson satisfactorily. Almost immediately the teacher in the back who is supposed to be observing brings up a point of contention with the teacher in front of the class. What are they disagreeing on? I know the teacher in the back and am amused by his inability to just sit quietly. I am doodling, making colored rectangles out of the blocks of info on the paper in front of me while listening to the teachers debate.

Next scene: Arrive at a 'bed,breakfast inn' type of old house where my teammates are staying [my choir, I believe. I have been part of different choirs most of my life, except the last couple years after college graduation. I do miss being surrounded by harmony and integrated into teamwork that takes pride in its quality, but I rarely fitted in with my choirs. The group experience is often referenced in my dreams]. But everyone already claimed their spots to sleep and I am last to choose. Floor space is apparently too good for me. I feel distinctly singled out, avoided. The first room felt they were already too crowded and wanted me to find somewhere else. I go down the hall and down some stairs. Creepiness of this house is increasing.

Jump scene. In a transparent room - trees, sky, grass outside is visible all around but feel we are enclosed in a space. My cousin (female, same age) is panicking, acting clostraphobic. I am in the back of a room with three opaque, metallic walls, feels like a bathroom. She acts like she cannot escape but there is an entire section of the room without a wall that leads to the transparent floor room. She is frantic to find sexual relief. I am calm and curiously watching her behavior. She is so desperate she pushes me against the wall and begs me for just a pinky toe to use toward her relief. She wants me to help her by fingering her with my pinky toe.  I am almost amused, but do consider helping her as bizarre as her request is.

I get that this dream alluded to my frustration trying to reconcile my sexual needs that explode each month for a three day (+/-) period. Two valid positions are arguing. I force one to the surface as the one that will lead my behaviors, but I know the one I push to the back is based more in truth and experience and is more right for me. I chose to , but during this time I need things in frequency my partner alone cannot provide me because of our obligation to watch and tend our son (time away together is hard to come by). Ideally, to solve this problem, I would have a couple close intimate partners I would call upon during this time. But my partner is monogamous, and I refuse to do anything that would hurt him or jeapardize our relationship. He is my family, my love, my stability. How can it possibly work out that someone would care so selflessly for their partner that they would allow them to take brief sexual e. Is it possible to have two intimate partnerships? Well yes I've done this before. But with another man? It is like I am saying 'you are not enough.' But its only during this period when I am needing a kind of supplemental connection.

This really is a dream. And it doesn't help that you keep forcing it into my sleep. Three nights in a row. Haha. Sounds about right. Like freaking clockwork. I simply do not know how to solve this internal problem other than ignore it and be with my partner as much as I can during those episodes, like I have been. Its genetically related [hence my cousin acting like I feel, so I can observe my behavior from an outside perspective], I get that, perhaps amplified by my bipolar.  However, many women have reported a similar pattern connected to when the female body ovulates. It is amusing how crazy we get. All this time it should have been women at the heart of poly relationships (polygyny when one woman has multiple husbands). Rather everyone should look after everyone in a perfect world without diseases. Everyone regularly has multiple partners, but only those they have true connection with. Women especially need this during ovulation when our hormones skyrocket.

As far as guiding me toward a higher self, I understand resolving this problem is essential for my evolution toward acceptance of who I am. I want to spread the love, I honestly do. I also value loyalty and commitment to one person, and don't believe they are mutually exclusive ideas. There is a disconnect between my inner self and what is appropriate in reality. How do I compromise the two? Purpose the compromise to my partner and the sweetheart I restrict myself from seeing? They both answer to base morals that state "Thou shalt not lie with another man's wife." If they both consent, is it still immoral? Am I strong enough to Swingers may have the right idea. Except my situation would be swinging only with another person I love, not random people. I would not try to balance seeing them equally, my current partner is prioritized, he is my son's father, he is the one I am committed to. That will not change.

Society is due for an update on our strict beliefs on relationships. Ugh. This is all so taboo. I hope no one actually finds and reads this post.

[That's a lie...]

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