Relative Success

Summary:  Results of the communication experiment; roleplay vision with angel/alien guide; coincidental meeting with local angel medium and our conversation; the next phase in establishing communication.

My spirit guides are trying to contact me; my dreams have increased in occurrence and content is dense since my attempt to communicate. Through that experience I channeled the disconnect I am experiencing between my flesh and spiritual desires to intimately connect with the beings in the higher dimensions. Rather than seeing a higher being as I had been led to try to do, once I submitted to relax and enjoy the life around me (laying in a field), I roleplayed in my mind's eye (as I am exceptionally familiar with doing and discuss it at length in my book on imaginary companionship) indulging in what I wanted to happen. The result of that storyline answered how I am getting in my own way.

I envisioned a blonde male like one from my dreams appearing beside me to embrace me. He had a calm and wise demeanor. He said he had been sent to meet with me at my request by his race's elders. He specified he was not human, though he appeared so. He guided me aboard a craft and introduced me to the elders aboard, busy, but glad to hug me like old friends reunited. They resonated of deep knowledge I could not fathom. He then led me into the center of a private room and began to kiss and undress me tenderly.
"Wait," I said, "What are you doing?"
"What you hoped for. I was assigned to fulfill this wish."
"Assigned? Are you a programmed clone [slave/robot]?"
He seemed hurt by my assessment and matter of factly stated in a low volume "No."
"But you were assigned, so you were told to be with me?"
"We do our jobs humbly and in our greatest joy. I was assigned because fulfilling your wish would grant me great joy. Our works are alligned to who we are."
He proceded to caress me. His touch is sensual and comforting, without selfishness, however impossible that sounds. Still I hesitated.
"Wait."
"You do not wish this?"
"Wouldn't we get in trouble from your elders?"
"They were the ones who assigned me."
"Your elders permitted you to have intimate relations with a physical being?"
"Yes."
"That can't be right."
"Come." With that he led me with an extended hand to the door. I wondered if this was some kind of a test and I passed by resisting. He guided me back to the main circular section where the craft crew and elders were all occupied in their tasks.
"She wishes you to confirm that it is permissible for her and I to be intimate in the aft room."
The Elders nodded, and on spoke "Yes, to fulfill your request to meet us we have granted you an appropriate guide for your time aboard."
Confused, I questioned the setup despite their conviction, no longer expecting it to be a trick, but baffled as to how such advanced beings would encourage such 'sinful' like behavior.
"Wouldn't it be wrong?"
"In what way?"
"Don't you look down on sexual relations between your people and humans?"
"In your heart you have asked to meet a representative among us with whom you could explore our race and enjoy the comfort and connection you have struggled for on Earth."
"But wouldn't it be cheating?"
"We do not see this issue as you do. You place a high value on loyalty to only one, whereas we strive for experience in joy wherever it may dwell for the individual. Where we are attracted to from our core is where an important experience awaits."
"I'm sorry. I can't though. As much as I yearn for this, the rules of the physical world are different than yours. It is important for me to be at least in body loyal to my partner in this life."
"Very well. We shall return you."

My inner self has been crying at having been at a loss to see or summon the beings I asked to guide me in physical form. A roiling anxiety has persisted in the center of my chest the last few days. I work diligently to manage my emotional imbalances with exercise, meditation, healthy food, and psychological work, yet this anxiety festered without apparent cause. I couldn't pinpoint it. I tended to some issues I figured could have been creating it, but it remained. I began to get ill from the imbalances in my energy.

It wasn't that they disapprove of my desire to connect, however intimate or sexual I associate a connection with higher beings or ET's to be, nor is it that desiring as such lowers my resonance necessarily. The shame I feel about it and assume they place on me for feeling it is part of what is holding me back. I need individualized guidance from a physical person versed in these issues to help me open the lines of communication. Something about my internal status is preventing me, and I feel them nudging me along, like they are trying to scream the answers to me as anxiety.

Coincidentally, a woman who used to be a dog trainer asked me while I was walking the dog if she could show me a better way of handling him. As she explained her method, it came about that she mentioned she is an angel medium. She has a website and instructional videos on Youtube. She called herself a "lightworker." As she talks my eyes are growing wider and wider. "You must be part of the Galactic community then?" She is familiar with them but deals more strongly with angels rather than ET's. In that instant I identified my efforts have been about ET's specifically, but that the angel spirits are the ones more in touch with me and maybe I need to focus there first. "I didn't think anyone around here was part of all that I am learning to understand. I told her how alone it has felt. She agreed and explained there is a large community of us in Ashland some 20 minutes away where I used to live. I described my current position as struggling to differentiate between the opposing and guiding forces in my dreams. She was so glad to hear that I understood that there was a difference to begin with and directed me to watch her youtube videos discussing this very topic.

She was very interested in my work on imaginary companionship as perhaps the key to bringing her work more into the realm of acceptable investigation. She believes too many adults have lost the joy and freedom of childhood to converse with spirits. She told me I should interview her.

Strange, how I have thought lately that the only medium I know channels such higher up entities that she is too overwhelmed to offer the individualized attention I need to understand what is happening to me. Then this other women, in my neighborhood, happens to chat with me at the park. I could have easily have walked by and had she not said a word or encouraged me to linger by stirring conversation repeatedly, I would have missed a potential opportunity for just that which I was needing, someone experienced in this field to validate and train me. I told her how much I feel bad that I keep asking for validation from my spirits, and she shrugged it away saying "No you should ask for validation. That is okay."

Her name is Sheri Engler. In her videos she teaches how to visualize and cleanse your chakras, and specifically what each one allows you to do, or what ability is attached to each one. The heart chaka is where my crippling anxiety resides. If I try to ignore all of this, as hesitant as I am about it all, I would die of heart attack. The churning begins when I am resisting or lost in the voice of my ego telling me its balony, that I am leading myself into deception and that I am not really special or worth what I would like to believe. I finally allowed myself to sleep so I could overcome an illness settling in my body that my partner must have given me.

Something Engler said made sense to me about the throat and forehead chakra. She described a lightworker symptom of ringing in the left ear, which is where God spoke to me as if a radio transceiver were in my ear in a past dream, something I want to duplicate in the real world, to hear them as clearly as I would hear a person standing next to me talking. She said it sounds like hearing a strange sound in the distance that perks your ears up. Overtones happen in a similar way (see my previous post) in that focusing your ears on them doesn't always help to hear because they resonate in the air apart from the physical object producing them. In other words it isn't as loud.

[Red Grid Mark Investigation] Another symptom she mentioned is the appearance of rash, hives, red marks on the skin. She had many appear that she figured for the longest time were bites. Across the Galactic community, these are recognized as symptomatic of our bodies' upgrading to higher dimensions, a crystalline structure as they call it. It also is an indication that you are a lightworker, someone contracted into this physical realm to help bring in light and love to others.

So my next step is learning to clear my chakras so I can fully awaken those associated abilities. I've always loved rainbows, it should be easy for me to visualize brightening my colors. Yes ego you have a point that this sounds silly, but it also appeals to the child in me starving for a reiteration of what used to make life enjoyable, a return to the simplicities, remembering how to love myself.