Jun 13, 2016

The Empathic Dream Reflection

I've been writing a family heirloom book on the apparently genetic dreaming abilities of my family to pass on to my son, niece, and younger sisters. I don't know how true it will hold for other dreamers, but it seems to be spot on for my sisters. It's a sort of dreamscape guide and introduction to various elements of that land.

Ever since my younger sister opened up to me about her dreams, she and I have been collaborating on our abilities. She shares the same ability to visit or channel the spiritual space of another person and in essence reflect back to them their higher or deeper process. As an experiment, we put forth the cooperative intention to connect to one another in thought and dream that night. I've been extremely angry and depressed fighting for surgery to help treat my degenerative spinal condition and trying to function through months of pain. I haven't had much to give, needing all my energy and thought for myself. I do what I have to, what is obligated to care for my family, but inside I am screaming in fits of sobs. I prelude my interactions with family and friends by disclaiming how poor company I am lately. I can't focus on what others expect of me, yet I somehow still end up doing for others. I'm struggling to find hope in each day, and wonder where the light in my life has gone. I'm silently dying and its affecting my moods and cognitive processes.

Yesterday, my sister reported that she did indeed have a surprising dream the night of our experiment. I told her I only felt as though she had called me, like I saw her face in a half dream, but couldn't recall any particular scenes. We had established contact though. I was the subject. When Jordon and I would do contact channelings, he would dream that I called him or he had given me his number, or I saw him interrupt a dream briefly. The scenes she saw so perfectly demonstrated my spiritual place lately. She said it was confusing, but so explicit and vivid that she knew this wasn't hers.

My youngest sister is an incredible empath, more so, perhaps than me in some ways. She has compassion and hope and positivity, almost to a fault. She tries to fix everything with bandaids, but I can't compare to her desire to uplift others.

The dream began in my house (not my physical house, it reflected my spiritual place), but that it surprised her how gloomy it was. She said it was dark, the window overlooked an alley. There were fireflies swimming around that we were trying to catch. In my home was a man in black clad kevlar armor, whom she wondered to be the Darian figure (imaginary friend I grew up with). On the couch we arranged puzzle pieces of light in the air by swiping with our fingers like you would on a touch screen. Another figure, bulky, balded, brown skin was there arguing with someone outside her door. She yelled at him to close the door in Japanese, tired and annoyed by the noise. She just wanted to rest. I woke her up (in the dream) later to say she had to go to school. The large man escorted her out of the house on a longer than she had prepared for journey through the woods and grasslands to a beautiful setting with a waterfall into a pool. The mountains and forest shown on the horizon. A rainbow hooped around the pool in front of the waterfall, and on a log sat a Native Chief with a beautiful long feathered hat. She said she was awed by the regality of its length and felt "This must be the chief of all chiefs." She also said this place didn't belong to her mind. She said she'd never seen it before or would have imagined it. As she spoke I cried. The chief was playing a hollow reed flute and appeared to be a centaur, with a horse body.

The large man came onto the scene. His presence scared away the centaur Native Chief. She argued with the man trying to figure out if he was good or evil. When she agreed he was on "our side," (referring to she and I), they carried on past the waterfall into a barren land of gravel where they met the armored man and his army of black horses. She said his shoulder pads/protection were feathers, and that stuck out to her. She and him argued about siding with the large man. The armored man cut off his head. Laura picked him up and yelled at the armored man for doing that. The head continued to talk, guiding Laura and reassuring her. She felt she had an army, some with blonde hair, behind her, not nearly as great, but devoted to fighting with her in battle if she chose.

I sobbed. There is indeed a war going on within me and whose side is whose is definitely a problem I debate with them on. I proceeded to give her context. Did the armored have black hair? Yes, she replied. Yes, that's my guide and companion. I don't know how to label him. There's an element of partnership, there's an element of servitude, he's of a higher divinity, transcendent. I've only seen him a few times. Once when my grid marks appeared, once when I my service was being transferred to his brother, a twin with shorter hair and a kinder attitude.

