Fear Itself Creates Entry Points, Not Universal Actions

Morning August 28/29th 2014

Need to type it out before it bursts out of me. Very distracting this morning.

Dream: I come home (my real home, though my sisters also live with us) after having been gone only a short time to find our house in disarray. Furniture turned over, items scattered about. Someone had broke into our home. We couldn't believe how quickly they came in and messed things up. We were gone barely the blink of an eye. They must have been watching us. I knew they had been doing this for sometime. Maybe this time I could find clues as to who it is.

I searched around the house and found a purple zip-close binder filled with papers. I open it up and find personal notes written about me by the owner of the binder. Notes that suggested this person thought intimately of me; his day to day feelings. He was delusional, thinking we were together. I walked into the kitchen and found a bag he left on our counter of his personal affects. I became more attuned to him and saw him peaking and pacing outside our backyard fence.

This was my chance to confront the being who terrorizes our home, and tests our sense of security. I go to the door and he meets me inside the gate at my door, overly excited, if not desperate, to see me face-to-face.

"Wait," I tell him, holding the door ajar to limit his contact. He seems to know things about us all, calling out greetings to my sisters by name. "I will come out to you, and only me." I can feel his energy and intentions. He wants desperately to be against me, to hold my presence and attentions. I'm overwhelmed by his aggressive desire, though he is thin, young, and would appear harmless in appearance. His delusion is so strong, it makes him dangerous. "I will be yours, but you have to stay away from the others." I proposed.

"You will be mine?" He states excitedly, having had no other focus except to have me anyway.

"Yes. You can do what you want with me. But not them."



He cheers and grabs me to him. I explain I found his items in our house, and lectured him for invading the space of my sisters and son to get a taste of me. His mood was in such bliss that he was more than willing to be apologetic, as well as sexual. He grew a massive erection that pressed presumptuously between my legs. He had no shame, but I was forward. I lectured him on this as well, assuring him I was not ready to receive him in that way. He accepted that, and adjusted himself, but exuded enough satisfied arousal that intercourse wasn't necessary. I was satisfying him, unintentionally, by simply being present in a compliant, albeit hesitant, spirit. I felt I was being raped just by letting him be near me.

He broke away for a moment to exchange hoorahs with a group of buddies waiting in a truck outside the gate. My confidence took a turn knowing his delusion and behaviors were encouraged, goaded, by his buddies. Would I be their plaything as well by having agreed to be his?

While he was receiving praise from his buddies for capturing my "affections," I opened the door and instructed my sisters to call any protective forces for help... Our dad, call dad. "I'm sure he'd like to know his daughter is being held for sexual exploitation." And closed the door again, just as the male teen was returning to collect me. His buddies had drove off to pick up something for him.

He brought me out of the gate. I think I forced us to trip so I could sit across his lap instead of being brought into one of the vehicles. For a moment, we shared a moment of what seemed like genuine closeness. Damn, I must be good. In this moment, I informed him someone would be coming to challenge his claim on me. "I hope you're prepared to fight for me, 'cause dad's and boyfriend's won't take my abduction kindly."

Just then, a truck pulls up, and my Dad drops out with his pants around his ankles, like he rushed over so fast he didn't have time to put his clothes on properly. My captor looks up in panic. He knows he's no match for a grown man, being the skinny adolescent he is. My dad kicks off his pants and approaches us. "Where is the son-of-a-bitch that thinks he can have my little girl." My dad picks up my captor by the neck and throws him on the ground, threatening punches with correcting words at his face.

I took the opportunity to search his vehicle, parked crookedly in the middle of the thoroughfare. It was a black SUV truck, long, 4-wheel drive probably, with purple and blue metallic trim. In the back, I found the same binder I returned to him. I needed to check something he had said. I searched through and found little cut out penises and clip art pictures of a girl with brown hair like mine. In one of the pictures, the girl's back was facing the viewer and he ass cheeks were exaggerated. Align the penis cut out, and its not hard to recognize what he was doing with these play cards. This confirmed my dread. He had indeed been masturbating to the image of me. The cards were practice for when he could finally be with me for real.

Two cop cars swung onto the scene, one from each end of the road, cutting off escape routes. "Thank God!" I whispered to myself, and immediately showed the officers why my father was beating the shit out of this boy, and who he was and had been planning to do. They tackled the boy, who was yelling to get free.

His buddies' truck returned, with his whole family, mother and brother mainly, whom argued with the police about taking their son/brother into custody. I watched as this unfolded, relieved, but still victimized, and afraid at the defensiveness for his crimes his family exhibited. Didn't they disapprove of his behavior?

Next scene, I'm in the home of my captor, with his mother. I'm back under his claim with a blanket wrapped around my body, my meager means of protecting myself from his imagination. I'm following his mom around their large, beautiful house, feeling very much a prisoner or slave. She was getting ready to leave for an outing. "Ma'am, didn't you want to know why your son was sent to jail last night?" They bailed him out.

"Oh, I don't care. I know my baby was misrepresented. I'm just so glad he found himself a girl like you." She had no clue that his claims about us being together was delusion, and that it only came to fruition through intimidation. "Does he want kids?" I ask her, hoping to show her how incompatible we are.

"He already has two, don't need any more. Needs help with those ones." She says. I look back and confirm to myself that I have been seeing him hugging on an older son. He was not as young as I thought. "Well see that's a problem, because I also have a son and I want more kids." I could tell I wasn't about to sway her pride in her son. She saw me as a fine specimen for rearing the children we both already have and any more I happened to want. It was hopeless to make her see that her son held me in distress. But I needed her to stay so he couldn't have his way with me. So, I tried to keep her attention.

"My, what a lovely home you have. What are some of these?" Pointing to the strange arrangements that hung on the high walls and ceilings.

The scene shifts. My captor, and his parents are sitting in this room, the living room, telling me 'stories', but reminiscing with each other more than they were sharing family history. The father said "Hasn't it been a treat to watch humanity's evolution over the years?" Corpses with slightly different bone structure and decayed clothing from various points in human history going back milliennia drop down from behind where he lay on the couch. The father was throwing these corpses in an arch from behind him into the center of the living room as if going through the timeline of human evolution. He did so magically. I was confused where he was manifesting these corpses from. I figured he had assembled them from his walls, that the odd branch-like shapes decorating his walls were deceptively beautiful displays of these corpses.

My captor family was immortal? They inferred they have lived far longer than humans, granting them a unique vantage point for studying how humans evolved and didn't evolve. The full reality of who they were and why they were so odd hit me. I was slave to a dark breed of creatures living among humans with life spans that make their teenager equivalent the same age or older as our eldest old man.

____

What's more disturbing is that I was attracted to his desire for me. I can't shake my arousal. I'm beside myself, debating my sexual nature against religious notions of good and evil entrance into my consciousness. Who is using whom here? Even after this, I'm not inclined to give in to fear and try to rid my spirit of the exploitative things that use me. Perhaps it is my own delusion to believe I gain something as well from these exchanges.

What is there to fear but fear itself. I could worry, as I did immediately waking from the dream, if I am blindly allowing sexual fiends to feed off me, that I am indeed, as my dreams keep suggesting, under contract to be slave to these beings. Is it wrong for me to enjoy exploring such dark sexual fantasies? Is it wrong to enjoy being desired and exploited? Depends how far that exploitation goes, I suppose. I had quite a lot of choice in this arrangement, even though I also didn't. I go back and forth on this issue far too much.