Jan 21, 2013

Night of Jan 20th/21st 2013

Last night in a good state of mind I pondered aloud to the spirits many questions that have been on my mind:  is there an other dimensional parasite that feeds off human fear, anxiety and confusion; who am I; what is the portal, how many are there [perhaps its a grid network, because my observation has been there are four in my sky alone at every corner of the cardinals]; am I seeing alternate timelines or goals for this dimension to rise to the next, what are the remote viewing scenes, from past lives, channeling someone else's experience, training for missions on other worlds?

I also acknowledged to be seeing the things I do is a lonely experience when people around me want to disregard the possibilities I suggest and explain away what I see as not mysterious, thereby suggesting I am delusional, but in practice I am always expanding their scope of perspective and providing them advice and insight, so something is right on my end. I also acknowledged my confusion and fears associated with my relationship issue are hindering my continued ascension.

Dream: I'm tending a toddler that resembles an infant in how I am needing to treat him. He is not mine, but some older woman's who erupts into the room I am tending him in to tell me to get him ready, she wants to present him to the audience as the main attraction. She is demonstrating little concern for his needs. She seems greedy and is taking advantage of his attractiveness as a child, as if the audience rarely gets to see such young children. She doesn't care that he is tired. I grudgingly load him in a front carrier (back pack for the the front). I am trying to shield him as much as possible from the overstimulation and uncaring admiration of onlookers by putting a beanie hat on him and making him snuggled low in the carrier. He is covered head to toe in clothing. We are led to a lush auditorium with built in chairs fancy enough for an opera. We are seated in the back section of chairs to wait to be called to the backstage for setup. There are many other groups that are being called to stage. Is this not primarily for the child in my arms like she said it was? I have been wandering about outside the auditorium to keep Link (although he is not mine?) away from the noise. Fed up, I find her in the seats and whisper loudly to her, scolding her for not considering his time schedule that he will be fussy without his upcoming nap and it will be a disaster to expect him to be center staged. The audience will not witness an adorable toddler, but a cranky monster. She still sent me up. I had to obey, it was ultimately her child. But I was glad she knew how irresponsible this was.

I found a place backstage. Dozens of people with toddlers and older women sat in rows backstage waiting for the same thing Link's mother had sent him here for. He was not as special as she was making this event out to seem. A stage manager was coordinating groups of these people waiting backstage into more seats in descending rows onstage. My bundle miraculously was able to get some sleep because of this unexpected waiting period. She made it seem like he was the main event, but he was only a small part of the event. Suddenly from this perspective as well, the theatre was no longer lush and beautiful, but a plain gymnasium with a stage and fold out chairs. The audience didn't seem very interested, and their numbers were scattered and barely filled half the chairs available. This was not as highly an anticipated event for a public as his mother also made me believe.

Our turn, being part of the next row in sequence to move onstage. Persons here and there in the audience are leaving, having lost interest in such a long, bland program. My Aunt Joyce is saying a speech about select individuals she would like to mention. She describes me in ways I do not agree with and am confused why she saw me as she was describing, saying despite my faults (which didn't fit), I am still worthy of recognition. "I'm not like that." I thought, feeling cheated that she so pleasantly described those few others she pointed out with praise. "Is this really how people see me? How frustrating. Are my redeeming qualities not primarily what I exhibit?"

I took the child home with me, led to a beautiful house by Chris as my escort and partner, I assume. Annoyed with what was said about me, I asked for a second opinion from him. "That's ridiculous. I know you're not like that. You're caring and considerate." He was saying as he ushered me patiently into the door after climbing very narrow steps. Warm light filled the upper class construction and decor of this home. I knew he was speaking truthfully what he thought, and was reassured by his certainty in how he described me. I was also surprised that such love, and compassion, and patience was coming from this persona. My previous dream was pointing out my unrealistic expectations of who he has become. Really, the persona of him in this dream reminded me strongly of Jim. How funny. They are very similar in just the bits I am getting from him. [Reminder, we haven't seen each other in 6 years]. I would think that if I was seeking him as a romantic partner as comparison against Jim that I would be realizing all the dissimilarities. So what does it mean when I see them similarly and would feel so humbled and privileged to be in partnership with two wonderfully protective, caring, strong, confident men that provide such balance to my personality? I don't have the first clue how to handle this.

Ideally, to have them both would help me as a companion know that both loves of my life we tended to and given a living part of me. Link would have two fathers in a way. That's more finances and parental help toward his upbringing. I could bring love and health to both their lives. They could balance my needs between them both and keep me on my game of tending to theirs. The presence of one another would also encourage them both to keep in line as well. Ideally, I just see love and care all around, which raises our ability as a unit to affect positive change and nurturing for other family and friends that interact with us. But how can I possibly manage two relationships again? Would they be able to overcome their inclinations for jealousy and possessiveness for this to happen? I wonder. If we could accomplish it though, we would be a living example of the limitless boundaries of love and the possible openness with which humans can achieve dominant focus on qualities of trust, love, understanding, care for each other over selfish derivatives from the current standard of what constitutes an ideal human relationship. I just know that I would more freely love if I knew I didn't have to choose, that I could have connection and share my life with them both. I am reserved because I have been trying to determine a choice, and six years has proven to me that this is a choice I tried to make and stick to for fairness sake, but fairness, at least how I see it, would be if they could both have me. I can't split myself into two though, so this is the only compromise I see. It would be demanding on me, and require self-exploration for them, but it could work in theory. Otherwise, we never know what this soul connection between is and be haunted by it, and I would endlessly struggle to force myself to stay monogamous and ignore my love for Chris for Jim's sake. And what about family and friend interpretation.. ugh. One step at a time. For all we know, we could set a new standard. What a better way of exemplifying infinite love than with my own relationships. I value the idea of monogamy, and appreciate a one and only true love connection, but with vast love, it doesn't end at one for me. I have too much I want to share, and by fate came to love two men and want to share my heart, mind, body, and soul in whichever NOW I am in. I cannot combine them, it would not be a threesome in any given present. It would be a relationship with one and a relationship with the other. Would I still worry how the other is feeling? Would I be wreck worrying about if I am hurting either of them? Oh please show me the way.

Just a note: I am screening which dreams I record because there are so many fragments that are incomplete and not worth the time to record them. I have too many other responsibilities, I must prioritize.

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