Sep 6, 2013

The Other Shade of Reptilian: Part 2 of Sexual Hunger

(See post "Sexual Hunger" for more details leading up to this)
Spiritual Plot, Hunger Fever, and My Handler(s)

Last night I sat outside in the cold aftermath of a rainstorm while my son went to sleep, to decompress, and mourn somehow. Throughout the day people were pointing out to me my tardiness in dates:  not checking my phone for messages, not providing ample warning of schedule changes, not turning in application until close to the training dates, not replying to my client until two days before a session, not finishing the story I needed for our session until the day before. Perhaps some of those delays are understandable to the variety of things I manage (notably my son), but it degraded me nonetheless. I cowered meekly, embarrassed that I would be defined as irresponsible or flaky. I explained to each of them as best I could part of the problem that I provide myself flexibility where I can to not overstress about life or live by a clock, like I did for ten years of my life during school. I clarified a few other points for them, depending on my honesty to appeal to their sympathetic natures, but when I sat outside, I let the deep truth spill over me. I am caught up in a complex story which I cannot seem to explain to anyone else in a way that makes sense or catches their interest enough to listen and grant me the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't need their approval through expressed interest if it wasn't for the fact that my own critical mind doubts the reality of my elaborate and unprovable fantasy.

I gave myself permission to write it out as if I were to make an actual evaluation based on the self-evidences I have. Here they are, as bizarre as they sound:

Multiple handlers; mercenary, independent operative sided with cooperative for both light and dark sides, interested in rights of the oblivious young species' entering into galactic order. Under soul contract. Symbiotic relationship with being(s) characterized as psychic vampires in that they absorb emotional energy and electrical life force. Species unknown, capable of disguising their appearance or else using personas from my memory and life. Dressed in tight black, an element of being armored somehow, perhaps against a different kind of weapon besides gun or blunt force weapon that would require hard material and coverage over key areas of the body. Very tall (8 to 9 ft). When dressed in black they behave like bodyguards or escorts. One to three present at a time.

Reptilian agenda related to my purpose; goal to change or balance a prejudiced understanding of reptilian races as being evil and exploitative by generalizing them all to be such. Recognizing the scared, innocent, struggling to survive and avoid exploitation justified by association to the race at large. The voices of those not in power or with capability of influencing outsiders' perception of their species. So many have been victimized, have striven to atone for their genetic nature.

Handlers answer in part to robed, short cantalope colored bald beings who provide passive guidance.

Part of our efforts are to prove neither complete human independent governance nor rule by either side should be the path for humanity, but a compromise of both; continued guidance and open trainings with individual choice to join certain branches or participate in certain changes, self governance where preferred. Rather than an all or nothing New World Order of either side.

Faith is my lifelong test, or more accurately, my ability to compose and adhere to personal and cooperative truths, thereby imagining into reality that which will provide logical joy. Rather than revel in lonliness that I don't matter, and no one is looking out for me despite my shepherding of others, I can trust I am a potentially important asset with a role to play, and contact with details (which I long for) will come as I move toward awareness and readiness.

My Reptilian Shadow

A fever was accumulating in my body. I absolutely ached for touch, for someone to express desire and deep understanding for me. My faculties were distracted by this depressed and incessant scream throughout my day for connection. Electric excitement, specifically, and again embarrassingly (as well as confusingly) I yearned for what might be a reptilian handler, though he communicates to me as spirit not with body or form or identifying features other than the variety of tall males with black or blonde hair (even a short grey head of hair though he looked young and could change the color of his eyes). I believe its been setup that any identifying form or features have been deliberately withheld because he has transcended in spirit and retains a vast number of forms. Let me be clear right away I don't think he is God, he also didn't connect with that title. When I was wanting him yesterday I indulged exploring the texture of his scales (no I don't have a fetish for lizard skin, I didn't really have any connection to reptiles until all this started with cryptic dreams), and just reveling in finally feeling and knowing he was real, while absorbing every detail I could about the species. Unable to kiss given the shape of his snout, he licks with a long tongue, and conveys ideas and thoughts directly to me as broadcasts aimed at my awareness. He overshadows me and equally curious about, though more familiar with, my human female body in how it can be engaged with to elicit pleasurable reaction from the consciousness contained within. I played with my son's legos with him, using a little female lego person and a male lego person that can mutate between a dragon lego figurine and a human male. I needed a physical way of representing my thoughts and resorted to play, as is a good old method for understanding developing ideas. The male figure was objective and silent, guiding and compassionate, which means that he will help the human female across a ledge, but will let her defend herself in battle against his protective instincts for her to build her own confidence.

But again, he doesn't have a specific form. So why was I craving connection with a Reptilian being? The previous dream would suggest either I have Reptilian DNA and am craving 'food', electrical life energy, or that I am a regular meal conditioned or programmed to summon when I am ripe with energy to provide. Although the latter was what seemed most likely the other day, the former now makes more sense. Everywhere I look Reptilian encounters are ritualistic, deviant, exploitative or evil. I don't feel this with my Shadow, but it does keep me on the lookout for clues that I am being manipulated or controlled, making the irrational desires all the more unnerving.

I came back in and pleaded, holding back tears, that my partner lay in bed with me and hold me. Concerned, he agreed and played with my hair after we situated our naked bodies side by side. With every few comforting strokes I felt waves of relief reduce my fever. This is not an exaggeration. If I was hooked to electrodes and skin receptors I know they would read progressive steps of decreasing blood temperature and pressure. I felt the peak of the waves spread through my body from the point of contact, so that where the wave had been was more relaxed compared to where it was traveling to. I'm highly sensitive to my body's condition, in terms of awareness.

My partner fell asleep in minutes, as usual. A fact that has frustrated me because our only alone time is at night and, like most women, I need emotional connection as much if not more than sexual satisfaction. I jokingly refer to myself as a succubus, but I wonder how confidently that is based in reality. 

Of course it could all be an elaborate analogy to try and explain hormonal changes in a more interesting way.

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