Feb 11, 2013

Hunger and Freedom

Night Feb. 9/10th 2013

Before bed the night before I was distraught. The aftermath of three low-grade fevers with aches and pains has left me extremely fatigued. I worried I have something more serious. I considered infection. Ruling out a few options based on symptoms though, I relented (much to my own relief) that I was still recovering from the flu. Others in this area have reported taking months to fully heal. Hopefully it won't be that long, but at least I don't have to worry just yet about my quick fatigue being a symptom of a more serious condition. I just need to take it easy a while longer.

Dream: With a group/team. We are armed, in a town with dirt roads. An infiltrating, vagabond force led by a beast of a man is threatening the peaceful, meek people of the town. We are a small force of capable men and women, no more than 4 or 5 adults. Again, I am not the leader, but am a key motivating force in the group. I throw a sword to a teammate, and instruct them to protect the townsfolk, that we will do what we can even if we die in the process (a real possibility considering the size of the their force compared to ours), but we were not about to surrender to their tyranny. I take down a few, fighting out of direct sight of the rest of my team. Where is my team? They should be blasting through the opposing force looting and trashing the shops and houses in the square. I saved a young girl. Not seeing my team, hearing my name called, I suspect a problem. I put her into a house and lock the door, telling her to stay put and keep low. I rush to where I left my team expecting them to be fighting, and I just over-estimated how long it would take them. Instead, they were tied up, and surrounded. I was outmatched one to a hundred. I drop my sword in surrender at the order of our male leader. The opposing force's leader made a display of greeting me to the rest of my comrades in time to witness their execution.

I slither around his back, gripping his shoulders and whispering to him, trying to appeal to his sense of reasoning with a plan he might enjoy. "Wouldn't it be more entertaining to display our execution for the town to see." He found that would be pleasing, but not enough to provide time for us to concoct an escape plan. He gave the signal to proceed. I acted quickly, attacking in desperation at the leader, wrapping my legs around his neck and wrestling him. But I was small compared to his 7 ft minimum body and thick limbs (imagine Bane from Batman). He barely struggled. I paused, seeing the futility of my effort to win over him physically. Instead, as I have done in many of my dreams, I offer myself in exchange for their safety. I would be his willing slave if they were freed and given all the comforts they desired. He agreed. My team yelled their disagreement to my sacrifice. I ignored their shouts. I gave myself over knowing I was handing away my freedom. I fell emotionless, but fulfilled my obligation dutifully.
Suddenly, three of us are being led around in a pristine, and white hotel/spa. A female and male from my team are guided to private rooms by beautiful escorts of their preferred sex. They will be pleasured. My teammates go willingly, if not excitedly. They are surprised that the bargain is being honored. I enter my room. A deformed blob of tissue and fat awaits me in a glowing bathtub. I sigh, remembering what I agreed. 'This will be my life' I think to myself, trying to accept my unfortunate reality, but also in mourning. The blob resembles Jabba from Star Wars, but smaller and peach skinned with red blemishes everywhere. It appeared to be a failed experiment that retained life. I treated it with understanding. I performed my duty well. It thought of me fondly. It explained that it was actually comprised of two beings, a feminine name was the other one. In trying to understand how it was possible for two personalities to occupy the same physical matter without being a psychological disorder, I described how a twin will sometimes absorb the other baby in the womb. It agreed that was the closest explanation that made sense. But rather, they both tried to absorb each other and both failed, resulting in a kind of siamese twin effect in which neither body completed formation. So it didn't resemble a human being in any way. I mostly spoke with it, surprised it had not been more demanding that we engage sexually, as was promised with my deal. I came to sympathize with it.

Later scene in same sequence: We are on the run. Night. Stopping at a shitty hotel. Manager paints the couch white to cover up ripped cushions, but the brush strokes are obvious. My master has grown to trust me. Its shape is different, looks more human now. Small, thin man. He is running from something. Tells me he must get something and will return. I say "What would stop me from just running away?" He doesn't answer me. Doesn't believe I will leave. He goes. I stay. I don't feel right leaving. I contemplate the absurdity of my hesitation. He was too familiar. Where would I go anyway? All I knew was being his companion. The doors were wide open. No physical barrier stood in my way. I just had to choose to leave.

Next scene: In a raised house. Lovely display of foods. There was a party. A celebration hosted by my 5/6th grade school teacher. Tall windows makeup the walls of the top floor loft. Balcony. House is white. Getting dark. Time for people to leave. I am hungry, but too shy to ask for one of the untouched leftover cakes. I stare at it as we move from the balcony to the kitchen and toward the stairs. The hosts are cleaning up as they talk about the party to us. They are about to wrap the cake up, saying it wasn't popular and maybe should just be tossed. But it looked beautiful to me because it could be free delicious food. One of them asked us all "Is there anything you want to take with you?" Everyone said no. I shyly said "I wouldn't mind a slice of that cake." I don't think they heard me. All I needed to do was ask louder. My opportunity was disintegrating. I was losing my nerve to ask again as my group was pushing down the stairs.

Analysis: FREEDOM! CAKE!! Freedom from my baby. Sweet relief for a hunger I have felt for so long. The option to leave my obligation is available, and I resist leaving because I grew fond of my slave master. The opportunity to relieve my hunger (publish my book, feed my soul by providing for my family and have my own means to pay my loans and travel, etc.) will become available if I ask loud enough. It is comforting to think that such an opportunity will present itself, a sweet deal. But is cake really what I should be eating when I'm hungry? At the time, it was food and was good enough. It would have satisfied the immediate hunger and been oh so tasty.

Today was the first day I was able to put in a regular work day on my book. I'm hoping I can start to muster the patience I need to enjoy my toddler now that I have this time away. Only the first day though, so I will give myself some time. Need to be patient with myself first, I suppose. On the weekends or every few days I need to dedicate to taking him out for some fun. His birthday is this friday. Trip to the zoo, and real cake!

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