Jun 13, 2015

Compulsive Scribing/Drawing

In August of last year (2014), I posted an image of symbols I was inspired to draw. Ever since downloading those symbols onto that paper I have been trying to conjure that old compulsion without success.

For weeks I had been restless with these lines and motions flowing through my body, wanting to be released somehow. It was distracting. While playing with my son, we decided to draw with chalk outside. The restlessness took any opportunity to be translated into the physical world. Being with my son gave me many instances to try and figure out what that this need was and how to let it out. Something wanted to be expressed.

I figured my fascination was with fluidity in nature, the elegance of dance, the way electrical current flows, the grace of a pictogram. I thought I was just trying to discover my artistic style. I tried to draw flowers and wings and flowing things without satisfaction. The only thing that felt freeing and satisfying to the inclination was to draw in a close space with certain swipes that filled a box shape. That wasn't of course what I was thinking at that time, that's just what ended up coming out. I loved the abstract symmetry of the unrecognizable symbols I was creating. In the chalk, they just looked like meaningless lines and curves. It wasn't until I sat down and committed to letting it flow out that I saw the pattern that suggested it might be some kind of writing. It's beautiful to my eye. I enjoyed doing it and let myself play by using a different color in-between each exercise in space. The product of the above page was the result of only about 30 minutes (tops) of leisurely drawing. Afterward, when I had no more room and no more symbols to try, I was incredibly relieved, sleepy and happy at the same time, like I had completed a masterpiece of inspiration (though I realize its on a crumbled piece of printing paper, lol!). However, I was just happy the restlessness was gone. I was very modest about it, assuming it was just a jumble of thought and feeling translated into 1 and 2 dimensions.

In the months later, my feeling began to change. I began to acknowledge that it was a rather significant thing that happened to me. I began to try and resurrect that inspiration, to feel divinely touched, I suppose. I wanted to feel connected to that source again.

Almost a year later, I still can't revive that particular restlessness.

Agents of SHIELD featured a similar experience where people who have been through the TAHITI project (injected with the alien blood formula) were driven to the point of insanity to carve grid lines and circles during episodic possessions.

 Director Coulsen in Agents of SHIELD during one of his compulsive carving episodes.

Now I don't know where Joss Whedon and the other creators get their inspiration for these shows, I'm just going to assume it came from their own imaginations and observations, perhaps with a little unrecognized outside influence, but certainly not led by someone 'in the know' trying to disseminate information to the public. If anything, they're just showing something those of us immersed in this culture already were aware of. They're just being our voice.

When I watched this storyline unfold and the awe of what their compulsion led them to (no spoilers, go watch it yourself on Netflix), I felt longing for that again. Obviously not in that sadistic way (with one of them carving into flesh), but in the female artist's way or Coulsen's way. Except it only happened that one time for me, at least for that bit of information.

Anyway, this is my update, that one year later I have not had the same compulsion I had in August last year, making it seem all the more strange and special to me.

Read the original post from Aug 2014 Channeled Language?
Read the follow-up post examining the symbols Ancient Chinese or Alien Symbols

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