Sep 3, 2013

Sexual Hunger

 Summary: Human female cycle, hormonally induced sex drive having purpose beyond reproduction; Cattle skinning operation; Price for an old debt; blood and alien connections.

Each month for at least one day and night I become sexually hyper with such hormonally driven desire, it's not only distracting, its practically consuming. All my effort is spent keeping it in check. Otherwise, the only cure seems to be screwing anyone and everyone. Either this is the side of the female reproductive cycle that just doesn't get discussed in sex ed, or am I a nymphomaniac. I jokingly refer to it as being "in heat", of the "use it or lose it syndrome" when the conditions of the uterus are right to receive fertilization or else the egg will be expunged (when woman is most fertile; see article on human female estrus new findings). If you were to pack the number of times a typical male supposedly thinks about sex on a daily basis (every 6 minutes, though not substantiated, more as social humor) throughout the month (60/6 =10 times an hour x 16 hours awake =160 x 30 days =4800 times per month) into a 24 hour period, that's the concentration of sexual motivation I feel on this particularly day my cycle. It is insatiable, full-body experience that keeps me awake at night.

Although I do bother my partner for personal time to help me relax these urges when I can, he is not always capable, given his early work shift and long hours. Last night, this regular 'heat stroke' was too much to handle. Usually my imaginings, coupled with lots of self role-play and toys for penetration suffice, but something as seemingly insignificant as not having a thick enough blanket to realistically convey a male body can elicit such a frustration that I am embarrassed to describe, a whimpering, anxious, pulsating frustration like that of a chemically-conditioned sex slave. It's really that bad.

I, again, found myself (though I forget I have done this before), screaming in my head to the dream world for answers:  why do humans get these terrible, by-the-clock urges?; why do I get it this bad? Why program us this way?

The same answer is given whenever I have asked about my excessive stimulation at this point in the reproductive cycle. And I always forget until I get this same answer, that I have asked this before.

Night of Sept 2/3rd 2013

My estranged romantic female love welcomed the opportunity for us to begin speaking to one another again (a question I asked as well, if she would really receive contact from me after our years of silence). I think we should grab items for a quick lunch before we go off to talk. We dodge around in a grocery store to decide what foods we each want to eat. I am excited as I wander around that I will get to talk with her finally after wondering for so long if she were better off without me trying to re-enter her life. We wander around on our own. I run into Kate, a friend currently in my life whom I had romantic interest in when we first met. She was walking through the store with her boyfriend in a relaxed way, just enjoying talking to one another, arm in arm, as they shopped for lunch. I was scrambling and found my way into the back loading/storing area of the store, but instead I walked onto a grotesque scene and my persona changed.

I was now an employee trapped in a role I agreed to carry out as payment for a debt [what debt am I, or humanity, owing?!] to the overseer of the operation. In a low-fenced, dark area (felt outside), with a concrete ground and a walkway of diamond pattern metal grates like you might see on a science fiction spacecraft or station (like in Return of the Jedi during the Skywalker fight with Vader). There were beams extending at diagonals from the rails to overhead. 
Stepping off the metal walkway is what feels like a parking lot, cleared away for manufacturing. In a sequence of steps, cows are raised by the four feet by a machine in the darkness above the scene, and dunked into a puddle of thick, rippling silver  liquid that is flat against the surface of the concrete (or perhaps gray being the color of the concrete, and the reflection made it look silver), but extends deep into the solid surface like a physics defying pool. This super-cools (like liquid nitrogen), killing the cows in a few seconds. I could feel the painful stinging as its body turned to ice, and its living energy forcibly pushed out. The freezing method wasn't fast enough by my standard. They suffered greatly in those few moments.

The body is then mechanically moved through the air down the process to phase two:  skinning. My attention hones in on the skinning because it is vivid and as I was still trying to understand what was happening, I was afraid they were being skinned alive. Then the pool was shown to me. The machines were careless. A line of skinned carcasses, feet facing up, moved on a conveyer belt to make room for the next one. I thought to myself, this shouldn't be so gruesome to me, we slaughter cows just as callously for their meat and hides. I am no stranger to eating a burger, though I avoid mass-harvested meat when I can. But it unnerved me so much I let myself vomit behind me on the metal walkway. Jim was there (my life partner/fiance) comforting me when I vomited. He vouched for me to the overseer of the operation, explaining why I needed a moment.

But I would fulfill my bargain. The final task of my job was to complete one cycle myself of this factory's process. I would have to manually operate all the steps, or rather I was contributing to the continuation of the process by refueling the pool with the same liquid I had collected in a small vial. I emptied my vial and knew I was part of the monster.


There are two ways I am interpreting this dream. Both have a basis in reality for me, so I do not want to discount either one 1) Two dreams have led me to consider if they are response to personal inquiry on the bizarre cattle mutilations (global reports compiled on Here is what they seem to be telling me: the mutilations are done by a species that feeds on blood, milk, and certain parts, either using hide or consuming it (not the meat), and this is somehow an alternative or sacrifice instead of humans. I return again to the ideas I have explored previously, what if ancient sacrifices were not superstitious offerings to invisible gods, but real sacrificial offerings to an alien species that requires blood and parts for nutrients (see my posts: My personal symbiosis with imaginary/invisible vampiric being here, 'Blood Survival' theories here, and search query of this site keyword 'blood' here). What if our cultural obsession with vampires and blood-sucking beings is rooted in a real danger? What if there is a programming in our makeup that attracts us to their presence, besides a fascination with or attempt to personify death?

There is more to it than just feeding. My dreams suggest to me there is a sexual hunger attached to their feeding (see Blood Survival post).

2) I am truly so bothered by the callous, mass-harvesting of animals that my spirit self deemed it a worthy point to emphasize to this, my physical world-based self. Perhaps also that it is a significant problem that warrants greater attention than it receives. Continuing down this perspective of dream content being representative of complex mental states, my sexual frustration, described at the top of this post, is equivalent in nature of need as hunger. To oversimplify, such incredible sexual hunger should be sated. Otherwise I deny my body a necessary 'nutrient' of chemical release. I need that sensuality of touch. I feel the effects of contact immediately in my stress level, like a tingling wave that spreads. We are so touch-deprived. I know I am not the only one by far. I crave it ravenously, uncontrollably, hence why it concerns me so. The impulses are dangerous and overwhelming sometimes. I could be weaponized.

(Read part 2: "The Other Shade of Reptilian" next.)

Also see Dream about the role cattle had in helping with human population control and the impossible selection process of who lives and dies.

Another occurrence of a cow with alien connection in this Dream, though it conveys a different message as to the intentions of the race in this dream.

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