Jun 26, 2013

Lost Love

No dream confirmation or response using the new content and perspective I explored yesterday about my deep water phobia. I was so sure I would have something about deep sea diving and discovery or swimming with seals. The only reason I felt it wouldn't be that is because that research for desensitizing me was earlier in the day. Before bed I was incredibly engaged in watching Project Camelot interviews with Erin "Rothschild" and the two assassins with the 4th Reich. I don't know much about the Illuminati, or the Cabal, frankly I think I've needed to establish my center before digging too deep into their history. It's shrouded in so much rumor and heresay that I preferred to do mythological research and dream investigation which would provide a clearer baseline for understanding.

I was on overload, stayed up past 1am, unusual for me since I have to get my son to daycare by 8am, and he tends to wake me up a couple times. I love sleep, that is my time, so I try to settle down as early as I can manage, which still ends up being after 10pm. I just have to record the dream before it bursts my heart.

Night of June 25/26th 2013

Sequence at school. Taking so many courses, way behind in Social studies... this one keeps confusing me. Perpetually I see this same classroom and am perpetually behind, as well as in Math. Understand I was an overachiever, hard-working, intelligent student throughout highschool and college. I succeeded through Calculus level math, including statistical research methods and analysis. So why do I keep forgetting to do my math homework? What IS my math homework? I never fell behind, so this unnerves in my dream world, especially that I keep being behind in the same courses. At least three dreams now over the months have been this same scenario pointing me to the subject I am failing to do my research in. I am confused what importance social studies has?

I also was taking language classes, two I think. Both of which I was doing okay in, I simply had to do that week's assignment. In one night I was supposed to complete assignments, which included backed up/late assignments, for four classes, and these weren't the only ones I was taking, just the ones I still had homework for.

I was back and forth between the college and my room because I kept forgetting books. My roommate was Jim, my spouse. After watching Erin's testimony, and based on how he used to be depicted in my dreams, I landed on the idea that Jim is my handler. This dream suggested instead that he is a student like me, my roommate in this reality, taking his own classes.

Jim watched me in my rushing about, distracted by my urgency and erratic attention. A pale yellow larvae creature like a huge maggot (a thick grub with tiny red legs; thicker than shown in image) was in my seat, I sensed it was there before I sat. It planted itself there to feed on me. I shucked it off onto the floor.

In the next sequence I am climbing up a hill with a group of people investigating what the trees are. The trees are all shaped like wings. It's a dark sky, windy, and spooky. Though the condition of the trees, battered from the wind, adds to the creepiness factor of the scene, the fact that everything on this hill is shaped like wings is supposed to be a hopeful omen, a light in the darkness, a reminder for those who can see it. The group with me are scientists? I am a specimen they were hoping might be able to find a loose set of specimen connected to the trees. I do. On the largest tree is a group of gerbil like creatures. Each of us takes one to care for, I take the 'runt' whose eyes are large like a bush baby's and pale red. The inner eye looks fake, like a crinkly reflective fabric, flat and solid instead of having depth or semi-opacity. This little one was missing some programming, and I felt for it moreso than for the others. It was the leader or representative of the group somehow. We let them rest in a smaller tree designed for them.

I, along with other sisters, belong to a black haired man styled as a mullet, high ranking, powerful either technologically or magically. We encounter another black haired man of shorter length. He is my soul love and is calling my slave master to release me. I run to him, but am transparent. He doesn't see me. My master... that's not the right term. My handler reiterates that I was bound to him for another two years as a kind of payment or swap for something or someone else. Perhaps a negotiation of karma. This all disturbs me greatly. I woke with a terrible headache that has persisted all day.

Without any visible transition, two years have passed and I am free. He has returned and I am excited to be free. I shed my clothes and given a black sheet to wrap around my body. One of my sisters is digging in our garden next to where we stand to reveal a series of random, insignificant objects. She says to my love "She has been excited to see since you last came two years ago. She saved these things to show to you." As she unearthed the items concealed by a thin layer of dirt at the end of a row in the small garden, I remembered doing just as she said, despite being oblivious to having done it just prior. The memory was triggered as she shown me. Each item was something from something I did or saw during the two years that I had a childlike excitement to share with him someday, knowing he would return and my binding to this other man would be over. I wondered if all my sisters could bind to my love. He is such a gentle man, a better companion than the other one. [Similarities to the two lords visiting each other while I was an undercover servant girl in that turtle racing dream? (unposted yet)]. But then it would be the same sort of polygamous situation as they are still in now. No matter. The fact that he would treat them well and hold them in his care while only looking to me as his intimate companion justified it enough in my mind, though I did not have the power to make this happen. There were contracting, trans-dimensional issues going on that I knew nothing about.

I was glad to be freed to him though, standing nearly naked, wrapped in that black sheet. When I finally could embrace my love, the image blurred and he was a tall woman. I held her and she crouched down in embarrassment at her height. "I'm too tall aren't I?" "No." I replied with a comforting smile, "You are just right being you." It did strike me as odd why he was suddenly an obviously feminine tall woman (8 or 9 ft), but I focused more on the bliss of being finally held by the one I've waited for in soul.

There is a disconnect. His image keeps getting blocked. I only assume he was short black haired because I compared him to my current keeper. That is all that helped me remember that his was shorter and possibly black. But I just don't know. And when I was finally able to be with him upclose, his image quickly distorted to present a tall female replacement. So much of this dream has me confused, to a point of tearful anger.

Is his image being deliberately blocked, or is it metaphorical in the sense that I simply do not have a face for that role yet (even though I do:  Darian, but he is never in my dreams, an irony that continues to confound me). 

The contract/binding to a keeper is also confusing. Right in the center of my chest I feel a clawing for something that is just out of reach, something I once knew but can't remember, something I have known again and again and forgotten again and again. Erin discussed programmed regression. What purpose would it serve to let me see my beloved again and again only to disguise his image immediately upon waking? I can remember details of strange beasts and alien beings I've never seen before, but I can't look up into the face of my beloved and take note of details? I've already covered the liklihood that he is part Dragon/Reptilian, and whose race has been misrepresented to humanity, but who cares greatly for me and humanity's well-being. Why then should I not know?! Will it put me in danger to know? Its just so bittersweet to visit and then have the image of his essence taken from the memory.

I continue to research, I suppose. My trouble is I don't know how to interpret this dream. I would think its merely a matter of representing me in this world bound to this reality for a contracted time and will return to a place I prefer and feel safer (each man with black hair representing a different reality). But he couldn't seem me, though he could see everyone else before my time was up. It was specific that we are soul bound and cannot be reunited until my duty fulfilled, so I was shielded from him seeing me, and now that I'm awake, my memory of him is shielded. I just want to know what's going on.

However, this does, once again, emphasize to me that my dreaming is more than by self-design, that there is divine guidance toward understanding certain things, only shown when I have progressed enough to be ready or to clarify my current understandings.

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