She paused me, as if my mentioned a twin relationship struck something, but she couldn't verify what.

The other man she described to the T is a sort of bodyguard figure. He's pushy sometimes, and I have often fought with myself over whose side he's on, because in one case he was pursuing me and a younger female, not to hurt me, but to return us to some duty we were escaping. That both live with me and arent' sure about one another makes a lot of sense to me.

The waterfall scene she saw is my happy spot, a place I visualize as being ideally peaceful and soothing, and I so strongly yearn to connect more easily with my a native, natural, and spiritual sides, because that is where I'm happiest, but some sense of duty, some higher calling keeps me in that gloomy home. It hurts to know how far away that place is from my home. In the hours after she told me, I kept asking myself how I can be closer to that. I distance myself from the things that make me happy and free. I said, you accurately felt what I feel. I just want to rest and tune out the noise. I want them to shut the door and stop arguing about whats right for me, and why this pattern of chronic pain keeps happening to me.

Every aspect of her dream touched so perfectly on something about me and my emotional, physical, and spiritual trials. I have wanted someone to provide for me the same sort of mirror I have done for others, and I found it through her.

The feathered shoulder pads are an incredible insight. I have tried to conceptualize ever since seeing him years ago what his shoulder pads were shaped or made of because what I wanted to assume it was from my waking context was never right.

Jenn: "He is a being of neutrality. It's very easy to misunderstand his intention because he is a being for cooperation of what we would call good and evil or dark and light. He belongs to an order of balance."

Laura: "Yes! That makes sense. His shirt was white and his pants were black."

Jenn: "Oh!" I exclaimed in disbelief that she had channeled such perfect details about him. It represents the idea of wholeness that comes with merging duality for a higher purpose.

Sometimes I question how the armored one is there for me. I resent the trials I hold and wonder which of them (armored vs bodyguard) is out for my best interest and which is trying to hold me to my soul obligations. Both, for different things I suppose.

I don't want to suffer like this anymore. I don't have to. It's there, the pain, the injury, the suffering, I can only do so much to change that. What I can do is still pursue those things that bring me calm and peace and connect me to my roots and spirituality. Dancing to a panpipe in the grass beside a tree and stream, letting the movement flow with me. I can visualize that and raise my consciousness in that way, even if I can't physically do it. I've given the doubt and fear enough to feed on. I am both.

"In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (also yin-yang or yin yang, yīnyáng "dark—bright") describes how opposite or contrary forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another." (Source: Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang )

I hugged my sister and expressed my gratitude for giving me this gift of clear imagery to understand how I am reflected in my spirituality at the moment. It provides a stepping stone to redirect myself.

She said she assumed, based on my teachings and analyses of her dream experiences that my space would have been brighter. The only light was in the fireflies I try to catch, and the puzzle pieces I try to fit together. I feel abandoned by the light. I feel humility and hopelessness. How do I invite more light into my home. How can I spend more time, or move closer to that natural space where I am connected to the universe and my ancestors and archetypes and humble peace. What do I really want? I want to correct my spinal malalignment, and reinforce it against further deterioration and injury and I want it to happen before my life begins. Hmm. Why is that what I want? I try to calm down and see it another way, that my guides are getting me to slow down, to build up more gradually to everything I want to do:  writing career, soccer mom, to be independent again, runner, backpacking, swimmer, lover, playful mother, expressive. But I also need to know my limits, need to set reasonable goals, learn to be confident things will get there slow and steady as much as fast and suddenly, but without the injury that comes with the latter. I need to learn to take things in chunks and enjoy the steady forward motion. I always want to go faster because I can't see the scenery passing me by steadily enough. Change in life seems either too slow or too sudden. But really its about waxes and wanes. Joy is in the alternations. Being able to work, then to punch out and rest and play. Being able to be a mom, then being able to go to work. Going on a reasonable trip with a counterpoint schedule. There is a time to weep and a time to laugh and what I truly want is less extremes. I want good days and bad days, not good decades and bad decades. I don't want to have to work so hard to enjoy. I want a mid-line.

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